Don't Stop Believing by Anonymous - Short, Horror - It takes a child's innocence to believe in that of which seems unbelievable, but a child's innocence is exactly what Evil preys on. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was a neat little story. Well written too. Plenty creepy enough, but I do feel like you could have ratcheted up the horror a notch or two.

Good job with the gender assignment as well, it didn't seem forced at all. You did mention the dad throughout, but as far as I can tell that's not against the rules.

My only complaint here would have to be the title. I feel like if you had more time you would have come up with a better one.

Either way, I liked this. I hope the rest of the scripts are as good as this one. :)

~Zack~

Quite a nice little dark fairy tale.

It felt too linear to be memorable. A kind of one paced drive to the end, with no twists or turns and no real emotional power.

After the OWC's over, I'd be tempted to put the father in, but make him argue with the mother all the time.

Then get it so that the toys tell the girl's they can make them all happy forever, and the little girl's lead the parents deliberately to Queenie. That would introduce a bit more power to it, imo.

I really didn't get this one at all.

Quoted Text RABBIT (young female voice) What's up, Doc? You're awful cute, yourself.

Really? You want us envisioning Bugs Bunny here?

Quoted Text HANNAH Daddy's coming over? You think Mommy and Daddy will sleep together?

She’s five years old and that’s the thought that crosses her mine????

Quoted Text HANNAH BEAR CUB (young female voice) Of course, we do, you silly rabbit.

So the Bear is familiar with the TRIX commercial too?

Quoted Text RABBIT She came to us last night, in the storm. She wants to meet you.

She just came last night and already there is peace and harmony?

Sorry - the story just didn't hit me and I thought the dialogue needed work. Format wise  - solid. No issues. Will give it another read later to see if I just missed something.

Hmmm...a talking rabbit?  Are we in horror or pisser realm?

End of Page 1 - a call out to Heinlein's Puppet Masters? Let's see...

All the rabbit nods, reeks of Stevie's Bunnyman scripts, but this doesn't seem to come from an Aussie writer.

Page 5 - OK, there's the title.  Funny, cuz I hear Journey's classic right now!  HA!

Damn...and there's another rabbit ref with the silly rabbit from Trix cereal.  Really?

Page 7 - Ok, here we go now.  Maybe a bit slow to get to here, but I think I know where we're going now.  Let's see...

And a talking bear and deer...hmmm...well...Ok..I'm still here.

Queenie - a nod to gay/lesbo?  I don't know, but so far, I'm liking it.

OK...a few orphans, good writing, pretty good dialogue (kids actually seem like kids...and sisters), pretty good story, and pretty good horror, even.

I was wondering (worried) the Dad would show up and cancel out the challenge, but the writer handled it well.

It works.  Good effort.  I would have liked a little more and a little less, if that makes sense.  Strong entry.

Nope, sorry.

Expectations were high with the title and logline, even though the latter is messy i. e., get rid of the 'of' for starters.

Unless you're talking Attila it really should be 'hon', not 'hun' imh.

'Should get a punishment' ?
Should be punished.

All the same, bit harsh and overwrought.

Overall, the dialogue sounds contrived to my ear, not befitting of young kids in so many instances, and I couldn't stick with the story.

Sorry, but another   ::) from me.

The title tells me this was written by Steve Perry. The bunny tells me it was written by Stevie. :D (But then again, who wrote Gym Bunnies? It's a Bunnyman takeover!  ;D)

I liked this one. It was cute. As a horror, though, I wish you had amped it up and introduced it earlier. Also, Jazmine sounds older than 9. Maybe 19, but her vocabulary is a little too big for a 9-year-old. I'd pin her at 14 or 15.

Dialogue felt quite natural, Hannah and Jazmine seemed like actual sisters.

As for the title, keep it. I read this BECAUSE of the title. One of the greatest songs of the 80s by one of the greatest bands of the late 70s and 80s.

Excellent job.

Isn't this Woodland Critter Christmas from South park? lol

Stan discovers talking woodland creatures in a forest

I'm sorry but it's all I could think off as I was reading it especially when you had a talking Bear Cub and Fawn and rabbit... and Queenie is the Antichrist per se

if I'm wrong that was incredibly original...
if i'm right well you just used an existing episode of South Park and made a very slight twist.

Well written though

I liked it!  I normally wouldn't be a fan of a "quirky" horror movie, but this one really won me over.

Fun tone, good dialogue, and well paced.  I really liked the relationship between the sisters.  

My favorite of the competition so far.

"Just a small town girl, living in a loooonleeyyy world, she took..." Journey will never be the same again after that. You got there first Chris, but I had the same initial reaction.

This was a bit on the nuts side, but hey, nuts is sometimes good. This nut wasn't terrible, but it wasn't exceptional either.

The writing was sound, descriptions were good and pacing worked, so you've basically got the technical stuff nailed down so far as I could see. The subject matter was a bitty too out there (and this is coming from someone who's written about psychotic midgets and super hero hamsters).

Try pitching it to yourself. So there's this thing, it's got lots of arms and makes animals talk, and lures in humans and makes them a bit weird too. Sorry but it just didn't work for me from a plot perspective, but well done on the writing.

Cam

I thought it was pretty good.  The challenge made sense, no men.

I didn't totally buy the talking animals.  It also didn't feel like horror.  It felt like a kids' story gone wrong, but, traditional kids' stories are rather morbid in their pure form, so, it was fun more than scary.

A few orphans, but, the dialog is good.  The kids do seem like kids, and sisters.

Dan

Cute but more fairy tale than horror. The talking bunny should lure Hannah to the other-worldly entity. Or at least deep into the forest in the first scene. We don't need to see the outcome at this point.

And then Hannah returns home and lures her family to the creature. I wanted to see creepiness at the breakfast table. Because Hannah should be changed, and Jaz and Mom sense it.

The creepiness should be mounting with each scene. Until we get to the nasty final act.
Also, don't like things ending with the unseen Dad. He seemed like an OK dude.

The writing is solid, the story not so. My sister is a Journey fan, so she might have a different opinion.

Not bad.

The writing was very clear and crisp. Easy to read.

The problem I had was with the story in that it was a little off? The light heartened fairy tale aspect clashed with the dark horror aspect at the end. The entire time I was reading I was constantly being reminded of South Park's woodland creatures which though funny cause it was so over the top didn't work as well here. A lot of the dialogue could be improved I thought. The girls sound kind wooden if that the right term. Very on point at times with talk of daddy and mom's issues instead of showing them which would have helped convey the girls sense of hurt and loss.

Some scenes don't move the action at all. The exchange of the girls and rabbit on the way to the crater could be cut I think. Breakfast goes on a bit long.

That said I do like how at the end the sludge/Queen/entity will bring bring the family back together so that was not lost on me. A very good effort and a solid script all around.

A mixed bag for me.

The little girl innocently following a creature into the woods I quite liked. The tension behind what she will do, where she will go and how she manages family expectations is solid turf.

The black mass, and unseen creature, don't do much for me.

I think I would also prefer it if something had happened alone to the little girl so that tension remains in the house once she is back, but that's a small issue.

Fair effort though

I liked it, but then again, I'm partial to bad Stephen King-ish type material like the black goo. I could visualize every scene so kudos. Good ending with the thought of where will this go next.

A little more time and I think you'd have a winner.

I liked this, but have mixed feelings on it.  

On the one hand, I did like how things were built up.  On the other hand, I think I was looking for more.  I'm sure it could have been more suspenseful than it was but I did like the whole fairytale element to it as well.  

Anything with children has a tendency to be a little more creepy, in my opinion.  For that alone I was a fan of this.

Nolan

Lol Bunnyman!  knew I shoulda done a 4th one for the series (fifth actually - I have written a 4th one after the superhero OWC but did nothing with it).

Anyway you handled the kids pretty well except for a couple of dodgy lines. It was very Stephen King in feel (The Tommyknockers, It and The Raft). I didn't like the continued same description of the 'gelatinous mass", that got boring after while.

A pretty good effort and would be heaps better after a rewrite so nice!

Got a kick out of this one. It had the right amount of quirkiness and innocence to win me over - although I was pretty much set in after the talking rabbit.

For some reason, I was expecting something hellishly depraved and from what I was thinking I was gonna get, I'm glad it panned out the way it did.

Also a sucker for blobs, so that helped.

Nicely written and kept me intrigued until the reveal, then I was disappointing that it just turned into a standard version of invasion of the body snatchers.  

It is a shame as this started off as a dark fairy tale that was creepy and had me generally concerned for the kids. This could have been really disturbing if there were more twists, you went deeper into the possibilities and there was more horror.  

Although the dialogue was decent and the relationship between the sisters quite natural, Hannah didn't sound like a 5 year old. I have two kids, my daughter is now 7. If you can make her sound like a 5 year old, this would make the tension much higher.

But a good, solid OWC entry that ticks all the challenge boxes.

-Mark

I think it's lacking the ending - and in your case it's the plot actually. Either that or I missed something and failed to understand the whole thing.

you build to the ending well. A few dialog tweaks perhaps here and there. The older sister sounds like she is five sometimes especially at the beginning.

You introduced the mother-father relationship but haven't played on it.

And like I said I don't know what it all means in the end.

But this was quite sinister and you made me wait to see what's it all about which is always a good thing.

Its one of the better entries

I think one of the biggest problems with the story is that we see no horror.  

There was an oddball take on "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" a few years back with Nicole Kidman where the aliens wanted to control the people and bring peace to every living thing.

It got slammed in the press, but, really, it's an interesting question.  Is total peace worth free-will?  Every time someone dies at the hands of terrorism (like the Mosque in Canada), I always wonder about that.

In this story, I don't see any evil.  I see a loss of free will, but, no evil.  If anything, I see a peace where nothing has to be killed anymore.  

Just my 2 cents.
Dan

Quoted from DanC I think one of the biggest problems with the story is that we see no horror.   There was an oddball take on "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" a few years back with Nicole Kidman where the aliens wanted to control the people and bring peace to every living thing. It got slammed in the press, but, really, it's an interesting question.  Is total peace worth free-will?  Every time someone dies at the hands of terrorism (like the Mosque in Canada), I always wonder about that. In this story, I don't see any evil.  I see a loss of free will, but, no evil.  If anything, I see a peace where nothing has to be killed anymore.

My take was as I originally said - it comes off akin to Heinlein's "Puppet Masters".  In that film (not sure about the novel, as I didn't read it), the actual alien's hid on the human's (and even a cat's) bodies, and embedded themselves inside them, thus controlling them.  Then, other aliens, also hiding on the infected, would be able to "jump" onto other unaffected bodies.

In "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", (and for the most part in "The Invasion"the alien seed pods cloned the humans into an alien.

Here, it appears the "Queen Alien" inserts part of her body onto teh necks of humans and animals, which controls them, but doesn't change tehm from being humans and animals.

The horror here is more than just being "controlled" or changed, it's the actual alien, Queenie, who appears to be quite repulsive - "inky black", "gelatinous", and has multiple eyes and octopus-like appendages.  Although never completely  seen, for me, it worked, as I could imagine this creature, and sometimes, that's what's scary.

Quoted from Dreamscale My take was as I originally said - it comes off akin to Heinlein's "Puppet Masters".  In that film (not sure about the novel, as I didn't read it), the actual alien's hid on the human's (and even a cat's) bodies, and embedded themselves inside them, thus controlling them.  Then, other aliens, also hiding on the infected, would be able to "jump" onto other unaffected bodies. In "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", (and for the most part in "The Invasion"the alien seed pods cloned the humans into an alien. Here, it appears the "Queen Alien" inserts part of her body onto teh necks of humans and animals, which controls them, but doesn't change tehm from being humans and animals. The horror here is more than just being "controlled" or changed, it's the actual alien, Queenie, who appears to be quite repulsive - "inky black", "gelatinous", and has multiple eyes and octopus-like appendages.  Although never completely  seen, for me, it worked, as I could imagine this creature, and sometimes, that's what's scary.

I get your point, but, for me, pretty doesn't = good and ugly doesn't = bad.  The alien might look really ugly, but, what does it want?  

I can remember an episode of Lost in Space.  The kids meet this beautiful golden alien and they just assume he's the good one.  They later meet this ugly alien who is in conflict with the other alien.  They all side with the beautiful alien.  Turns out, the ugly alien was the good one.  That lesson stuck with me all these years.

So, I guess the moral that I'm making is that the alien is icky, but, that doesn't mean it's evil.  That's why, IMO, we need to see evil done.

this one works, but it's seems too pat, too easy for Queenie.  I would think Mom and Jasmine would not go to fetch Hannah without some backup, at last a club or two.  But that's me.  Still, who wouldn't follow a talking rabbit.  Reminds me of Alice.

There's some issue with dialogue and the girl's ages BUT I enjoyed this, quick read, quirky and dark and left nice and open to do a little more with outside the OWC.

Good effort

The lack of horrific image was not a problem for me as it gave me chills as soon as I saw the talking rabbit and the girls chased him into the forrest to see his other friends. That was really scary.

I'd just want to know what Queenie wants, her plan and what exactly she does to people. But with a few more pages that could be explained perhaps.

Now I have to watch for talking rabbits in my back yard? Great. Excellent idea to make the nonthreatening threatening. Could have used a bit more threat. Ending was almost sweet. Female characters were believable. I liked it. (I had vision of a rabbit on steroids biting the heads off the girls a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail.)

Writer,

Not bad at all. Kept me turning the pages. This needs a trim though - you probably could've done this in less pages. Although the story is unbelievable in spots, and productions cost would be up there, I was very impressed with the way you set up the backstory of the mother and father not being together anymore. That goes a very long way, to me anyway, to add some reality to an otherwise unbelievable tale. Good work there! I thought this was pretty good, writer!

Steve

So-so title, I'm unsure here, it sounds like a generic phrase as so many movies are titled with -- but same time it is also a kind of statement that speaks in a subtle way to us personally…

Logline reads fine, good style, plot-wise one specific information may miss – whatever, it's okay

Entertaining to follow although the resolution wasn't very good in the end. Some cgi needed.

Very good execution on the page. It reads more like an adventure story, no problems with that. The story could need some reworking in the third act. Authentic characters for my taste. Good job here.

This is only the second OWC I've had time to read. Good clean effort, but it lacked in some areas. I honestly didn't think it felt like horror. The tone was not right from the get go. Dialogue was ok, but felt too chatty at times.

I doubt this one will get produced. Talking animals and kids....

I want to like it! It was written well, but the story just didn't grab me. Sorry writer.  I'm nobody, so, just ignore.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I doubt this one will get produced. Talking animals and kids....

No...it won't get produced.  I have a feeling the writer didn't intend it to...but what do I know?   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Gotta love the Swede, though

Hey Jeff. Just wanted to post my review here since this got one of my highest marks, but it came at the end of my reading while I was just reading and rating to get through by the deadline.

I liked this one a lot. Very creepy and unsettling the whole way through. I didn't need to know a whole lot about the creature. Just the little glimpses were disturbing and worked effectively.

The talking animals were interesting. I think they worked well on paper, but I'm not sure if they'd smoothly transition to live action. This might work best as an animated horror short, and the animals reminded me of South Park’s Satanic woodland critters (in a good way).

http://southpark.cc.com/clips/154748/blood-orgy

I also could see Dad’s presence being beneficial if you chose to expand it outside the challenge restrictions.

Anyway, good job.

Quoted from EWall433 Hey Jeff. Just wanted to post my review here since this got one of my highest marks, but it came at the end of my reading while I was just reading and rating to get through by the deadline. I liked this one a lot. Very creepy and unsettling the whole way through. I didn't need to know a whole lot about the creature. Just the little glimpses were disturbing and worked effectively. The talking animals were interesting. I think they worked well on paper, but I'm not sure if they'd smoothly transition to live action. This might work best as an animated horror short, and the animals reminded me of South Park’s Satanic woodland critters (in a good way). http://southpark.cc.com/clips/154748/blood-orgy I also could see Dad’s presence being beneficial if you chose to expand it outside the challenge restrictions. Anyway, good job.

Thanks, bro!

Funny, as I almost write in the logline, "animated", against it.

Also, yeah, I wanted the Dad to have a very small onscreen presence, but couldn't.

Congrats on a solid and unsettling entry that worked well.  You are a force to be reckoned with!!   ;D ;D ;D

Quoted from Dreamscale No...it won't get produced.  I have a feeling the writer didn't intend it to...but what do I know?   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Gotta love the Swede, though

I will reread this tomorrow and post a proper review as I wasn't in prime reviewing shape when I read this. I owe you that.   :K)

Thanks to everyone who read and commented.  Seems like some liked this, so that's always cool.  More than a few did not seem to like this, and that's not cool.

I did try, though.  And I was and still am pretty happy with it overall.

I've been wanting to write an alien type story like this for awhile, but never got around to it.  By Tuesday, I hadn't come up with anything, so started thinking about an alien angle again.  The talking animals followed and by Thursday evening, I had things worked out in my head, and was ready to hammer it all out Friday.

It's kind of funny, as I told my girlfriend about the challenge.  When we talked Thursday night, I told her my script wold have a talking bunny, bear cub, and fawn, and she was silent for a few seconds - basically, she thought I was messing with her.  But, she read it Friday evening and said she liked it, so I was ready to submit it.

I wasn't thrilled with the title and still don't really like it.

My girlfriend has grandkids, so i am very familiar how kids of this age speak.  Some peeps didn't like the dialogue of find it believable, which surprised me.

Others didn't like the repetitive description of the inky black gelatinous mass, which i understand.  I went back and forth about changing it up or keeping it the same.

One thing I definitely was after was to keep things "unknown as long as I could, but still showing a horror element on the end of Page 1, by revealing something was on the rabbit.

I wanted to show Dad at the end, but obviously could not.  As is, I am happy with the ending, as it's left open, but still quite clear what's about to go down.

Fun challenge, good turnout, and good feedback from most.  Thanks again, Don and Sean!

Jeff, I reread your script this morning.  I think the score you received was fitting.

First off, Mr. Format...I was surprised to see you use MORNING and EVENING in your slugs. Didn't know you were okay with those. I know lots of people do and it doesn't bother me even though I stick to only DAY and NIGHT myself and leave the time of day for the action paragraphs. Again, not a complaint, just surprised you use it.  :)

Story wise, I still feel pretty much the same as I did after the first time I read it. I'm just going to try to offer up some suggestions on how to improve the story in my opinion.

The title is not the best for this horror. An upbeat song comes to mind and even if subconsciously, sets the wrong mood.

Early on, you have the black gelatinous stuff on the bunny, but it's not enough to set a creepy mood. I still wasn't sure if this was going to be a cutesy kid story with talking animals or something else.

Following the first hint at something sinister, we get several pages of nothing as far as mood or horror goes. I know you like dialogue and long set-ups and the dialogue was good here, but I'm not a fan of long set-ups. Especially when not much else is happening. Like I said, the dialogue was good, but I think you need to cut back on some of the chatter at the breakfast table. If not, you need to do something to set a creepier tone, otherwise, it still doesn't feel like a horror. Except for forcing a kid to eat sausage, lol!

Those were my only complaints and suggestions.  

Glad you took part and did well.  8)

Thank you, Pia.

As I said, I agree about the title, but also, I didn't want to the title to be a give away as to what this was really going to be about.

Hey Jeff,

Scrolling through and saw this from you and wanted to say I loved it. I liked the use of the innocent little creatures, the curiosity of the girls, the relationship issue with the parents, the fact that even daddy isn't safe....The gooey black inky stuff all along, the creepy alien... Loved it... It all worked brilliantly for me, I even got big sister using her little sisters innocence to be rude about the parents sleeping together.

Nice work!

Thanks, Kirsten.  Glad you liked it.  I appreciate the feedback.