Close To Sunset by Steven Clark - Short, Thriller - After the death of his mother, a middle-aged man must come to terms with the childhood disappearance of his brother. - pdf, format

production: Several INT and EXT locations, several actors - medium range budget.  

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Jake and Car (click to embiggen)


Jake (click to embiggen)


Samuel (click to embiggen)

Overall. this was quite good. Really well written. Three hiccups for me:

SPOILERS

1. The brutality of Jack's treatment of his otherwise piece of shit wife seemed out of character for me. I don't think you need the hair pulling. The speech is good enough.

2. The animal bones in the attic were a stretch of logic for me. I know you have them to incentive Jack to dig up the grave (i.e., if the cat ain't there - what is) - but I had a hard time believing that Grandma would put a dead animal in the attic - why not just bury it with the boy? Why risk the smell, etc? I think it would work better if he found something else up there that piqued his actions - i.e., a cap that the boy wore. a chain or cross - something belonging to him.

3. Would have liked a little on the Grandfather.

The writing was outstanding, IMO. Very professional

Typo on page 4, “lonely realty sigh” s/b “sign”.

A little slow for me on pages 3 through page 9, but then 10-17 were page turners.

SPOILER -

My only beef is the page 2 green car scene. I can't help but think that a kid, even at six, would know his family's car, and would give a "Wait for me!" or something like that. I probably would have skipped Sam smiling and waiving, and instead have Jack not even notice when Sam left, but have the action show us the green car leaving. Maybe then on page 15, in the attic, Jack finds Sam's favorite shirt, the one he was wearing the day he went missing, in the trunk.

Dave and Bogey,

Thanks! Great feedback. This ones been sitting for a few months, but peeps who've seen this earlier agreed the violent scene with the wife should be dropped or changed, so I think I will. I like the animal bones - adds to the creep factor, I think. But I also really get that Sams fav shirt or cap is a good idea too.

I'm also considering sending this one to the Scriptshadow comp, but I would need to get it down to 15 pages or less. Any ideas on what I could cut out?

Steve

Quoted from SAC Dave and Bogey, Thanks! Great feedback. This ones been sitting for a few months, but peeps who've seen this earlier agreed the violent scene with the wife should be dropped or changed, so I think I will. I like the animal bones - adds to the creep factor, I think. But I also really get that Sams fav shirt or cap is a good idea too. I'm also considering sending this one to the Scriptshadow comp, but I would need to get it down to 15 pages or less. Any ideas on what I could cut out? Steve

If whittling it down is the goal - it may be done by changing some plot points.

There's a lot of back and forth about Trish not bring at the funeral. Probably a few pages in different spots dedicated to this. You don't really need that to make the story work.

Jack's at the house two days rather than just one. No reason her can't make the discovery in one day. Trish has to take off to the airport - Jack's going to finish up. That would save space. The wife's angst with the Grandma can be stated before Jack goes over to clean up.

The Wife hates Trish angle isn't essential to the main story theme. That could go.

The cat dialogue could be trimmed back - no reason he had to forget the name.

Just for for thought. Fine as is - but if you want to shorten....

Quoted from SAC I'm also considering sending this one to the Scriptshadow comp, but I would need to get it down to 15 pages or less. Any ideas on what I could cut out? Steve

Steve-

Some potential cuts:

On pages 2-3, I think the only dialogue you need is a single line from Madison ("Sorry about Grandma"), followed by a hug. It's powerful coming from a kid, and I think it could carry the scene by itself.

The flashback at the end of page 4.

The dialogue at the top of page 6. I think an eyeroll and a "Wow" at the sight of the mess would be plenty.

A big cut could be the dialogue on pages 8-9 re the cat, which had me confused. If they buried the cat in that spot (presumably well after Sam was buried there), wouldn't they have found that Sam was also buried there? Seems like that wouldn't be a risk that their Mother would take. IMO, that would be more effective with just be a couple lines from Trish as she looks out the window: "Oh Lord, I forgot about her pet cemetery. We better take that stone out before we try to sell." Jack nods.

Good luck.

Rich

Much appreciated Dave and Rich. Will def look into your suggestions.

Some notes.

The B story in this one doesn't contribute a lot to the A story.  If you want it to, add a cat, or have Maddie disappear for an afternoon, some sort of connection beside a catty wife.

I, for one, don't see mom hiding the cat in the attic.  Just put it in a bag and leave it in the trash.  And Mom is probably not going to get away with burying Sam in the back yard.  Police have a tendency to search the premises when a child goes missing.  Trish should serve more purpose.  She should remember something about the day Ben went to the picnic and mom buried the cat, the big cat.  Let her plant a seed in Ben.  She remembers when mom used to go up in the attic for some reason.  Or that mom used to place something over the attic access in order to hide it.  Little details that mean nothing at the time but will pay big dividends at the end. And Mom should show some homicidal tendencies, something--or else Sam was Satan's spawn and had to be put down.  I too doubt that a six year old would not recognize the family car.  

And of course tighten all the scenes.  Skip the entry greeting, the whole scene.  Jump in late and get out early.

Best
Richard

Thanks Richard. Good notes. So many peeps have mentioned about how it's unbelievable that Jack wouldn't recognize the car in the beginning, and I tried to convey how the sun was in his eyes but it looks like I missed the mark there. Will think it over. Thanks again.

Steve

Hey Steve,
I had to read this twice to make sense of the story, I guess there's quite many characters for a short script.
On page 2 I loved how 'The SWING silently sways in the breeze'. Such lovely little details paint the atmosphere really well.
Little typo on page 4 - REALTY sigh should be SIGN

Like somebody already suggested, Jack being violent to his wife may be a step too far. I mean if any twat ever pulled my hair, I would report him! On the other hand, the script is about a dark side of a family, so we can assume that they are all somehow damaged and a little bit of physical violence may be a part of their daily routine.
The ending is a little unclear for me. Who murdered Samuel? My best guess is that the mother left the boys' father and found herself a new man. Together, for some reason, they got rid of Samuel.
Or was the murderer just the mother herself?
Either way, I like the script. It shows the raw reality, the shit that happens in families, and nicely breaks the 'family is everything' cliche.

Forgot to mention that I really like the title of the script!!!

Marcela,

Thanks for the read. Yes, it was indeed the mother who did the deed, as evidenced by the photo at the end scene with the green sedan. However, i do agree about that violent scene and don't think it's necessary. Will take another look at it.

There's five characters here. Maybe a lot, but this is on the longer side so I figured I could get away with it.

Steve

S,
Been away for a while and am a bit "out of sorts".   Weigh my comments accordingly.  Nicely written.  Great pace.  Really flowed smoothly for me.

Unlike some of the other readers, I thought that that Jack's, hair yanking,nose scraping, head jerking  actions delivered to his "Btchng" wife was the pinnacle of the script.  A GREAT SCENE!!  From Trish's polite exit, the silence, the finger drumming, the stares, Jack's approach, Debbie's white faced opened mouth, etc.  Right up to " And quit smoking.  Fucking stinks."
The entire Dining Room scene was awesome. Wow!

Now I flip the coin.  So Jack and Sam both being six years old, were twins?? or Step Brothers?

We finally see the Green Sedan again in the photo, last scene, and the mystery is solved.  Mom kidnapped her 6 year old son, Samuel, killed him and buried him in the backyard instead of the cat?  Why not Jack?  I mean, they're twins, right?  Maybe Sam was the Bad Twin?  Okay, being too glib!

The writing was TOO SPECIAL for me not to be fed more info. re: Mom's motive.   The hook, twist or solved mystery took precedence over the "Why".  A missed opportunity, I think.

Perhaps Debbie offers a hint to Mom's, long ago, issue's with Samuel at the Dining Room scene?

Oh,
Not sure you need:

INSERT:  TRUNK CONTENTS

on pg. 15.

Anyway,  Great Stuff!

JJ

JJ,

Thanks for the notes! Glad someone finally liked the dining room scene, which served two purposes - one was to give some info on Mom, highlighting that she was indeed crazy and had some issues, therefore making it plausible that she killed her son. Two, showing Jack - who's an otherwise quiet, timid guy - to have a violent streak that just bursts out of nowhere. Again, another reference to Mom - It runs in the family.

Still might consider toning that scene down a tad. And I think you're right about giving a WHY. The hardest villain to pull of is one that is just plain crazy, with no real motive. But in this case I now believe it's warranted. Perhaps Mom suffers from a mental illness? I'll think on it.

Thanks again!

Steve

Steve,

The initial disappearance hooked me and the series of interactions/clues pulled me along to the point where I was seriously caught up in the mystery of what Jack would find while emptying Mom’s house.

Jack’s outburst towards Debbie comes from out of nowhere, but, I do like the suggestion that Jack has a little of Mom’s ‘issues’ in his own psyche.  

I would have to echo others in the logic being a little murky in places:

A suggestion for the grave issue - what if Houdini had died and Jack had tried to bury him (albeit unknowingly) in the same spot Sam was buried thus forcing Mom to take over?  How you work it into the dialogue I don’t know, but it could give her a reason to erect the grave marker after the murder and then hide the dead cat.    It’s a little tenuous to hide the cat in the attic, but it fits the tone and if Mom’s crazy enough to kill her own child then why not hide dead animals in the loft?  

I’d consider mentioning they had only the one cat.  It seemed a bit of a leap for Jack to dig up the grave on the strength of finding the one set of remains - especially if Mom had owned lots of cats over the years.

A couple of areas you could smooth over, but otherwise this is one that’s well worth pursuing.  A good slow burner that’ll stay with me.  Best of luck with it.

Steve

Steve,

Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Great suggeststion and I'm glad this worked for you - for the most part. I have given this a trim, but just now thought of the WHY, and I think it'll be what some of you were asking for from this. Thanks again!

Steve

Hi all. Little bump for the revised version. I took a stab at explaining WHY mom killed her son. If anyone wants to have a go and give me your thoughts it's appreciated. Thanks!

Steve

Hey Steven, hope you are fine

-- endless notes, don't hate me--

Your title and logline, while qualified, read more as of your familiar drama territory, especially the logline. It got quite a lot of conflict bound to characters and their relationships, but there's no true hint at what action and theme, movement, the script has to offer. A Thriller imo has to stand for movement – example: Bourne 123 is a violent cat and mouse game in the world of spies or sth. whatever (we immediately connect even that bland phrase to politics, intelligence, guns, fights, interests, fraud… lots of associations there)

…"must come to terms with the childhood disappearance of his brother" is the statement about your protagonist's task here

but what does he actually do, no clue here???
What's thrilling about the story, hard on tone and clear on scenario?

^^ I'll come back to that when having read the script.

---

"Close to sunset" that's suggestive in case of the title, you did the same when calling them BROTHERS, with regards to the description before. Just saying…

Your writing seems to be flawless here again. Not that I know English or AE very well but from my scriptwriting standpoint, it's very good.

Madison is presented as the teenager who storms off upstairs to her room, then few seconds later she's at the foot of the stairs again… The screen-time feels not 100%. The whole location here, clearly isn't that interesting, so, imo, you should be 100% precise to make it work – with perfect timing. << fucking nitpicking I know :-)


EXT. MOM'S HOUSE – DAY

Not sure about the slug here…

In General, this slug works, sure, although, only with the logline in mind it does I believe…

But who would mom be if we'd just read over the logline.

Possibly, it should be GRANDMA MCKEAN'S HOUSE or sth.


End of page 5 – still full on drama

Still very good execution


Okay, there's a woman that held that camera.

I must say I had a problem here with understanding the context. Point is the first SERIES OF SHOTS: -- Now I see those were actual few separated images running over camera.

IMO Separate them via foregoing dashes. You should, imo, indicate clearer that there's a third person at the playground-- somehow. It wasn't clear to me. I've seen the grainy movie thing more as a say romantic, stylistic choice of you rather than a part of the story!

"It's good to see you, sis.

It's good to see you, too.

Her reaction may be authentic as is, but it's somehow slow and static.

P7 I like the mystery, I like the suspense, the slow that I know from you – though clearly this is no thriller. I made the same mistake recently. IMO It's a hard socio cultural drama.

Especially because you stretch it so much: "We never did talk much
about that…etc. " The audience, we, already think to know, or better said, got a feel what's going on…

In a sense: There's much more reflection than movement happening in this experience.

Which isn't bad at all – it's just a matter of fact to me that this reads not like a Thriller.

Wait, I remember that Trish is forties and Jack's fifties which produces a whole other context now I see. She wouldn't had even been alive when things around Samuel's disappearance happened,,, thing is, this reads very complicated for an audience to perceive as simple viewers.

Second half 10/ first of eleven is when dialogue and conflict gets pretty active and masterful.

Okay at 14 I think the cat is in the trunk, the boy lies in the grave let's see

"The shadows grow long. Close to sunset." Here, you got again the reference to the title. It's really an open suggestion to the director to carry the title with such shots… I'm not sure what to think about it… Really. It's done well but imo a title should stand on its own and shouldn't make sense afterwards or be ambiguous, just my opinion.

All right. It's one of the few stories of you I read that I think are not ready when reading them.

Perhaps I'm wrong, and missed a part but I completely missed the mother's motive to kill Samuel, and not Jack. So, Jack has, must have, grown up with his mother and even with his younger sister Trish – but somehow his mother chose to kill off Sam and leave Jack at the playground alone. Thos strings are loose and open to me. The drama, the slow of you, is once again awesome here.

Personally, I see no Thriller here. The last page's twist were not reasoned well to qualify it as a thrilling piece. This is a drama to me throughout, so I won't come back to the logline now.

Feel free to ask more. I'm a completely fallible guy and possibly I missed what's needed to understand the mother.

Your writing is so strong that I even enjoyed reading this story, a good story I feel, the third act just should have say equalized the whole.

Man, I hope my notes help. And anyway, I'm a fan of you and would like to know why the mother killed Samuel, and when she dragged Samuel, at the playground, away from Jack, and  into the car, then who was the woman with the camera.

Damn, now I reread your initial question…

Had Samuel done something toward mom's cat??? Truly no clue without rereading your statement on the mother's motives, sorry.

And also sorry for my grammar mistakes :-)

I'm sure you find a way to bring this story to screen too. Lots of clever and intelligent storytelling there yet. It was like EVENT -  tons of sensibility in storytelling and arts – and then BANG

That bang was not balanced yet. The overlong second act was strong.

All best and forgive me my grammatical issues, I might edit some tomorrow

Alex

Alex,

Thanks for reading and your detailed notes.

I know this logline stinks. Not my strong suit but I'll think on it some more.

Re: Madison storming upstairs. I'm confused as to how you got that because nowhere in the opening does it say that Madison stormed upstairs or left in a huff.

Re: the opening series of shots. That was just a teaser to set the story up and show the brothers in happier times. Not real time. There is no one else at the playground and no camera.

Re: thriller. Technically you may be right. It certainly has elements of drama and mystery and suspense. I think, if rolled into one, it would qualify as a thriller. I could be wrong about that, but so far no one else has taken me to task on that, but that doesn't mean I'm right.

Re: title reference. That started with a short I wrote a couple years ago. I wrote an action passage "but for the water and the wind," and I thought what a great title. So I lifted it. Since then I've developed a habit of dropping the title in the story itself, and here it's sandwiched at the beginning and the end. It's more a stylistic choice, if anything, but I think it fits.

My last rewrite included a reason for mom to kill her son. Reasoning that the cat was disabled after getting hit by a car and had to be put down, I figured that the mom - who is crazy - would use that very same logic towards her disabled son. I'm not sure if that's the best explanation, but peeps wanted one and I thought it fit the tone of the story.

Thanks again for reading, Alex. Much appreciated!

Steve

2. What a way to set a scene! Kudos. Sucked me right in.

3. "Yeah, I know. I'm gonna get head over there now."

This typo is hilarious.  You probably want to fix this.

4. Very well done flashback.

7. Your painting a hell of a picture here.  Great seeing the sibling relationship.

8. "So, when are you leaving?"

Wow, Debra is a total B lol. Nice job with the characterization.

11. And quit smoking. Fucking stinks.

Okay, didn't see the violent outburst coming but damn! Very all written. I'm glued to this script.  Uber compelling.

12. "Jack wipes his forehead. Hot for September. He looks up at the
SUN, blinks several times, looks away."

Feel like the order should be different, like....

Jack wipes his forehead. Looks up at the
SUN, blinks several times, looks away. It's hot for September.

The hot line needs a subject to be clear. It took me an extra millisecond too understand what you were saying, which pulled me from the story.

-----

Okay, I actually stopped taking notes because I got so damn sucked in. Really loved everything here, with one tiny exception. The ending.

Something about that very last scene with the picture didn't quite feel right. I'm not sure what.

With that said, most of this was just flat out stellar. This is the type of script that depresses me because it's so well written that I personally feel inadequate lol.

Way to go with this one.

Cooper,

Thanks for finding this! This is one of my favs that I've written, and seems to have gotten some good responses across the board.

That typo you pointed out. Funny stuff, I laughed for a bit on that because I never really read it as such until you mentioned it. Nice catch.

And all your other points have been duly noted. Appreciate the read and the bump very much. As per your comment on Warren's Nutcase, I'll give your script a look see. Thanks again!

Steve

Some production pics:



Jake and Car (click to embiggen)


Jake (click to embiggen)


Samuel (click to embiggen)

Very cool

Congrats, pics look good.

Thanks, Don, for adding the pics and giving this a bump! Thanks for your thoughts Dave & Warren.

This is another script where the guy contacted me, then like two weeks later he tells me it's already in production. Love that. This script is long for a short (15 pg), so I give kudos to the filmmaker, Siet Pictures, for taking on a project like this. And he doesn't seem to be just mailing it in. If you tap on the pic of the car - this guy actually rented a classic car just to fit the script (the green sedan). Not green, but pretty cool! Anyway, will keep you posted.

Steve

Look forward to watching it

Nice, Steve. Sounds like it's going to be a quality production.

Good luck, mate.

Congrats!  Best of luck with it.

Thanks, Dustin. And thanks, Steve, for reviewing this. Probably the reason it got picked up in the first place.