Anita Blackman - OWC - Print Topic

Very, very poor way to start a scipt with 2 passages, but no Slug. I honestly don't get it.

Also, when using a SUPER, you want it after a Slug, not before it.

Comedy is subjective and British Comedy is extremely subjective. I'm not British and I didn't find a single thing funny here. I did find it very strange, and for the most part, completely senseless.

None of these ladies sounds like a lady to me.

I don't see any story here at all.

No clue where the insert picture is supposed to be from or mean.

No clue what the Roger Waters aside is supposed to mean, but if nothing else, the apostrophe in "Water's" is completely incorrect and again, completely senseless.

In terms of the challenge, you attempted comedy (and some may actually find it funny), and having only women here feels realistic, so good on that.

You should have just ended the script after the fart. (words I never thought I would say) Because that was actually very funny to me.

I did not really care about anything else after that. Nor, do I wanna know why you hated Ashley so much, gas and her period? It happens and I guess DUFF is still a thing.

While I was getting British I was not getting British comedy which was I guess the goal? When you do parody you gotta know the subject matter in and out. Cut this down and make everything before the fart matter.

Was there an opening slug missing?

Rather than inserting the picture of Anita out of nowhere – maybe consider having one hang in the stable as part of the homage – it was kind of like being jerked out of the scene as is.

Sir Loyne – I liked this 

ASHLEY

Quoted Text

My Aunt Flo is here from Red Rocks!

Aunt Flo really has become worn, IMO – I wouldn’t use it.

Okay - really not mu cup of tea - fart and period jokes and a dead horse. Just didn't make me laugh. Of course, comedy is very subjective - someone others may find it funny.

This was like a comedy horror script. Initially I thought this was going to be a 'Carry On' style script. But that faded quickly. The story felt forced and didn't feel like it flowed as well as it could have. Like the others have mentioned, the opening slug is missing.

Overall I felt this one come have been better.

I don't know who Jan Brady is so this and other similar comments drew me out of the story. Whenever you write a script it is inadvisable to mention famous people in the action as it requires people to know who you are referring to, plus it can date a script.

I'm British and this seem like a gross stereotypical parody of upper class posh folk. It had it's funny moments, I did indeed laugh at the farting bit and liked they way you referred to it as fluff. I didn't find the period funny though, it seemed to take the farce to the extreme.

With your action, be wary of telling the actor how to move. You tell them how to point how to tilt their head, it's all a bit too much detail that isn't really required.

You have a male in the script, not sure if that meets the criteria of the challenge but maybe I'm nitpicking. I'd say it does meet the requirements as he's never properly introduced and doesn't have any dialogue so...yeah I'd say this does meet the requirements, and well done on that, but it's not my cup of Earl Grey tea.

-Mark

What are we fading into? No scene at all which is jarring.

Why am I picturing the Monty Python Crew dressed in drag during this one? There's some good gags among the absurdness. I've never heard a fart described as a fluff but then again I'm not English. The titular joke was actually pretty funny I thought. This was a bit crude, but not as bad as I was afraid it might be. I mean, I laughed a little here and there.

Decent.

Also too many pregnant pauses. Whatever that even means.

I could appreciate all the humor around the names and the funny fart but there's not enough story for me.
I think they rush into believing they caused the death of the horse - that part could be rewritten perhaps.

Then they start digging the grave and something should happen - like the horse could come alive or something.

The Aunt Flo thing wasn't funny.

When the horse falls down - I think you better describe it laying down giving its final breaths or something.

Knickerbocker Glory, hmm. If you'd said Cherry Bakewell or Eton Mess I would have got it. Some Brit stuff travels. Anyway, Google cures all. I read above, Mark doesn't even get the reference to Jan Brady - Brady Bunch middle child, Mark - 'Marcia, Marcia, Marcia' was the pretty popular one.

Anyway, I digress.

This was so silly, so ridiculous it was almost funny, almost had me chuckle in spots. But really as an exercise in female dialogue it didn't float my boat. And who goes riding on just one shared horse? when there's three of them.

Over n out. :)

Dear god, not sure about that one. Kinda felt like a skit rather than a script, and the humour wasn't there for me I'm afraid.

Also, even though I'm sure we can have a huge PC debate on what one should be able to write about, the Aunt Flo bit was just a fairly major step too far.

So it's got technical issues, the humour wasn't there and it felt like a comedy routine rather than script.

Not for me I'm afraid

Cam

Welcome to the difficulties of having to write a comedy for a OWC - usually a thankless task and I think the hardest genre to pull off.

Most comedy will be sketches, which I think is fine for a short, but it means they will come up against the horror/drama/thriller stories.

Technically there are quite a few issues here which should ideally need to be ironed out in advanced - the opening is particularly confusing.

Two woman arguing over what to do a with a dead horse has potential but like others seeping blood didn't make me laugh.

I think the visual humour could have been upped, but the concept has something about it.

Quoted from Cameron

Talking about periods is too far....but a psycho dissecting and eating her paramour that's cool lol

The Aunt flo thing is only an issue bc this isn't 1976...who even calls it that anymore? lol

And, if she did just get her period, hoping on that horse would do more good than harm. AmIright, ladies? 8)

Quoted from Female Gaze

And, if she did just get her period, hoping on that horse would do more good than harm. AmIright, ladies? 8)

Oh my!

The title certainly tells me what genre this is.  The logline tells me… what the hell is that logline trying to tell me?  “A Wimpy’s Knickerbocker Glory?”  No clue.

Anita Blackman was a real person?  I thought for sure the title was a pun of “I need a black man.”  Is that the joke?  Who am I talking to?

Anyway, don’t need that insert-back to scene stuff.

This Knickbocker Glory is messing with me.  Definitely a British thing that isn’t translating.  Don't assume people know obscure stuff like that.  It’s a drink?  Is Wimpy’s a pub?  Why not just mention it’s a drink in the logline instead of probably confusing everyone?  WHO am I talking to?!

Oh boy, fart jokes!

Sir Loyne Berger confirms the Anita Blackman pun, but I still wanna know if she was really a real person.  I refuse to google.

Literally beating a dead horse is a pretty funny visual, I’ll give you that.

“Aunt Flo” has gotta be one of the most overused jokes on the planet.

Also, there’s a reason I can really only think of 1 or 2 visual period jokes… they’re fuckin repulsive.

“I don’t have a bloody napkin.” – missed an easy riff there, but maybe just the mere mention is supposed to be a joke.

Where did Sir Loyne come from?  What is going on here?  Is he offscreen?  I’m confused.

Not my favorite.

Quoted Text

Anita Blackman was a real person? I thought for sure the title was a pun of “I need a black man.” Is that the joke?

;D :o ::)

Well, I thought it was funny. I had a smile on my face a few times. When she was doing CPR on the horse all I could think of was Jim Carrey in "Me, Myself and Irene" when he was beating the cow with the butt of his gun! And I loved that movie.

It was certainly a quick read, so I can appreciate that. Like some others have mentioned, some people will like this, while others not so much. I did kind of enjoy this, so good on that!

Nolan

No opening slug...

Hmmm, so I am a Brit, so got most of the references and a couple were funny, but this did seem to have been written for the 1970s.

I do however have seem to have had a comedy bypass so this didn't really fly for me.

No opening slug???
Not a good start

Ahh MERRY OLD ENGLAND... nothing merry about place ;D

You're writing about old England and then you reference an obscure Brady Bunch member which is everything American... There's plenty of ye old English famous people to reference.

So by this, I'm guessing an American writer taking on English dialogue and humor... should be fun.

I guess it's not so Old if they're eating at Wimpy's and I haven't heard that name in 20 years lol

Good old fart joke ;D

and then it killed the horse??? hell of a fart

Loyne Berger... going with the full Carry on/Benny hill TV

Beating a dead horse... funny

We were doing ok and now she has her period and you used AUNT FLO... seriously! That's so redundant and not funny anymore. A google check might have given you something more original. At least from a British perspective.

I thought Loyne Berger was actually making an appearance... big No No, the parameter police would on you

Well that was interesting. It seems like you rushed a half baked idea and it doesn't help sometimes being American and trying to write British accents without a lot of research.

The tone has a lot of mistakes, maybe you should have confided in another writer from overseas.

Still I had a few smiles

Good job on entering

Not the most coherent writing but it was embarrassingly funny and gross. A bold choice for this OWC.

Solid title – perhaps something "horse-related" would work better. Codeword: a lot of people like horses, keyword: target audience :-)
experienced logline, sounds like a comedy

I had to laugh about Amy when shouting out to heaven. Such a stupid joke that worked fine.

Perhaps I may be right when saying you haven't found the deepest inspiration this time. No problem. That happens.

Some funny bits here. I reckon the writer had the idea for this before the challenge perhaps? As it seems pretty random stuff to write in a week lol.

Anyway it was a bit of fun I guess. The writer was confident in his formatting and structure. It was just a weird little vignette, like, as someone pointed out, a Benny Hill sketch.

Funny bits...and naughty bits. A couple of references went over my head but I do know Jan Brady! Thankfully it was a quick read.

Comedy is hard. We all agree on that. But reading it shouldn't be ;)

This was cute. Do fart jokes ever get old? Ha ha. ;D

I totally got the references to Jan Brady and "Another Brick in the Wall" (If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!)

The whole thing had a Monty Python/Ab Fab vibe to it. Hilarious! I don't always get British humor, but this was a "bloody good programme," as they'd say.

Good show, cherio. Keep up the good work.

Quoted Text

The whole thing had a Monty Python/Ab Fab vibe to it. Hilarious!

That's all I kept envisioning was Ab Fab! This just screams those two at a stable somewhere or like that episode where they went fox hunting....very similar. Good on the writer.

Humor is hard. British humor is even harder.

I think Comedy is so hard on here because half of the regulars are from other countries. So, what counts for humor in EACH country (including USA) might not be funny elsewhere.

You have to try to find universally funny things that should work in any country.

For me, my 2 fav comedies are Planes, Trains and Automobiles as well as Naked Gun.

If I was given comedy, I would have gone for that vein...

I can't add more than what's already been said.

Dan