Ugly Beautiful by Warren Duncan (Warren)  writing as Somebody - Short Revenge Horror - A tormented schoolgirl makes the transformation from ugly outcast to head-turning beauty using unorthodox methods. - pdf, format

based on The Ugly Ducking

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I liked how this started, really good setup, but the ending seemed a little too obvious and straight forward, I think it needs a twist to elevate it.

Well written though and easy to film.

Anthony

I like your log. I love the title here.

I’m not sure that the flash forward is working for me. It doesn’t tell us anything more than she is beautiful. And then at the end it leaves me confused. Was the flash forward at the beginning Page’s POV of herself?

I love a revenge story. I felt sorry for Page and was glad when she got revenge. I also liked the fact that she didn’t just luck out and become beautiful...she was still porky Page even at 30, so that surprised me a bit.

Good job.

Good source material that should/could transfer well to horror.

Good beginning with solid writing...finally!  Thank you!

Hmmm, then we go back 14 years?  OK, let's see where we're going here.

Page 5 - This is good so far.  Well written and truly evil minded, in the classic horror sense.

I don't personally like the jumping back and forth in time, however.  I think this cold be handled smoother.

OK, finished.  I'm a bit confused now about the beginning - who is the hot unnamed 30 year old babe?

This really takes a sudden turn and for me, it doesn't really work because of that.  The gore is effective and shocking...especially the very end, but it's also a bit odd that page wold flip out all of a sudden, for no reason, 14 years later and all these peeps still live right near each other.  Obviously, Page is going down hard, walking around in public wearing peep's skin.

Also, Page kills everyone at night, then the next scene is DAY and she's wearing the skins, etc.  Not sure that works or makes sense.

Finally, I'm thinking about the fable this is based on, and although it's quoted several times, it doesn't play out at all and the message of the much loved fable is completely lost here, or turned upside down - but I guess that's acceptable.

It's a good effort and the writing is well done for the most part.

Grades

Challenge parameters - B

Script/Story/Execution - B

This kind of worked well, the story makes sense and Page's motivation is clear. And the foreshadowing, combined with the resolution makes up for a nice twist as well. I think it would have been even better if we would get to see more of Page's transformation into a killer. It seems a bit artificial to directly switch from the crying girl in bed to the slaughtermachine so quickly.

Overall, I liked this one.

I liked it. It's a simple revenge story, very easy to follow. There's a nice flow to it too.

The three blonde characters were one dimensional for me. And all three were very much alike.

Page doesn't have any layers to her as well. She's ugly, she has a speech impediment and that's about it. And she doesn't stand up to the bullies. But I don't mind that.
The way it ends - works very well with the character like Page. I can see her going beserk. I wish the bullies were more interesting though.
Anyway nice job on the short!

Well written and very easy to read. Would be easy and cheap to film, too.

I agree with Anthony. This starts off very strong for me, but kind of lacks creativeness when it comes to the revenge part. Perhaps a twist of some sort?

Although I could see it coming, I loved the end when Page walks past the boys with the three girls body parts attached to her. Nice touch!

Recommend from me.

Very good.

Good writing, nice flow to it.

Also a good replay of the tale - the ugly, remaining ugly and taking revenge

Was the revenge scene the best way to play this, well perhaps not. But we got the point

The final image is powerful.

For filming purposes I wonder whether this could be kept at a younger age to simplify the process??

Well done

Great logline and an inspiring choice of source material.

A good, strong opening. The flashback to the girls was powerful, this was bullying at it's meanest. The three girls seemed exactly the same, I know this was probably intentional but I quickly became lost in who was who, especially when the slaughter began.

The revenge seemed quite simple and straightforward, a little too straightforward. The gap between the 14 year old 'normal' girl and the psychotic 30 year old also jarred me off a little. I think the page-length constraints of the story worked against you here and I'd suggest working on this outside the OWC and maybe flesh it out a little more, pun not intended.

The ending was a great reversal of perspective of the opening shot. I see from some of the comments some didn't get it but it seemed obvious to me.

A consider from me.

-Mark

Writer,

Yeah, a consider from me too. You have a great set up here, I felt for your protagonist, hated your antagonists and wanted nothing more than to see them come to a cruel fate. Well, they did indeed! But that's where this went wrong for me. Just my opinion of course, but I would've liked to see Page's character arc transform her into the beautiful swan. She's still ugly, after all these years. Now, if she grew up more beautiful than her friends, and she murdered them anyway, I would have gotten on board with that in a heartbeat.

Still, this was gruesomely creative (bloody tampon scene!) -- I literally said "oh no" when that happened. Fine work, writer. Story didn't drag, either. Clean writing that read very well.

Steve

Another solid one. I'll get out of the way one thing I didn't like which was that her stutter was almost always the same. As in, two letters then a dash and she gets the word out. I'm basing this on zero knowledge of speech impediments, but at least in "movie realities", the irregularity doesn't usually follow such a clear pattern. I'm talking about something as simple as adding another dash or elongating a word. Just picking two random lines as example ways to change it up:

"D-d-do I what?"

"they ju-jussst won't stop".

Then again, I think I'm the only one who was bothered by this so may just be a personal preference/pet peeve thing.

Otherwise, I liked the opening a lot. You built Page into a real character, made her sympathetic, introduced all the other characters, all while weaving in conflict and actual physical action. Very efficient opening.

Ending was solid too. The moment where she's advancing on the girl and snorting like a pig was genuinely creepy.

As others have mentioned, the flash forward doesn't quite work. But I'm having trouble thinking up a better way to do it. Maybe a montage of her through the years, drinking, doing drugs, slipping from severely depressed to full on insane. Perhaps it's just the constraints of a short film and there is no better way.

Last thing -- I liked Steven's idea of having her turn out beautiful. Maybe she doesn't realize it because in her warped mind she's still just an ugly ducking. Then when she sows on the face she's actually making herself unattractive again.

Regardless, a CONSIDER.

Oooph, that was fairly brutal.

Really well written. Everything flowed well, the characters were well constructed and I felt genuine sympathy for your central character. it worked as well with the source material, albeit a nasty little twist in the tale.

I'll give it a consider

Well written.  

It made me feel something.

The misdirection with the hot blonde in the beginning was nice.

But in the end it wasn't anything I haven't seen before.  

I got enough, but was hoping for more.

Jordan

I enjoyed this one.  I really like the writing style, it flows very well.  

I can't say much more than that.  

Well done!

Nolan

Another script I'm in the middle with. The story works, but it's simply too long -- the point of the story's there, and there's not a lot of surprises, which makes for a bland read. Yet, it's a revenge story, and one that works, but there's that depth missing within the characters. They're all archetypes, nothing unique about anything here, which is probably the script's biggest problem. The story feels tired, and feels as if it's trying to hide that with gruesome visuals and disgusting gags. Despite this, I do agree with Anthony -- a good piece to film, and interesting enough to keep the reader's attention.

Wow heck of a revenge story.

This is very well written and the story flows. Page waited quite a few years to get her revenge.
It's another slasher which I guess is Horror.

The only thing for me is that the 3 girls are so similar no real depth... you could at least make one slightly sympathic towards Page.

Other than that an enjoyable script.

First and foremost, I have to address the elephant in the room. I didn't dare attempt a horror reimagining of The Ugly Duckling because I would have been intimidated by the best version of the story ever put to celluloid -- Black Swan; you can't top Black Swan. So kudos to you for being so brave and daring.

I can't find any formatting or technical errors. Impressive!

You did pretty much what I was trying to do with mine -- a tormented girl gets her bloody revenge on her tormentors. Like me, you jumped around in time -- perhaps more coherently than I did, but I had a lot more story to tell within the page limit.

I love the contrast between the opening and closing shots. When you get to the end, you realize, "Wait a minute -- The beginning is what Page looks like in her mind!" The ending reminded me, favorably, of Pinocchio: A Taste for Flesh.

Your writing read like a pro. Outstanding job.

Recommend. A+

Oh lord... got a 'Silence O' the Lambs' thing going on here, brutal to say the least. Page: "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me... I'd fuck me so hard."

So we have a girl that is overweight, braces, stutters, has acne... why not just give her a club foot to boot, poor thing... I can see why she lost hold of reality at some point in time.

The trio of bitches, IMO, should be just one pretty chick, and two ugly ones that follow her around because they're idiots. That could give way to a reasoning of them bullying Page; simply because they see themselves in her, but need to project their own inequalities onto someone a little less fortunate than they are. Page could even drop a hint that at some point in time one of them was actually her friend but, has slowly fallen away to the popular crowd, and now wears her 'douche bag behavior' like a badge of honor to keep the facade alive. That would definitely hurt Page more than the bullying alone, that it's coming from someone she used to care for.

The ending was not easy to stomach, I have a vivid imagination and that really fucked me up. There are people that can write horror well, and those who cannot... I cannot, but you sure the hell can. Gruesome tale, lucid descriptions and, as disturbing as they come, well done.

I like the writing very much, the story holds the reader's attention, completely -- even if it does leave the source material in shreds.

SPOILERS

The ending is dramatic and creates a weird balance to the earlier bullying by the Mean Girls -- on film it might be overwhelming, replacing even the awful images of brutality seen earlier.  

The forced blood and body fluid exchanges are so brilliant the reader (and the audience) might stumble into the improbably sensible conclusion that... well now, with all of those antibodies forming, immunity could be... and the raggedy vision of Page, on the final page, is all the more horrifying because it was almost (but not quite) expected.

I liked this.

You could cut out Paige's covnersation with her parents entirely. It's awkward, and the exposition it provides (Paige constantly gets bullied) is unnecessary.

I liked the opening vs the closing scene, how Paige sees herself vs how horrifying she really looks. It's a little strange that Paige took 14 years to enact a pretty simple act of revenge. It wasn't exactly a master plan.

Good work. :)

Decent title – "using unorthodox methods" says nothing. You could leave it out then.

P5 good characters so far, but now I expect some plot and genre.

Dialogue could be massively reduced. The script needs to be moving forward quicker imo.

Okay, you come back to the opening scene, which to me appears as an alternate reality, a pipe dream of the protagonist eventually. It is a good revenge story and I liked her but things definitely played out too slow.

Two revenge stories in a row.

That was stomach churning. I truly felt for Page and hoped that she would get her revenge, but then you ask yourself, at what cost because she is clearly screwed up.

But that's what makes a great story.

The writting is on point, flows very well.

Congratulations

Nicely written, but the story feels mostly like a straight-on revenge tale.
The twist at the end had me a bit confused.
I would have to backtrack to see if the image you open with is the same image (that we see) in the closing scene.
Or are we looking at it in a different way.
I do like Page giving Zoe a delicious face-lift. Not sure that the ending made up for what seemed like a very familiar revenge take — ugly girls gets picked on by the pretty monsters.
Still worth a consider. Very easy to read, I just wanted a few more clever spins along the way.

Thanks to everyone that read and commented on this.

I have done a small rewrite based on some suggestions. It will be on the normal thread soon.

I’m really happy with this script and am glad it received generally favourable reviews.

Cheers.

This is a slightly reworked version taking into account some suggestions from the reviews.


Thanks for getting this up, Don.

Hey Warren, I didn't go back and check for differences, but I think I see them.

Couple questions/comments...

You start with Page being 26 and beautiful, but then in "present time", Page is 30 and fat and ugly, so something doesn't make sense.  And, IMO, you're jumping around different times too much.  I think the opening is a mistake and can be cut completely.

Is the dog scene new?  I like it, but you didn't intro the dog, unless it was earlier and I missed it - I did kind of skim this read.

Did you add some detail to the scene with Page cutting off one of the girl's face?  I like it.

Overall, still a good piece, and maybe better with the added scenes, but the intro needs attention and should probably be cut completely.

Hey Warren,
    Nice job.  You made me feel for Page.  That's a good thing.  

I am not sure how cutting off the skin of her victims translates to her being pretty.  Maybe if she walked around "seeing" herself as this swan, but, she looks like Leatherface (I mean, she is wearing someone else's skin), so, I've heard of nip/tuck, but, this is far beyond that.

Solid job.

Dan

Thanks for reading, Dan and Jeff.

Quoted Text You start with Page being 26 and beautiful, but then in "present time", Page is 30

In the rewrite I changed all the older version of the girl's ages to 26. The 30 was one I missed, that has now been corrected. I thought it would be easier and more cost effective to get one actor to play a 16 year old and a 26 year old.

Quoted Text I think the opening is a mistake and can be cut completely. but the intro needs attention and should probably be cut completely.

The into is basically the entire point of my short, It 100% has to stay, in Page's eyes she has finally become beautiful, but we find out at the end that is only her perspective of how she sees herself.

Quoted Text Is the dog scene new?  I like it, but you didn't intro the dog, unless it was earlier and I missed it - I did kind of skim this read.

The dog is new and yes it was introduced, you just missed it.

What I changed/added was the dog. The scene where she kills the dog is there so that we see that even a a young age she is starting to turn into the monster she will become.

Warren,

Nice job.  The opening doesn't work for me.  If Page looks flawless as she passes the men, how can she come back later as ugly?

The taunting scene works.  The scene with her mom is overlong, I think.  Find a way to shorten it, as it's mainly a way to intro Jedda.  

Do you need the Jedda scene?  I know it's to display Page's killing proclivity, but seems a particularly brutal way, and dog lovers will hate her.  Maybe pull wings off butterflies?

The ending is satisfying.  What goes around comes around.  The last scene works very well.  Sicko Page has claimed the beauty of her taunters.  Great

Best
Richard

Thanks for reading, Richard.

Quoted Text The opening doesn't work for me.  If Page looks flawless as she passes the men, how can she come back later as ugly?

Because it’s her perception of herself, she is finally beautiful in her own eyes. The story is nothing without the opening.

Quoted Text The scene with her mom is overlong, I think.  Find a way to shorten it, as it's mainly a way to intro Jedda.

It intros Jedda, it also shows that Madison used to be a close friend, and it is the link to the story it was adapted from.

Ugly Beautiful has been picked up to be produced by a Turkish film maker. It will be in Turkish with English subtitles.

Some scenes will have to go, and I quote the "vagina tasting" scene due to cultural insensitivities.

Take what you can get:)

Dude, you are an optioning monster - congrats

Well done - I liked this.

Cultural differences - curious things  :o

Thanks, hopefully it doesn't lose too much in translation.

I just read this and I liked it a lot! It was written very well, I didn't notice any spelling/formatting errors, so good job on that! I liked that you gave Page a little more depth to her look, instead of being just the typical "ugly girl", you made her heavy set and even gave her a stutter. I liked that. Also, loved the ending and how it contrasted to the beginning. It's like an "ah-ha!" moment, and I realized that Page was just imagining herself being beautiful so that was a pretty neat twist...

Now on to the 3 girls, as previously mentioned from others, I do agree that they were all pretty 1 dimensional and they all seemed the same. I, too, think you should have made one of the girls a little more sympathetic... Also, I wish you could somehow give more depth to what truly made her snap and kill those girls/her dog/etc. I mean, yeah she was bullied, but perhaps you could change her home life too? Maybe her Mom could actually be bullying her as well...? Would make her decent into madness more reasonable... Anyway good job! I really liked this.

And congrats on getting this filmed, btw! Just saw that after I posted my comments. :)

Hi Tyler,

Thanks for the read and generally positive feedback.

At this point I am done with Ugly Beautiful so I won't be changing it at all. As a whole I'm happy with the way it turned out.

And thanks again, hopefully they do a good job with the short film. Will be interesting to see it in a different language.

Hey congrats on this being picked up, man!