White Faces by Robert Katoggo - Thriller - When an albino boy Benjamin escapes the harsh life he goes through because of his nature, he falls into the hands of a man who slaughters and sells albinos body parts and organs.  72 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Read the first few pages and will not continue. Far too many grammatical errors in both actions and dialogue that leaves the reader very confused.

Example:

Quoted Text EXT. SLUM SIDE - AFTER NOON Commotion rises as each of many teen aged street children proclaim his support between the two fellows who are fighting. Walking on a slow pace, Benjamin stands by their side in a short distance. One of them spots him.

The logline intrigued me and I was into it for the first 7pages, but then the grammatical errors also started bothering me, but I continued reading until the end; skimming through most of the middle part.  


Some of the dialogue idioms confused me. For example: But stick on your mind anyway (Anna, Page 24). There were a few other pieces of dialogue like this.

I  liked the relationship between Benjamin and Manjeri. It reminded me a bit of the relationship between the kids in Slumdog Millionaire.

The message at the end (The VO message from Benjamin) felt more like something out of a public service announcement than something that belongs in a thriller.

Also, its a bit odd how Benjamin delivers the news on Page 55. I don't know what tone he's saying it in, so I'm unsure how to feel when that news is delivered.

As far as story structure and plot points, i think it works for the most part, but it does feel unbalanced in some parts.