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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  All The Fives - OWC
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  Author    All The Fives - OWC  (currently 2690 views)
grademan
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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At first I thought Ned might be a dirty cop but that didn't make sense once I realized he would know the bag was a set up. So much for my theory. I didn't like the radio exposition but I did the phone call. The pop at the end was pretty good. The script was not a fast read as I scoured each page for clues. I thought the handcuffs slapped on Mitch qualified as trapped. Solid but flawed entry.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty solid B+ from me.

Consider.


FADE IN:
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Abe from LA
Posted: August 26th, 2016, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Great writing here, interesting story, but logic flies out the window once Ned reveals himself.  I do like the undercover cop angle, but maybe he has a throat wound and can't speak.  the story would work better for me if Ned shuts up
His reveal as an undercover cop at the end would be good enough, so I think.

Ned and Mitch's speech pattern is similar.
Not sure if Ned is supposed to be a dirty cop, but of course, he would know about the dye-pack. But if he's dirty, he wouldn't be feeding back accurate info. to his PD.

As for Mitch, I like his character but take it further. I see him as a down-and-out type, a guy always making low-stakes bets. Maybe we see him scratching Lottery tickets in the beginning.
Focus the story on this cabbie who never gets a break in life. Until the day he picks up a rider who has a ton of stolen loot.
Make it a moral story, so Mitch is conflicted with doing the right thing, or seizing an opportunity. He might even confer with a confidant, somebody who tells him that he's entitled to the money. And then he gets in way over his head.

This story could be expanded.  It has potential to be a feature.  The turning point could be that he lets an undercover cop die.  But before he gets a serious case of regrets, more dirty cops come looking for him.
Whatever you do, flesh out Mitch's character. I like him, but want to see his inner conflict. A good man tempted by $$.  Be aware that we would root for him more if it's not stolen bank loot, but cartel or mob money.

Again, excellent story-telling skills on display.  This story was rushed for the OWC, but I like your style. Good luck.
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stevemiles
Posted: August 29th, 2016, 5:46am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all for the reads and comments.  Bit of a rush job to get this down hence a sloppy approach to the logic and an OTN phone call for a reveal didnít help.  The first idea was to keep Ned as one of the bank robbers, but it made (albeit tenuous) sense for him to be an undercover cop to add a twist and most importantly bring in the handcuffs to trap Mitch.  

Encouraged by some comments to take this further - kind of torn right now between broadening this into the start of something longer or reworking it as a short..?  Maybe both...  Thanks again for taking the time.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 29th, 2016, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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This was good.  When you get a rewrite down, I'd like to read it.  You did this good with a rush job, the rewrite should be really good with no "restrictions" on page count, etc.  It was in my top six.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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stevemiles
Posted: August 30th, 2016, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Jeremiah/Jeff - I'll let you know when I figure it out.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Fausto
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Steve, I like the use of street language...credible and smooth. However, the story, as the other commentators have said, it's not 100% convincing. Overall, a good script. Too cool?
My best,
Fausto
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stevemiles
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Fausto - if I can return the favour point me towards a script.

This is a revised draft of an OWC from last year.  The original had some logic issues as readers pointed out.  I stripped back areas of exposition and gave the characters more motive to (hopefully) smooth out some of those issues.  Whether or not it's a stronger script for it I don't know...  Figured I'd repost to see what people make of it.  

Happy to return reads, just let me know where or PM me.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Fausto
Posted: June 8th, 2017, 6:37am Report to Moderator
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Steve, I'll read the script again. As I said, I like the "street talk"...this should stay. The ending is a little rough but it can be made more ...should I say logic? Maybe, a few more pages will do the trick. The premise is excellent! A good French "film noire"
My best,
Fausto
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