All The Fives by Steve Miles writing as Clarence Growler - Short, Thriller, Drama, Crime - An indebted cabby stumbles on an opportunity to reverse his fortunes when he finds a duffel full of money.  But first, what to do with the dead passenger it belongs to? 8 pages. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice logline.

Tone instantly set. This is a more experienced writer. The action feels more real, the setting more concrete than others I've read.

Page 3...nice plot point. Good reveal.

Hmmmm. This was great...until the point it wasn't. I was really involved in it. Loved when Ned put the handcuffs on him...but then the story kind of fizzled out for me.

I seem to be saying the same thing on almost all these scripts, but it's because it lacks dramatic irony. A regular guy gets what may be a slice of luck, but then it isn't. There's no real lesson, theme or real point.

If it was a story about a guy who never gets a break, it might be more rounded.

You've got a lovely set up for a nice crime caper involving a gang and the Police, but then I suppose the pages and time just ran out. The ending made it forgettable.

Unfortunate because it was written with aplomb.

Good effort here for the most part. Again - I'm not sure about the trapped part of the contest parameters.

The phone call dialogue to the police was way to OTN/Expositional - made it seemed unnnatural.

Really liked the twist.

Overall a solid effort

Now that's good work, best so far for me.

A lot of these will be fairly standard, revolving around a person getting stuck in a taxi with a nut job. This had a twist, and with the roll reversal in the victim it really worked for me.

Well done

Cam

While nobdy is really trapped or stuck, overall it was a good effort. The twist about the reveal that Ned was an undercover cop does not work however. Aside from the news reports
("During a police shootout,robbers opened fire on one of their own") which suggests the cop's cover was blown or he was part of the bust and IDd himself as a cop at that time- and he was shot,-

Well, let's put it this way. Why have the new report at all?  Mitch is in the genral area of where this incident happened, yet, aside from the news, he's clueless about it. Second, why didn't Ned just simply say he was shot and that he was a cop?

Writer,

Good writing here. Almost too good as you hit us with little details that serve only to make your action blocks run a bit More than they should. There were spots here where I wasn't sure if the cab was in motion or not so I just assumed.  I like the story but I don't get a sense if Mitch is having any sort of moral issue with what he's doing. What I mean is, I feel Mitch needs to have some sort of redeeming quality to make us root for him just a little, then take it away so we feel that, okay, we like Mitch a little, but I guess he got what he deserved. A bit more time on this and I think that can be accomplished. Good work though!

Steve

Lots of twists me turns.

Good use of the car although not trapped too much

Quite liked the end with the colour

Consider

Nice little story.

A consider.

No one seems to be trapped in this and not sure why he's getting a cab at all if his cover has been blown (robbers opened fire on one of their own)... wouldn't he just wait for his cop mates?

Anyway, this is well written in the main and moves along well... until the end when it seemed to peter out.

Decent effort though

The radio and cell phone O.S should be V.O, off screen implies they are in the scene but not on the screen, there is a distance difference from V.0.

Lots of unfilmables and asides, way too many in my opinion, this is an example, “silently walking the line between outrage and duty” and “a fare’s a fare”.

It’s over written in parts, mainly due to the unfilmables.

As far as the story goes, it was okay, nothing spectacular. I didn’t see the twist coming.

Brisk writing. You know how to tell a story without a lot of fooling around. I agree with previous comment about the phone call from cops; maybe trim it some. Also, why didn't Ned ID himself early on? Maybe too out of it, I guess. Great ending.

Thumbs up.

Henry

Bit anticlamactic, kinda faded off for me in the end. Solid start and solid writing, and I loved the nod to Weekend At Bernie's, even though he wasn't - the visual gave me a chuckle.  Pretty good, just something missing for me... I should correct that to mean I predicted the pop at the end.

My final read and I really enjoyed this. Older and no wiser than his photo! Good stuff. I don't know if Ned needed to be an undercover cop - the Phelps V.O. is pretty bad - he could just be a lone robber who got away with (what he thinks is) the loot. Would they use a dye pack on dummy bundles, I thought that was to render the cash useless?

No complaints on the writing, this is a strong CONSIDER and if it's worked on could become RECOMMEND

Well...we've got one of those fine lines here.  Obviously a talented writer, but a writer that's trying too hard to be cool, which makes for both overwriting and irritating writing (at times).  You can say what you need to in so many less lines and pages.

As I said...a fine line and as this goes on, that line is crossed for me, and I'm left not really caring.  Maybe it's the tone the writer is throwing here - which takes talent - but also can work against the goal.

At the end of the day, I'm left scratching my head, as this is a lost opportunity, IMO.  As is, it feels rather lifeless - all style, but not a style that works here.

Grade B-

Some notes

This is a nice turnaround.  Greed leads to more problems than Mitch can handle.  Two items.  I don't see why ned would run with the money.  No need, and it's not real money.  Leave it and head for the hospital.  Two, I find no reason for Ned not to identify himself as a cop.  He can certainly expect better treatment if he tells the hack he's the police.  Unless you can rig Mitch for a getaway car, I don't buy Ned's behavior.

Best
Richard