Trauma Teddy by Warren Duncan - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy, Animation - A teddy bear recounts a traumatic event from his past. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Haha!! Love it, you sick bastard! Very original, creative. Liked the opening with the shots of the desk and diploma's interspersed with the O.S. dialogue. That worked well because you kept those descriptions brief - one line only.

At work now so I might come back with a bit more detail, but I like this one a lot! Good work.

Steve

Thanks Steven,

I've been toying with this one for awhile, finally decided to get it down.

Wow, that's an awesome concept. Funny stuff. Funny and clever enough that I was actually kind of let down it ended so quickly. You probably wanna keep it as short and easy to make as possible...

But I'd consider having the therapist say something about Teddy needing to get closure. Then next scene is Teddy finding a now grown up Bobby working at some office and beating the crap out of him in broad daylight. Or at least some kind of entertaining confrontation between a grown up Bobby and this giant talking Teddy Bear.

I think there's a lot of potential there.  

Hey, mate.

Thanks for the read.

Yes page count was definitely a consideration for this one because of what it is.

I guess I didn't want to encroach on Ted territory and just wanted to get out my very contained idea.

Cheers, appreciated as always

Really liked this, clever role reverasal and funny (in a you-sick-f@ck kinda way).

Couple of niggly bits...
- Not sure why first few line of dialogue are O.S. as we're in the office with them.
- Think Maria is introduced without CAPS.
- Felt ending was a little abrupt, though loved the end line!

Good job.

Anthony

Nothing to add other than what's been said really. I do like MIZ's comment about Teddy 'needing closure' but more in dialogue from the Shrink, rather than adding another scene.

This is funny and effective in a cornball kinda way.
And original. I enjoyed it.

P.S. Re Ant's comment, I assume the reason for O.S. at the top is so we hear voices only and then the surprise reveal that these two are in fact Teddy Bears?

Thanks for the read, Anthony and LC.

Correct about the O.S., they are in the scene but 'off screen' then revealed to be bears.

Glad it is having the effect I was going for.

Will tidy up what needs tidying up.

Cheers.

Hi!

This was funny. Few things:

"COUNCILLOR’S OFFICE" - it's spelt "counsellor"

Some of Bobby's lines don't sound like a six year old's "my life changed forever," etc

This was a little short. I don't have too much to say because it was effective, and I don't know how much you could add. A punchline of some sort from the bear psychiatrist might round it up. I don't know.

Good work!

Thanks for the read, Ben.

Will fix that up, not sure how it slipped through.

I think you'll find that's Teddy's line in a V.O.

Definitely short because of what it takes to do an animation.

Thanks for the good comments, appreciated.

Very nice.  

It was predictable to me when the little boy was introduced, but in no way did it take away from the punchline!  

I laughed regardless.  Well done.  

Nolan

Thanks, Nolan.

Glad you liked it.

W,
So I'm thinking, at first,  TED 3 is going to be a  short, cartoon.  My bad!  I left out creative and very, very funny.
Held it together until,  "He touched me Doc, the sick  f--- touched me"  Yeah, I laughed out loud!  A thought: Maybe you reveal, at first, that only Teddy is a TB.  Leave the psychiatrist's "bearness" until the last scene.  Not sure if doing that adds or subtracts from the over all fun?

Good onya  (How about that?)

JJ

Hi Warren, absolutely brilliant. So this is how it's done, it got me wanting more.

Thanks for the read, Jake and Gary.

Glad this worked for you and gave you a bit of a laugh.

Funny, funny, funny and smart writing. I love the short descriptions...great job!
Fausto

Thanks, fausto.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Hi Warren, very cool, funny I liked it. 😊

Thanks for reading, Kristen.

Hahaha. I like it. I like it a lot.

But yeah, what MakeItZero said would defo make for a better pay off at the end.

Cheers for the read, Brandon.

It's getting some interest in it's current form so probably won't be changing anything until that falls through.

Quoted from Warren Cheers for the read, Brandon. It's getting some interest in it's current form so probably won't be changing anything until that falls through.

It would be a fun one to make, so I'm sure it'll get picked up.

Trauma Teddy has been optioned to be turned into a live action piece.

Quoted from Warren Trauma Teddy has been optioned to be turned into a live action piece.

Very cool - can't wait to see it

Filmmaker decided not to use this so it is once again available. Shortest option ever.

Sorry the option didn't work out

I liked it, short and punchy! Didn't twig what was going on until she picked up teddy

Very original and a welcome break from some other 'comedy' shorts I've read tonight

Thanks for checking this out, Matt.

I really love this script. It’s probably my personal favourite out of all the shorts I’ve written.

Let me know if you need something read.

Clever and funny, in a very dark way. I liked it.

This one was a difficult one to pull off, because of the topic, but you did a great job.

What a shame the option didn't work.

Thanks for the read, David.

I actually hung on to this story for quite a while because I was worried how it would be received. I'm glad readers have enjoyed it.

Is there anything you want read?