Meeting The Other Woman by David Lamberson - Short, Drama - A wife discovers something important about her own life when she finally meets the other woman.  12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Meeting the other woman - drama

SPOILERS

The wife of a murder victim visits the killer on death row to find some peace about her life

This is quite wordy, we effectively hear all the story, but I quite liked it.

Two women meeting, a history and circumstance between them

The victim wanting to know some answers.

I presume the throwing away the pearls was to represent her moving on having found out the truth. In some ways I was expecting more of a twist, but it is what it is.

I think for this moment to have major dramatic effect there had to be discoveries on both sides and some major revelations.

But I did enjoy.

I like this one.  It plays a bit worn because it's the same old, but you gave it a bit more life.  Often, people want to know more about some significant moment, and you provided that.  Good job.

Wow, really liked this one!  It was pretty talky but it flowed and was broken up so I didn't skim!  you kind of got around the 'zero male' policy in the jail ok tohugh I'm sure there would be male officers around; they just happened to not be there for the scenes lol!

The best I've read so far. Great work!

Potential genres were action, comedy, horror, sci-fi, thriller, western, noir, sports and random(pick one of the other 8). No drama, so fails the challenge, in my eyes. I'm a stickler for the rules. ;)
I like the concept.

Visually it's pretty dull, all taking place in just one environment, and largely in just one conversation. These things read better than they look on film, imho.

Like a lot of stories in the OWC, it's basically explaining a whole other story through dialogue. If filmed as is, it would subconsciously feel very constrained...Two people looking at each other through the glass is pretty claustrophobic.,but I get that you've had to adhere to the rules.


Outside of the challenge, I think it could be a stronger piece, showing more of their interactions with William.


All that being said, it was still a great read and very enjoyable.

First one I've read.

I got worried at first when I read about the orange-tinted...   :D

Anyway, I thought this one was great! Great drama that kept escalating. I have no suggestions for any changes. An A+ from me or is it an EXCELLENT this OWC?

My only beef with this would be the believability of Joan not knowing the details already. Seems to me she would've followed the trial pretty closely and would already know the things she asked Kimberly about.

Great job whoever you are.  8)

Your opening passage isn't a complete thought, based on how you made it passive, which is a mistake.

"High powered lights from security towers FLASH on throwing light on the barren landscape surrounding the complex." - I had to read this line several times.  It's missing an important comma between "on" and "throwing" - as is, it has different meaning.

Joan's intro is way too late, as she should be intro'd when we first see her.

Why is there a comma between "female" and "STAFFER"? Makes no sense.

"PRISONER prisoner" - Huh?

Kimberly's intro is also way too late.  Just intro your characters when they first appear onscreen.  Why keep waiting?

Overall, this is good.  Well done, even.  Moving.

It's basically all dialogue and wouldn't play well in a filmed version, and I don't buy in to the setup, as there's no way a death row inmate wold be allowed to have a visitor minutes before she's going to be put to death.  And, just the nature of the exposition isn't really believable, but it works for some reason.

One of the better entries, but was drama one of the genres available?

My first read and a pretty good start.
I liked the story, the meeting and the ending pearl scene.
The setup and story could use tweaking.

I don't know anything about Texas law, but would the murder of a businessman warrant the death penalty?

Since everything in the story treats this as a high-profile crime, what if the husband was somebody of importance - a high-ranking politician or federal judge, for example?  Maybe Joan is an important figure, or the daughter of somebody prominent. This would give her greater access to a criminal only hours away from execution.

I do favor what others have suggested that Joan learn something more to Kimberly's relationship with the deceased.  Some dark secret perhaps.  But that might mean extending this into a bigger story. Something to thing about.

I'm not in favor of the VO announcements of the execution on the radio. Seems way too coincidental.  Maybe leave it as a VO, so that it provides information without the coincidence.
Perhaps Kimberly is the first woman executed in the state of Texas since ????  That would give it higher news value and immediacy.

Overall, a very good read. Writing was excellent. The story interesting. There's a lot here going your way.  Thanks for the entry.

This was pretty damn good especially given the gender challenge in one week.This one shows good empathy for two women in this situation.

She peers in at a FEMALE PRISONER prisoner dressed... one prisoner too many

This was an excellent piece and very well written.

It was great dialogue back and forth, kept the tension and story moving.

The ending with Joan throwing the pearls out the window with a wry smile just summed up the justification.

Well done and one of my favs so far

Key plot elements spelled out in a radio/tv broadcast usually bugs me, but this is a short, with a week’s time limit, so I’ll let that slide.

As I read on, I actually wish you left the radio part out.  To hear this conversation and slowly let the story come out from it would have been so much better.

See then you have the bookend radio broadcast, and all I wonder is “which radio station is reporting this?”  I would have liked for that to remain unseen and unheard.  
Show Kimberly walking to her fate, then just cut away.

I guess the pearl drop signified closure, but she just found out her husband risked her life for her… eh, this is fine.

The dialogue and story are pretty engaging as they talk.  The descriptions are well done, but that damn radio…

It was good.

Drama - that wasn't on the list... I'm out...

Only kidding...

I liked this one a lot, sure there's a typo or two and maybe it's a little dialogue heavy, BUT the characters work, their interplay is effective and it builds upon little revelations, good stuff.

Also love the final line - "They bounce in the air like fireflies." beautiful image.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Drama - that wasn't on the list... I'm out...

Was this indeed a genre or not?  If it's not, the script should not qualify, just like a script with 2 sexes in it doesn't, either.

I was a bit worried when I opened this one to find yet another script, stuffed to the rafters with dialogue, but I liked it!

The characters seemed real, the emotions raw, and it took a fairly simple premise and ran with it. The overall work was well crafted, no glaring typos or formatting issues, and I found myself caring about the characters.

Really good work,

Cam

Definitely a more well rounded story.

I think the surprise element of this, that she was actually aiming the gun, not at the husband, but at her, is was makes this, but I think you threw it away a bit.

This should be the final twist and it didn't receive the impact it deserves, imh, the way it is written.
Develop this. Surprises like that 'reveal' elevate a story.

I thought the 'other woman' the innocent one should be presented with more assertiveness. Under the circumstances you would be a bit of a nervous Nelly, but some comeback surprises of her own could add to this.

It didn't blow me away, but I enjoyed it and I wanted to know what was going to happen next.
Good job.

I enjoyed this a lot too.  Great job.  It would have graded higher for me except for all the typos and other errors that really make this hard to read in certain spots.

The women should be introduced earlier.  

I thought it was very moving.  You make me care about both of them.

I hope you fix this up and it gets made.  I can see that happening.  

Great Job
Dan

Very solid, indeed.

Loved the dialogue and the characters all the way through. Sharply written, as well.

Not much to say that hasn't already been said.  

I don't particularly like dramas, but I don't hate them either.  I'm more of a "meh" when it comes to them.  This was pretty good though.  

Very nice job!
got to check if drama was one of the options though.
Great story very well told - I was in the whole time, pity it had to end)

Good dialogue and flow. My only issue is the realism of the 'other women' meeting each and being so civil. Even if she is going to die in an hour, I think she'd lose her cool on that cheating ho. She's getting the death sentence for killing the unintended and she's so civil? Hmmmm.... Maybe it's just me.

Even with that, I did like it. Good work.

Repeating "Texas highway" is redundantly redundant. I'd replace the second instance with "road." Remember, the dictionary and thesaurus are your friends. So is Google.

Ditto "Luxury sedan." a CAR slug would have been just fine.

"ten and two." Not sure what this means.

A 14-line block of dialogue?! :o To paraphrase Devo, "Trim it! Trim it good."

Quoted Text FEMALE REPORTER (V.O.) (through car radio) ...Barring any intervention by the Governor, Kimberly Mansfield will be executed at midnight, tonight - just six hours from now. Mansfield was convicted of the murder of William Peterson, an investment banker from the Dallas-Fort Worth area in 2012. Mansfield, William’s mistress at the time, shot him to death in the driveway of his estate. William’s wife was by his side at the time of the shooting --

This rims it down to ten lines.

Quoted Text FEMALE REPORTER (V.O.) (through car radio) ...Kimberly Mansfield will be executed at midnight, tonight - just six hours from now. Mansfield was convicted of the murder of William Peterson, an investment banker from the Dallas-Fort Worth area in 2012. Mansfield, William’s mistress at the time, shot him to death in the driveway of his estate. William’s wife --

Still needs work. Maybe cut "just six hours from now" or "midnight, tonight." One or the other, not both.

How about... "Mansfield, William Peterson's mistress at the time, shot him blah blah blah." That trim it to maybe seven or eight lines, which is still longer than most readers can handle. Maybe cut out unnecessary details. Maybe have the reporter drone indistinctly, volume fading in or out. Start late, leave early. There's a way to do this.

Moving on...

"A FEMALE, staffer"

I'd cap the footsteps echo sound effect. I used to not be crazy about capping sound, but it's grown on me. Sometimes, you need it to break the monotony and make the script exciting.

Don't overdo the parentheticals.

Now I'm speeding up the read, but still as thoroughly as before. Pretty good stuff, though.

Numbers are usually spelled out in dialogue. Unless it's a ridiculously large number like 5,123,456,789 or example. If it rolls off the tongue easily, spell it out. "Twenty-Eleven" would work just fine. And "New Year's Day" should be capitalized.

An affair with anniversaries? Wow. Okay.

Whoa. Nice twist! 8)

Repeating the same slug from earlier?

Better than I expected. Excellent job. :)

Hmm, a drama so I'm going to have to knock points off for that as this wasn't a genre option.

Prose like descriptions to make the scenes sound sexier, points off for that as well.

A story that doesn't read like a story but more like a scene in a TV show and it's almost all dialogue, points off there.

The radio isn't necessary and sounds like painful exposition. More points knocked off.

When Kimberley and Joan were talking, I kept on forgetting which one was the prisoner. This is because the two characters sound exactly the same. More deductions!

However, that's the bad news and the points I've knocked off are small. Despite my nitpicking it's well written and the dialogue is very natural sounding and believable. They do sound like two women and you only have women in the story, although the whole concept revolves around the husband but I will let that slide.

The story unfolds through the conversation as does the drama, this is very difficult to do effectively and you pull it off.

A very decent piece for a OWC.

-Mark

Solid title
Very vague logline

P4
"I know that it’s a
difficult time."

A bit understated, not?

The plot is too passive. Almost all things are about what's off-screen and too few things are about what is in-scene.

I don't believe in the concept. Sorry. Your execution is clear and tidy, it just didn't work with me.

I'm astonished you guys know more about fashion then maybe even I do.

Smart move putting this at a MAX SECURITY prison. No men. Makes sense.

11:00 PM? Do they even allow visitors at this hour?

Quoted Text JOAN Hope? KIMBERLY That you would just die.

DAMN Kim is ruthless....I like her. ;D

Wow, this one may be my favorite. I actually felt bad for both of them.

The thing with the pearls on the highway was a little much....but that's just me.
If I was Joan I would have watched the execution.

I don't have to much to say except....excellent!

Hey Dave. Same story here as with Jeff’s script. This was one of my top scorers, but I read it at the tail end.

I just think the characters and situation were very well done. The story’s told almost entirely through dialogue, which is hard but you handled it well. There are always places in dialogue where nipping and tucking can help, but it worked for the most part.

I think the main reason it was one of my favorite was just how much empathy both of the characters were treated with. It made it feel real and nuanced. Somehow you managed to make a story about a wife getting closure connect despite most of it taking place in one conversation.

There were some rumbles that 'Drama' wasn't an assignable genre. I didn't realize that so it didn't effect my grade. Not sure it would've.

Nice work

Quoted from EWall433 Hey Dave. Same story here as with Jeff’s script. This was one of my top scorers, but I read it at the tail end. I just think the characters and situation were very well done. The story’s told almost entirely through dialogue, which is hard but you handled it well. There are always places in dialogue where nipping and tucking can help, but it worked for the most part. I think the main reason it was one of my favorite was just how much empathy both of the characters were treated with. It made it feel real and nuanced. Somehow you managed to make a story about a wife getting closure connect despite most of it taking place in one conversation. There were some rumbles that 'Drama' wasn't an assignable genre. I didn't realize that so it didn't effect my grade. Not sure it would've. Nice work

Thanks - much appreciated

Yeah great effort Dave, This was the only one I gave an Excellent. Really got into it straight away, good story and the dialogue was realistic. Well done bro!

Dave, this was one of my few top scores too.  Really well done.  I can see this getting filmed, easily!!

Great job.

Dan

Sold.

You're on a roll Dave! Congratulations!  8)

thanks :)

Much congratulations to you

Good stuff Dave👍🏻

Congrats Dave, it's all happening!

Thanks all - appreciated

Congrats Dave!

Congratulations!

Thanks

Superb and richly deserved. Congratulations.