Survival First, Inc by Bruce Bangley - Short, Apocalypse, Comedy, Satire - With armageddon looming, two security professionals market a range of services to ensure everyone, no matter how liberal, gets a shot at survival in a post-apocalyptic world. 9 pages. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Logline - I like the abuse of a difficult situation, the satire element with liberals...well will see

Nice concept. I felt it went in a bit, but all the same I like the difference.

Unlikely to be my fav but a fair entry

Not bad, but, it didn't do anything.  It was a big commercial, well, infomercial and I just didn't get it.

Sorry, not for me.

Dan

Is Vic supposed to be Christy and Arnold's house?  I don't get it,,,if he's supposed to be on TV, don't you think you should have said that?

Is this whole thing supposed to be an infomercial?  If so, it's not even remotely correct the way it's written and presented.

Obviously a comedy, and there is some humor here, but I don't find it funny at all, nor do I find it entertaining.  It's a unique take and I appreciate that, but it's a 2 for me, sorry to say.

I went into reading it with a bias. Because i suspected it will read like a survival manual and shorts like that are not for me.
I don't find much story in them. But I know they appeal to some. Actually yours is not bad at all. It just kept loosing me just like every other short like this one.
Having said that - I can't single out a part but I'm thinking quite some thought went into this one and there were a lot of clever lines and such.
It's these type of stories are not my thing.  

I could envision Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi doing something like this on SNL way back in the day and it would have worked. Why? Because the SNL skits don't drag on for more than a couple minutes. I think if this was pared down, it would be entertaining and hold attention. It was a struggle to make the end at this length.

Worthy effort; scale it back to the good stuff.

It was alright actually, this.

It felt almost like they were in an episode of The Office, and then doing an awkward infomercial. Also Ray's gummi bear line absolutely killed, well done there.

Overall, it was pretty good. A few good laughs, not much in plot direction or actual things happening, but a good bit of fun back and forward.

Cam

I like it, but I think you needed to tighten up your delivery. It dragged, as previously stated, and a lot of your punchlines came off as awkward. Specifically, the part about living for tomorrow instead of today, you said "fishes mammals"--very awkward phrasing--the little pussy part, good times go south, and social media blog part. I apologize for my poor citations here, but I had written out this entire response and it disappeared on me so my second time writing this was a lot less enthusiastic.

You have a clear idea of who the characters are, and what the script is about, but you just had a couple missteps in delivery.

Dave F

A few words need hyphens.

Quoted Text RICKY And the fishes mammals.

Huh???

The only Trudeau I've (barely) heard of is Canadian PM Justin Trudeau.

Quoted Text LILY I’m eight, I didn’t ask for any of this.

I'm not sure an 8-year-old would say this line. 18 maybe.

I didn't know "spatter" was a word; thought it was a typo for "splatter."

"MAY, 27" looks more like a date than a name and age.

You're missing a period.

"Headlong" can be one word.

Quoted Text RICKY Now[,] that wasn’t the secret knock.

If you're using the word "like" the way they do in Clueless, you need to, like, offset it with, like, commas or what-eveeerrrrr.



Global warming? Skeptical? *facepalm* Conservatives.  ;D

I think you wasted too much space on the last page.

It was an interesting concept -- I doubt it'll be my top favorite, but a fair effort nonetheless.

I thought this was an interesting take on the the challenge and I quite enjoyed the change of pace.

But I think it could e tightened and page length reducing somewhat.

The humuor was a little hit or miss, but I've got a tin ear for comedy so that's probably just me!

Decent and inventive effort.

Read like a comedy sketch rather than a short story but I found it entertaining enough. The commercial played out exactly like an OTT American advertisement and was a worthy parody.

This isn't going to be one of my favorites simply because I prefer stories to sketches, but it is a very good effort and creative.

-Mark

like the idea, but the "no matter how liberal" part of the logline scares me.

decent effort.  lonnnnnng commercial, and yeah this is more of a sketch than a short, but it's not the worst idea.  i don't really have many notes clearly.  shoulda been shorter, coulda been funnier.  not the worst.

A much different approach to the challenge rather than the straightforward takes that everyone has submitted for the most part, so this is definitely a refreshing change of pace, even though it is just a long infomercial (how expensive would it be to air this?).

It's fun and an easy read, more like one of those filmed SNL skits, and that's not a knock.

Good job here,
Gary

Writer,

Sorry, but I'm out at page six. I just couldn't figure out where I was, what was happening or anything. I know there was some kind of commercial going on, but then it cuts to the house, back to commercial, then somewhere else. Oh, and all those supers. Not quite sure where this was going and I suppose I'll never know now, but the execution could've been a lot clearer. I can't get into a story when it's this muddled. Sorry again, and good effort.

Steve

Not a bad entry, it's something that could be filmed easily and would work as a one off joke- skit of some kind. Is there a story? No. Is it amusing? a little. I was, however, getting a bit concerned with talking heads and characters who sound alike in name (Vic and Ricky, Ray and May)

I like! I think it could use a smaller page count and I think that can come from focusing in on the central premise, which is selling conservative-minded millenarianism to liberals, which is a great basis for a sketch.

My suggestion would be to take out anything that doesn't deal directly with that premise, and then go a little harder on the liberals! The whole thing could use a little more snark, in my opinion.

But it's funny. Just needs to be cut down to its best bits.

Title isn't centered

Well, I think to understand the concept and indeed believe it could work on its satiric, exaggerated level. Although, as is, the script doesn't fully deliver yet. Probably, the content could be shorter presented, with fewer characters, and more to the point. I personally see it in the short clip world, reduced to three or four punch lines, clever aimed at this hysteric end of world industry, and out. Nonetheless, solid stuff. Good concept.  

Okay, I like the log line. I mean, they’re even gonna let LIBERALS live?

In the first three pages I'm struggling to figure out where we're actually supposed to be. It's a bit confusing. Not sure what to suggest. Maybe we could be watching TV and then this commercial comes on. Then we go into the commercial? Not sure.

Laughed out loud at the Gummi Bears line.

An infomercial? Maybe a comedy sketch. Not sure it qualifies as a short in terms of, like, story, character development, thesis . . .

On another note . . . I'm seeing a number of "Title isn't centered" comments. If folks feel this is the case, could they clarify whether they mean horizontally or vertically? No, I didn't write this. Just curious because, apparently, these non-centered titles are supposed to be a problem.

Cute title. Decent logline.

The writing was good on this but the damn commercial VOs went on so long I wanted to take a shotgun and kill those guys. :) Sorry.

I laughed a couple times. It was not lol funny though.

I didn't really warm up to any characters in this.

What I did like was the original take on it...something different has a good feel. Kudos for that.

One big long infomercial with the use of the "pussy" word being thrown in for good measure

Not bad and at least you tried something different. It just kinda dragged on though and not really funny but that's my opinion.

Good job on entering

I liked this one a lot. It was exactly what it wanted to be and I laughed enough to justify the fact that it was just a skit. Could it be shorter? Sure, but it's a minor quibble. The only thing I'd look to is telling a story within the commercial. You abandon the first family and switch to another. Would've been better to keep it to just one needy family for consistencies sake. But again, seems like a minor quibble.

Survival First, Inc - Apocalypse, Comedy, Satire - With armageddon looming, two security professionals market a range of services to ensure everyone, no matter how liberal, gets a shot at survival in a post-apocalyptic world.  

Rating: 3
Thoughts: Okay, this one's kind of clever. Any idea that's either original or clever gets a high vote from me.


TITLE: Survival First Inc.

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 2

Ending - 4

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 3

Total: 2.8

Thanks to all for reading and the notes - I hear you on the trimming, less is more with an idea like this.  I’ve a current draft at 7 pages, maybe less when said and done.

As to the humour I accepted it would be a hit or miss - not for everyone and that’s fair enough.  I saw it as more of cynical skit than laugh out loud.  It’s loosely based around a piece in the New Yorker about doomsday prepping for the wealthy.  There’s a growing industry in repurposing old military Cold War bunkers into million dollar luxury survival complexes (replete with armed guards) in case society collapses or nuclear war breaks out.  In some respects it’s not a million miles from the truth.

The formatting seems to have thrown a few people.  The idea was that it plays just as a tacky infomercial would - not seeing it on a T.V. - just characters within a scene breaking the fourth-wall to deliver their sales pitch.  Any thoughts/suggestions on how to tidy that up appreciated.  That or pointers towards scripts that deal with a similar formatting/subject..?

Thanks again for taking a look.