People's Parties by Ben Clifford - Series, Comedy - Two self-involved, entitled millenials face an unexpected pregnancy, a suicide attempt and disastrous sexual escapades in an attempt to forge identities and be "real adults". 45 pages - pdf, format

People's Parties Episode 2 by Ben Clifford - Series, Comedy - Dan and Sammy travel interstate for Sammy's abortion, during which Dan abandons Sammy to chase after an ex. Meanwhile, Janet decides to pursue the second-last ethnicity in her sexual odyssey: sleep with a Chinese dude. 43 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks Don! I appreciated the great feedback on the feature version of this script, and I have distilled it into a pilot!

Appreciate any feedback :)

I really enjoyed this. It had many funny lines, the dialogue in general was very good. It definitely had a millennial feel to it in its tone. And near the end it got deep, and I enjoyed that.

The lines between Janet and Sammy on page 21 are hilarious. Janet is hilarious in general really, but that conversation in particular. The timing at which the jokes hit during the party is great.

A couple of minor notes:

On page 14, Pamela's line about Sony being a Japanese brand comes off to yelly, probably due to the exclamation point. I feel like it would make more sense for her to be calm saying this line.

I don't see the point of the scene in the ambulance (page 18 ) just to end it after that one question.

Thanks Hunter, I'm glad you liked it.

THanks for spotting the yelly line by Pamela. You're right.

I'm not too sure on the scene with the ambulance, it was just a little joke the paramedics were fussing over Sammy and not Ted.

Thanks for getting this up so quickly Don. Episode 2 is up :)

This was a good read.

There was quite a lot of funny moments and lines throughout, You seem to be pretty good writing comedy, something I find hard myself.

The characters are well written as well, both Sammy and Dan are well thought out and their personalities work very well within the story. From them alone I am interested in reading the next episode, which I see you now have up. I will be away for a bit so I will save a bunch screenplays for some reading material...still have quite a few from the 2016 awards consideration list to get through.

Seems like everything on TV here in Canada is crap apart from a handful of shows, this sort of has the same feel as Detectorists ( a UK tv show I recently got into) the premise isn't very big, but the characters make it so engaging.

Well done with this.

Ben:

This is really not my cup of tea (probably my age) - but it is really superbly written. lean, crisp and moved right along. Nice job, man. Professionally done, IMO.

Hey, Ben.
I read the pilot and started reading the second episode but decided to write about the pilot first, so I do not forget.

That was certainly a breeze to read. The characters are nicely done. All of them have very unique voices for me and Janet was a lot of fun.
A bit much about sex for me - I wish there was something else that would reveal stuff about the characters. --pictures, toys, stories of their past that don't have to do with sex perhaps - anything will do.

A few notes:
p6 and I might be severely wrong, but "unhandsome"?

p6 - I didn't like their conversation. It's matter of factly and doesn't show Ted as uncaring shallow individual - and it should. I know that's on your mind. So I'm thinking the dialog here could be sharper.
I read the first 12 of the feature and that part read different and better imo in that one.

p12 SAMMY "I think I'll sleep alone tonight" - that's too melow even for someone like Sammy. In the feature she's a bit angrier and again it works better for me. (no more comparing to the feature from now on, lol)

p14 - I don't get what Susan is saying.

p16 "Dan standS" - typo (just in case)

p17 Another Susan?

p25 All their game comments are of sexual nature. I don't know, they are not teenagers. If I were stereotyping - people in their twenties, some of them have masters...and it's all about sex.  I don't know if that's just me or something but all that sex talk quickly bored me.

p27 - Now I'm confused - is Sammy talking about Dan, or about another guy? She never gives the guy's name to Janet. She seems such perfect and close relationship with Dan that I can't believe she would talk about him as if he was some guy in high school.

And I don't understand what happened there with her and DAn - which is partly a good thing because it keeps me going. But on the other hand, I think you could give a bit more to keep the excitement at a float. A very tiny bit.


I didn't like her hitting it off wiht Heath - that part reads robotic. Maybe they start, then she rejects him, then she has to go for it because they are already in that part of the house and she doesn't want to break Heath's hopes.

Other than that - I have very high expectations for the second episode as the first one really knocked me out of the park. Very nice, Ben in my op.

Thanks Eldve and Khammana!

Dave: totally get it. Not for everyone. Glad you appreciated it.

Kham:

Thanks for such thorough feedback, really grateful.

Quoted Text p6 and I might be severely wrong, but "unhandsome"?

It's definitely not a word, and it's very awkward in use. Thanks for pointing it out.

Quoted Text All their game comments are of sexual nature. I don't know, they are not teenagers. If I were stereotyping - people in their twenties, some of them have masters...and it's all about sex.  I don't know if that's just me or something but all that sex talk quickly bored me.

Haha, maybe my friends are immature, but those drinking games always turn into sex questions. I just skipped the "respectable" questions. I think you're right though.

Thanks again, and I hope you like episode 2.

Hi Ben,

Not long after finishing the first episode. Not much feedback I can offer only I really liked it. The character's are all around my age range so I found them relatable. Really good dialogue with a few good one liners, really funny. Kind of reminded me of Lena Dunham's Girls, if you've ever seen that.

Going to get to the next episode as soon as possible. Well done on this.

Thanks Ambition! Glad you liked it. And yes, I'm hyper-aware of how similar Girls is :p

Hey Ben, back for the second episode.

Oh my God, the scene with the drag queen, very funny. Really starting to warm up to Dan, he's such a goof I love him. Can't wait to see how things play out with him and Joel. There's a lot going on with the character's, but not too much, and the way you balance the storylines is good. Janet reminds me so much of my best friend it's crazy. Her character is great. Can't wait to see how things unfold with Sammy in the next episode considering the news she's just got. Your dialogue is really good, too. Realistic and witty. Good job!

Here's some tiny, nitpick error's I noted whilst reading...

pg 2 - Sammy read it - should be "reads"
pg 6 - Janet's dialogue; So what did you say did again? Forgot the "you".
pg 9 - Dan's dialogue; do you gys - "guys"
pg 17 - Dan's dialogue; they don't us do that yet - not sure what this was meant to be.
pg 18 - There's a few others around, but it's most empty - "mostly"
pg 24 - DANT should be DAN
pg 29 - "Why'd you invite me out for lunch/"
Pg 31 - Nurse, "Ae you..." should be Are

My only question now is when will we be getting the next episode?!

Hey man, thanks for reading episode 2. I'm awful at catching typos/grammar stuff so I really appreciate it.

I'll probably write an episode 3, but after that I don't see much point in continuing a series on spec. Thanks again.

Hey, Ben again)
Storywise I've got one suggestion - you didn't go into much of Sammy and Dan and I sensed something happened between them. Sammy said she loves him in the first episode and I wanted to know what it was about. But now you went around it and my excitement is down - I wish you brought it up in the second episode, when it's still hot.

Very nice job. Especially how you handled Joel and Dan.

I don't think it's a comedy. No sir, not at all, it's a very heartfelt dramedy. Or drama for me.

I've got some notes, wrote everything that came into mind, so don't get angry with me please)

p2 Sammy readS it - typo
p2 - The start of Michael's conversation here is kind of abrupt for me.
"New Girl" - maybe add a question mark at the end.
Then he goes on "what they want" - I'm not crazy about the flow here
p5 "applying makeup" you have "appling"
p5 "come in through the door" sounds strange
p6 "What did you say YOU did again?"

p6 I'm a child protection officer. How about you" - I didn't like "You never told me what you do' as I'm not sure about the gramma "you never told me what you did" and I like to avoid instances like that. Also, I think it's just more natural to ask "how about you"
Or maybe it could "I'm with child protection servises. We interview.." (and whatever they do there" would add a bit of texture to the conversation.

I know that tax accounting is not a dignified profession sort of as they bring pain (or watever) to people)) but I still don't think her "ew" is not justified. maybe if he said "I'm a tax accountant. I count... you know, taxes" - for him to show how boring this tax-counting is.
"It's a paying job. We all need one" instead of "it's a job. We all need a job" - maybe. Something is off here.
p10 "Well, I took a mental health day" and a few lines after that - I'm not crazy about the flow here again.
Instead of "Well, I work in-house" maybe "it's an in-house job for" - to avoid another "I do this" and "I do that" and avoid another "well"

p17 typo "they don't us do that yet" probably should be "they don't let us do that yet"
p19 Janet, panting, sits down - sounds like she's panting because she's drunk. maybe "gasping"
p21 'transplant"? - maybe "transvestite" or something, not transplant
p25 A bit muc of talk and little conflict for me. Michael and Janet's scene is a bit long and all talk. And little conflict. I'd even suggest you cut some in the middle and go straight to "kids" talk. This one is a hoot, by the way.
for someone with an English degree she uses a lot of 'like". I don't know..
p40 shouldn't it be "yes" instead of "no". As in - Yes, I stole it.

Khan, I am in great debt to you. This is so very thorough and helpful.

Ep 2 is definitely in its infancy. The conversations between Janet and Michael need a lot of work, thanks for pointing it out.

The "transplant" is a word referring to the cashier, not the drag queen. Transplant means someone from a different country.

I used "panting" to mean that she's unfit and exhausted from the climb, not because she's drunk.

In glad you liked it for what it is :)

I was gonna just paste this but it seems like too much material. So I'm doing dropbox again, hope that's okay with you...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/rncxpgwq9w9vr8u/poeplesparties.pdf?dl=0

Mark, you have no idea how much I appreciate this. Every critique I've gotten in this thread has been so in valuable.

I totally get what you're saying about the characters having goals and obstacles. I'm kind of going for something where I kind of just have these self involved characters who make bad or no decisions at all, and end up in a bad place despite their lack of obstacles. Dan is absolutely meant to be whiny, neurotic and hateable (he's based on yours truely :p ), and I kind of want these season-long arc where each character just floats along, does nothing, learns nothing. Does that excuse my complete lack of dramatic tension at all?

Again, ily so much for this mark.

Well, I don't actually know much about teleplay structure. But tension is not an optional thing, under any circumstances.

If your characters want to do nothing, that can be a goal. Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiam often has goals of avoiding doing things. For example, he wanted to avoid going to a charity event. He'd much rather sit around doing nothing and occasionally playing golf. Yet he's thwarted at every turn by this guy who keeps running into him and asking him about the charity event. Leading to a web of lies so tangled that Larry's forced to turn his fake trip to New York into an actual vacation. The obstacles end up creating all the tension and humor.

In real life, there are obstacles to doing nothing. I would love to sit on my ass and do nothing. If someone locked me in a room with cable and netflix and an xbox I'd be completely content. They'd open the door after three months of isolation and I'd tell them to shut it cuz I'm right in the middle of Sopranos.

There are always obstacles. You have to make money to pay the bills. People call you up to do stuff. Jehovah's Witnesses knock on your door. You seem to be describing a concept that's less realistic and much less interesting than real life.

I think you mentioned Lena Dunham's Girls as an influence. I've never actually seen the show, but I highly doubt the characters float along doing absolutely nothing. I am willing to watch it to see if that's the case (actually, I've been meaning to watch it anyways). I will stunned if there aren't goals, obstacles, and scene to scene tension throughout.

Hi Mark,

You've made an awesome point. I'll work on it.

`Ok so GIRLS is a great show and the characters are def not doing nothing.

But Ben I think what you're going for is character driven not action driven which is fine. I do the same thing with my scripts. But the thing with character driven shows or movies is that the action has to come out of the characters personalities and goals.

Say you have a character who is a slacker. Cool. He may well not do anything all day but play video games...the catch...he is one of the top performing execs at a media firm. People find his slacker ways somehow savant like. He may say something so simple that it's brilliant so on and so forth.

You can do that and still have a slacker at heart.

Ash lie, I definitely agree with you, thanks for the input. Did you read the pilot? I just ask because I'm a little confused :p

Ash lie, I definitely agree with you, thanks for the input. Did you read the pilot? I just ask because I'm a little confused :p

I read both actually..in fact I believe I commented on the film version but I also talk to myself a lot so maybe not lol...

If you're confused about the last part..it was just an example and had nothing to do with your script. I may not always comment but I do read most scripts on here.

Ah, I see what you mean now. Either way, I appreciate your thoughts.