Offensive Behavior by P.H. Cook (Angry Bear) - Short, Comedy - Two people discuss sex while waiting in a car. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice job, Pia. Good little piece for actors to sink their teeth into. Cool twist, and a great reaction by the cops at the end. Who says you can't write light-hearted comedy?!

The title is the general feeling of SS at the moment, anyway, moving right along.

This was a fun little read.

Well written, it just flies by. Don't really have anything else for you.

Good job

Hey guys, thanks for taking a look!

There's not too much to this one. I wrote it yesterday at work between phone calls. It has absolutely nothing to do with Janet's script thread, but it did get me thinking how one thing is considered ok and another one isn't. Then I remembered an old HBO documentary loooong time ago about prostitutes and sting operations cops would conduct and I remember feeling sad for these people. To me, it's interesting how nowadays pretty much everything is considered okay and a personal choice when it comes to sex. Whatever you do, is your choice. However, if there's ever an exchange of money, even as small as $10 for sex between two consenting adults, it suddenly becomes a crime. The woman is a whore and the guy is a pervert. That was my thinking here. It was just an observation. I'm in no way for prostitution, nor do I want to discuss that old trade.

Cheers!  8)


PS: The ending feels flat to me. If anyone has any suggestions how to punch it up a bit, I would definitely consider it.

Hey Pia,

Love the self-referential "Two Psychos" bit of dialogue. Overall, I liked this. Though I think you can amp up the dirty talk a little bit to make the payoff a little funnier. The orgy talk and all of that is fine, but I think you REALLY could've gone balls-to-the-wall a little bit. Because what they were talking about wasn't that inappropriate. And the manner wasn't really that dirty. Not any dirtier than a blowjob.

IMO, either amp up the filth in their conversation or make whatever the guy in the Mazda asked for not filthy at all. Maybe, he wanted to watch her lick a lollipop or some weird, yet non-filthy fetish he had in mind. It would make the punchline funnier... IMO.

-- Michael

Pia! I liked this. Very breezy dialogue. Not sure you need to change it much at all.

But since you asked for an alternate ending... perhaps the guy they arrest recognizes Kelly. Turns out he was one of the people at her last orgy party. So he's begging her, saying we did way worse stuff that other night. Then she's like "That wasn't for money, you sick bastard. Can't believe I ever let you ____ my _____."

I'm sure you can find something for the blank spaces.

Hey, awesome suggestions there! Like both of them. The only reason I probably won't go with the guy knowing Kelly is because everyone of these sting operations I've seen, the guy always look embarrassed and seems like he's ashamed!

Michael, awesome suggestion! What if the guy wanted to suck on her toes? That might be gross to most and sexual to the guy, but not really a sexual act. Could someone get arrested for that? If so, I'm going with it!

Thanks guys!  ;D

If he gets off to it, and he's offering money, I suppose he can still get arrested. Especially if he's offering money to someone he believes is a prostitute.

It flowed nicely. I read through it with ease. It read like a comedy sketch. Maybe something you might see on SNL. However after reading your motivation for the piece, I can see it was intended to be much more serious. Maybe I am wrong on that.

For that reason, perhaps, I would have liked it to be a little longer, or less funny. I don't know. But I think you hit something important on the head. Pop culture versus traditional core values. Definitely something I think is worth exploring.

Looking forward to read more of your work.

I think a hand-job instead of blow-job would be a good pay-off... especially if you made the two undercover's conversation slightly filthier... perhaps mention of several holes being penetrated in the orgy conversation, how that could cause confusion... I dunno, that sounded pretty filthy just writing it here, lol. A hand-job is rather pedestrian in the sex world... probably the first thing a man experiences sexually in his life. I think that would be funny and ironic. Sucking toes is a bit kinky, not sure if that would be funny in the ironic kind of way that you're shooting for with the punchline. A hand-job is kind of innocent. Besides, what kind of man pays a prostitute for a hand-job?

Hey Pia -

I really like this one - particularly the satirical way you highlight how different standards apply in cases like this, depending on who you are.  And - along with Mike - I love the Easter Egg nod to Two Psychos!  )

Cheers,

--J (W)

Smart script...s real life story...it happens every day in New York City. Many times, the john is a policeman and he never pays...
Well written.
Fausto

Quoted from spesh2k I think a hand-job instead of blow-job would be a good pay-off

Reminds me so much of the level of discourse in The Seven Levels of Ambiguity.

Hey guys,

thanks for reading and commenting and thanks for the suggestions as far as the John's fetish/desire. I will rewrite this one, but it will have to wait a few days or maybe even weeks. I'm currently in the pre-production of two shorts together with Dena! Sadly, not The Starving Sea. It turned out to be too much for our abilities at this time. We do hope to have one of the films ready before Halloween though. Hectic, but fun times! I will try to do a couple of return reads during work this week though. Already read Steven's Fair's Fare. Just need to write down some comments.

Cheers everyone!  8)

Pretty sure it’s just five...

But anyways, nice reveal -- the whole ‘what’ they were doing sat there worked to keep me reading as did the dialogue (though I will say the language felt restrained for two cops just sitting around on a sting).  Took me a little while to appreciate the payoff.  I like the subtlety - but it is more a whimper than a bang.

All I can think is to end with Tina’s last line of dialogue - maybe even switch it to Dwayne or Kelly instead - and ramp up the profanity, which seemed oddly lacking given the adult subject matter.

Steve

Hey, thanks for the read!

As far as the language goes, I never in my regular life even encounter foul language, so to me, it doesn't seem natural to use coarse words. I'm not sure why, but pretty much the only place I encounter bad language is online. When I'm at work surrounded by guys only, no one ever says a bad word around me. Nor does anyone in my family. These people have also never read any of my scripts, lol! Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that we seem to use a different language sometimes in scripts than what we do in real life. I also wanted to keep this one kind of clean and only use references and such.

I do agree that it ends with a whimper rather than a bang. I'd like to end it with a bang, but without getting too explicit or up the rating.

Cheers for reading.  8)

This script was posted four days ago and it's already been picked up. A student, but still shows people are perusing SS for material. Looking forward to see what they do with it!

One great thing here was that the professor insisted on the writer's permission!  8)

Quoted from Grandma Bear One great thing here was that the professor insisted on the writer's permission!  8)

Boom! Awesome! Bird by bird changing the world.

Congrats, Pia! Write it low budget, write it good, throw in a little something that resonates with someone... See how fast they come.

Awesome on getting it picked up and great the student did it properly!

Nice little script... well done!

As an alternate ending... Perhaps have the two cops return to their car and pickup the conversation where it was left. Then Dwayne may half-jokingly say that he wouldn't mine adding to his current notebook an entry like "Kelly, 31, BJ -- five out of five". Which is totally legit since he's only offering a rating, not money.

Congrats, it was an enjoyable read.

Congrats Pia!

Congrats!

Thanks guys! I'm happy about it because it was just based on an observation and I wrote it last Friday while keeping an eye on the boards...

He is a student, so the script is still available, but I love all my student productions. They are so enthusiastic, it always makes me smile.  :)

Congrats, Pia!

Normally, I don't comment on produced scripts, but as the script is available...

I thought it was okay. I thought your explanation of it was much more interesting; the script itself was fun but a little too sparse for my taste, both narratively and in terms of how it lives up to your initial concept. It's a somewhat strange vibe, though, when you think about it (the idea of Clerks meets End of Watch crossed my mind), which I appreciated, and the twist was genuinely funny and out of left field.

On the ending, indeed I don't think it's all that strong. I recently watched Jim Jefferies' new Netflix special in which he suggested prostitution is illegal in the United States... unless you film it and sell/distribute it as porn. I thought this was an interesting point and could perhaps tie into some of the ideas you've explored here. I don't have any particular full-fledged idea I could throw your way, but this is something that occurred to me after reading the script/comments. Food for thought (might have to retire this phrase, considering how many times I've used it over the years... but that's what it is :)).

Congrats again!