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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Close To Sunset - Filming
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  Author    Close To Sunset - Filming  (currently 3386 views)
Don
Posted: February 17th, 2017, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Close To Sunset by Steven Clark - Short, Thriller - After the death of his mother, a middle-aged man must come to terms with the childhood disappearance of his brother. - pdf, format

production: Several INT and EXT locations, several actors - medium range budget.  

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Jake and Car (click to embiggen)


Jake (click to embiggen)


Samuel (click to embiggen)


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-------------
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 11th, 2017, 4:44pm
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eldave1
Posted: February 18th, 2017, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Overall. this was quite good. Really well written. Three hiccups for me:

SPOILERS

1. The brutality of Jack's treatment of his otherwise piece of shit wife seemed out of character for me. I don't think you need the hair pulling. The speech is good enough.

2. The animal bones in the attic were a stretch of logic for me. I know you have them to incentive Jack to dig up the grave (i.e., if the cat ain't there - what is) - but I had a hard time believing that Grandma would put a dead animal in the attic - why not just bury it with the boy? Why risk the smell, etc? I think it would work better if he found something else up there that piqued his actions - i.e., a cap that the boy wore. a chain or cross - something belonging to him.

3. Would have liked a little on the Grandfather.

The writing was outstanding, IMO. Very professional


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Bogey
Posted: February 18th, 2017, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Typo on page 4, “lonely realty sigh” s/b “sign”.

A little slow for me on pages 3 through page 9, but then 10-17 were page turners.

SPOILER -

My only beef is the page 2 green car scene. I can't help but think that a kid, even at six, would know his family's car, and would give a "Wait for me!" or something like that. I probably would have skipped Sam smiling and waiving, and instead have Jack not even notice when Sam left, but have the action show us the green car leaving. Maybe then on page 15, in the attic, Jack finds Sam's favorite shirt, the one he was wearing the day he went missing, in the trunk.
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SAC
Posted: February 18th, 2017, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Dave and Bogey,

Thanks! Great feedback. This ones been sitting for a few months, but peeps who've seen this earlier agreed the violent scene with the wife should be dropped or changed, so I think I will. I like the animal bones - adds to the creep factor, I think. But I also really get that Sams fav shirt or cap is a good idea too.

I'm also considering sending this one to the Scriptshadow comp, but I would need to get it down to 15 pages or less. Any ideas on what I could cut out?

Steve


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eldave1
Posted: February 18th, 2017, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
Dave and Bogey,

Thanks! Great feedback. This ones been sitting for a few months, but peeps who've seen this earlier agreed the violent scene with the wife should be dropped or changed, so I think I will. I like the animal bones - adds to the creep factor, I think. But I also really get that Sams fav shirt or cap is a good idea too.

I'm also considering sending this one to the Scriptshadow comp, but I would need to get it down to 15 pages or less. Any ideas on what I could cut out?

Steve


If whittling it down is the goal - it may be done by changing some plot points.

There's a lot of back and forth about Trish not bring at the funeral. Probably a few pages in different spots dedicated to this. You don't really need that to make the story work.

Jack's at the house two days rather than just one. No reason her can't make the discovery in one day. Trish has to take off to the airport - Jack's going to finish up. That would save space. The wife's angst with the Grandma can be stated before Jack goes over to clean up.

The Wife hates Trish angle isn't essential to the main story theme. That could go.

The cat dialogue could be trimmed back - no reason he had to forget the name.

Just for for thought. Fine as is - but if you want to shorten....



My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Bogey
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Quoted from SAC
I'm also considering sending this one to the Scriptshadow comp, but I would need to get it down to 15 pages or less. Any ideas on what I could cut out?

Steve


Steve-

Some potential cuts:

On pages 2-3, I think the only dialogue you need is a single line from Madison ("Sorry about Grandma"), followed by a hug. It's powerful coming from a kid, and I think it could carry the scene by itself.

The flashback at the end of page 4.

The dialogue at the top of page 6. I think an eyeroll and a "Wow" at the sight of the mess would be plenty.

A big cut could be the dialogue on pages 8-9 re the cat, which had me confused. If they buried the cat in that spot (presumably well after Sam was buried there), wouldn't they have found that Sam was also buried there? Seems like that wouldn't be a risk that their Mother would take. IMO, that would be more effective with just be a couple lines from Trish as she looks out the window: "Oh Lord, I forgot about her pet cemetery. We better take that stone out before we try to sell." Jack nods.

Good luck.

Rich


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SAC
Posted: February 19th, 2017, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Much appreciated Dave and Rich. Will def look into your suggestions.


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RichardR
Posted: February 19th, 2017, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

The B story in this one doesn't contribute a lot to the A story.  If you want it to, add a cat, or have Maddie disappear for an afternoon, some sort of connection beside a catty wife.

I, for one, don't see mom hiding the cat in the attic.  Just put it in a bag and leave it in the trash.  And Mom is probably not going to get away with burying Sam in the back yard.  Police have a tendency to search the premises when a child goes missing.  Trish should serve more purpose.  She should remember something about the day Ben went to the picnic and mom buried the cat, the big cat.  Let her plant a seed in Ben.  She remembers when mom used to go up in the attic for some reason.  Or that mom used to place something over the attic access in order to hide it.  Little details that mean nothing at the time but will pay big dividends at the end. And Mom should show some homicidal tendencies, something--or else Sam was Satan's spawn and had to be put down.  I too doubt that a six year old would not recognize the family car.  

And of course tighten all the scenes.  Skip the entry greeting, the whole scene.  Jump in late and get out early.

Best
Richard
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SAC
Posted: February 20th, 2017, 7:52am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Thanks Richard. Good notes. So many peeps have mentioned about how it's unbelievable that Jack wouldn't recognize the car in the beginning, and I tried to convey how the sun was in his eyes but it looks like I missed the mark there. Will think it over. Thanks again.

Steve


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Marcela
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve,
I had to read this twice to make sense of the story, I guess there's quite many characters for a short script.
On page 2 I loved how 'The SWING silently sways in the breeze'. Such lovely little details paint the atmosphere really well.
Little typo on page 4 - REALTY sigh should be SIGN

Like somebody already suggested, Jack being violent to his wife may be a step too far. I mean if any twat ever pulled my hair, I would report him! On the other hand, the script is about a dark side of a family, so we can assume that they are all somehow damaged and a little bit of physical violence may be a part of their daily routine.
The ending is a little unclear for me. Who murdered Samuel? My best guess is that the mother left the boys' father and found herself a new man. Together, for some reason, they got rid of Samuel.
Or was the murderer just the mother herself?
Either way, I like the script. It shows the raw reality, the shit that happens in families, and nicely breaks the 'family is everything' cliche.


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Marcela
Posted: February 28th, 2017, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Forgot to mention that I really like the title of the script!!!


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SAC
Posted: February 28th, 2017, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Marcela,

Thanks for the read. Yes, it was indeed the mother who did the deed, as evidenced by the photo at the end scene with the green sedan. However, i do agree about that violent scene and don't think it's necessary. Will take another look at it.

There's five characters here. Maybe a lot, but this is on the longer side so I figured I could get away with it.

Steve


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JakeJon
Posted: March 1st, 2017, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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S,
Been away for a while and am a bit "out of sorts".   Weigh my comments accordingly.  Nicely written.  Great pace.  Really flowed smoothly for me.

Unlike some of the other readers, I thought that that Jack's, hair yanking,nose scraping, head jerking  actions delivered to his "Btchng" wife was the pinnacle of the script.  A GREAT SCENE!!  From Trish's polite exit, the silence, the finger drumming, the stares, Jack's approach, Debbie's white faced opened mouth, etc.  Right up to " And quit smoking.  Fucking stinks."
The entire Dining Room scene was awesome. Wow!

Now I flip the coin.  So Jack and Sam both being six years old, were twins?? or Step Brothers?

We finally see the Green Sedan again in the photo, last scene, and the mystery is solved.  Mom kidnapped her 6 year old son, Samuel, killed him and buried him in the backyard instead of the cat?  Why not Jack?  I mean, they're twins, right?  Maybe Sam was the Bad Twin?  Okay, being too glib!

The writing was TOO SPECIAL for me not to be fed more info. re: Mom's motive.   The hook, twist or solved mystery took precedence over the "Why".  A missed opportunity, I think.

Perhaps Debbie offers a hint to Mom's, long ago, issue's with Samuel at the Dining Room scene?

Oh,
Not sure you need:

INSERT:  TRUNK CONTENTS

on pg. 15.

Anyway,  Great Stuff!

JJ









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SAC
Posted: March 2nd, 2017, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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JJ,

Thanks for the notes! Glad someone finally liked the dining room scene, which served two purposes - one was to give some info on Mom, highlighting that she was indeed crazy and had some issues, therefore making it plausible that she killed her son. Two, showing Jack - who's an otherwise quiet, timid guy - to have a violent streak that just bursts out of nowhere. Again, another reference to Mom - It runs in the family.

Still might consider toning that scene down a tad. And I think you're right about giving a WHY. The hardest villain to pull of is one that is just plain crazy, with no real motive. But in this case I now believe it's warranted. Perhaps Mom suffers from a mental illness? I'll think on it.

Thanks again!

Steve


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stevemiles
Posted: March 4th, 2017, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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Steve,

The initial disappearance hooked me and the series of interactions/clues pulled me along to the point where I was seriously caught up in the mystery of what Jack would find while emptying Mom’s house.

Jack’s outburst towards Debbie comes from out of nowhere, but, I do like the suggestion that Jack has a little of Mom’s ‘issues’ in his own psyche.  

I would have to echo others in the logic being a little murky in places:

A suggestion for the grave issue - what if Houdini had died and Jack had tried to bury him (albeit unknowingly) in the same spot Sam was buried thus forcing Mom to take over?  How you work it into the dialogue I don’t know, but it could give her a reason to erect the grave marker after the murder and then hide the dead cat.    It’s a little tenuous to hide the cat in the attic, but it fits the tone and if Mom’s crazy enough to kill her own child then why not hide dead animals in the loft?  

I’d consider mentioning they had only the one cat.  It seemed a bit of a leap for Jack to dig up the grave on the strength of finding the one set of remains - especially if Mom had owned lots of cats over the years.

A couple of areas you could smooth over, but otherwise this is one that’s well worth pursuing.  A good slow burner that’ll stay with me.  Best of luck with it.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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