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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Ugly Beautiful - OWC
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  Author    Ugly Beautiful - OWC  (currently 3547 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ugly Beautiful by Warren Duncan (Warren)  writing as Somebody - Short Revenge Horror - A tormented schoolgirl makes the transformation from ugly outcast to head-turning beauty using unorthodox methods. - pdf, format

based on The Ugly Ducking

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 2nd, 2016, 2:52pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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I liked how this started, really good setup, but the ending seemed a little too obvious and straight forward, I think it needs a twist to elevate it.

Well written though and easy to film.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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pale yellow
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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I like your log. I love the title here.

Iím not sure that the flash forward is working for me. It doesnít tell us anything more than she is beautiful. And then at the end it leaves me confused. Was the flash forward at the beginning Pageís POV of herself?

I love a revenge story. I felt sorry for Page and was glad when she got revenge. I also liked the fact that she didnít just luck out and become beautiful...she was still porky Page even at 30, so that surprised me a bit.

Good job.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Good source material that should/could transfer well to horror.

Good beginning with solid writing...finally!  Thank you!

Hmmm, then we go back 14 years?  OK, let's see where we're going here.

Page 5 - This is good so far.  Well written and truly evil minded, in the classic horror sense.

I don't personally like the jumping back and forth in time, however.  I think this cold be handled smoother.

OK, finished.  I'm a bit confused now about the beginning - who is the hot unnamed 30 year old babe?

This really takes a sudden turn and for me, it doesn't really work because of that.  The gore is effective and shocking...especially the very end, but it's also a bit odd that page wold flip out all of a sudden, for no reason, 14 years later and all these peeps still live right near each other.  Obviously, Page is going down hard, walking around in public wearing peep's skin.

Also, Page kills everyone at night, then the next scene is DAY and she's wearing the skins, etc.  Not sure that works or makes sense.

Finally, I'm thinking about the fable this is based on, and although it's quoted several times, it doesn't play out at all and the message of the much loved fable is completely lost here, or turned upside down - but I guess that's acceptable.

It's a good effort and the writing is well done for the most part.

Grades

Challenge parameters - B

Script/Story/Execution - B


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Equinox
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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This kind of worked well, the story makes sense and Page's motivation is clear. And the foreshadowing, combined with the resolution makes up for a nice twist as well. I think it would have been even better if we would get to see more of Page's transformation into a killer. It seems a bit artificial to directly switch from the crying girl in bed to the slaughtermachine so quickly.

Overall, I liked this one.


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khamanna
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it. It's a simple revenge story, very easy to follow. There's a nice flow to it too.

The three blonde characters were one dimensional for me. And all three were very much alike.

Page doesn't have any layers to her as well. She's ugly, she has a speech impediment and that's about it. And she doesn't stand up to the bullies. But I don't mind that.
The way it ends - works very well with the character like Page. I can see her going beserk. I wish the bullies were more interesting though.
Anyway nice job on the short!
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BSaunders
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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Well written and very easy to read. Would be easy and cheap to film, too.

I agree with Anthony. This starts off very strong for me, but kind of lacks creativeness when it comes to the revenge part. Perhaps a twist of some sort?

Although I could see it coming, I loved the end when Page walks past the boys with the three girls body parts attached to her. Nice touch!

Recommend from me.


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 4:01am Report to Moderator
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Very good.

Good writing, nice flow to it.

Also a good replay of the tale - the ugly, remaining ugly and taking revenge

Was the revenge scene the best way to play this, well perhaps not. But we got the point

The final image is powerful.

For filming purposes I wonder whether this could be kept at a younger age to simplify the process??

Well done


My scripts †HERE

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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Great logline and an inspiring choice of source material.

A good, strong opening. The flashback to the girls was powerful, this was bullying at it's meanest. The three girls seemed exactly the same, I know this was probably intentional but I quickly became lost in who was who, especially when the slaughter began.

The revenge seemed quite simple and straightforward, a little too straightforward. The gap between the 14 year old 'normal' girl and the psychotic 30 year old also jarred me off a little. I think the page-length constraints of the story worked against you here and I'd suggest working on this outside the OWC and maybe flesh it out a little more, pun not intended.

The ending was a great reversal of perspective of the opening shot. I see from some of the comments some didn't get it but it seemed obvious to me.

A consider from me.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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StevenClark
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Yeah, a consider from me too. You have a great set up here, I felt for your protagonist, hated your antagonists and wanted nothing more than to see them come to a cruel fate. Well, they did indeed! But that's where this went wrong for me. Just my opinion of course, but I would've liked to see Page's character arc transform her into the beautiful swan. She's still ugly, after all these years. Now, if she grew up more beautiful than her friends, and she murdered them anyway, I would have gotten on board with that in a heartbeat.

Still, this was gruesomely creative (bloody tampon scene!) -- I literally said "oh no" when that happened. Fine work, writer. Story didn't drag, either. Clean writing that read very well.

Steve


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MarkItZero
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Another solid one. I'll get out of the way one thing I didn't like which was that her stutter was almost always the same. As in, two letters then a dash and she gets the word out. I'm basing this on zero knowledge of speech impediments, but at least in "movie realities", the irregularity doesn't usually follow such a clear pattern. I'm talking about something as simple as adding another dash or elongating a word. Just picking two random lines as example ways to change it up:

"D-d-do I what?"

"they ju-jussst won't stop".

Then again, I think I'm the only one who was bothered by this so may just be a personal preference/pet peeve thing.

Otherwise, I liked the opening a lot. You built Page into a real character, made her sympathetic, introduced all the other characters, all while weaving in conflict and actual physical action. Very efficient opening.

Ending was solid too. The moment where she's advancing on the girl and snorting like a pig was genuinely creepy.

As others have mentioned, the flash forward doesn't quite work. But I'm having trouble thinking up a better way to do it. Maybe a montage of her through the years, drinking, doing drugs, slipping from severely depressed to full on insane. Perhaps it's just the constraints of a short film and there is no better way.

Last thing -- I liked Steven's idea of having her turn out beautiful. Maybe she doesn't realize it because in her warped mind she's still just an ugly ducking. Then when she sows on the face she's actually making herself unattractive again.

Regardless, a CONSIDER.



That rug really tied the room together.
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Oooph, that was fairly brutal.

Really well written. Everything flowed well, the characters were well constructed and I felt genuine sympathy for your central character. it worked as well with the source material, albeit a nasty little twist in the tale.

I'll give it a consider


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Nomad
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Well written.  

It made me feel something.

The misdirection with the hot blonde in the beginning was nice.

But in the end it wasn't anything I haven't seen before.  

I got enough, but was hoping for more.

Jordan


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Nolan
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one.  I really like the writing style, it flows very well.  

I can't say much more than that.  

Well done!

Nolan
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nawazm11
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Another script I'm in the middle with. The story works, but it's simply too long -- the point of the story's there, and there's not a lot of surprises, which makes for a bland read. Yet, it's a revenge story, and one that works, but there's that depth missing within the characters. They're all archetypes, nothing unique about anything here, which is probably the script's biggest problem. The story feels tired, and feels as if it's trying to hide that with gruesome visuals and disgusting gags. Despite this, I do agree with Anthony -- a good piece to film, and interesting enough to keep the reader's attention.
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