A Working Girl - Print Topic

A Working Girl by Anthony Brooks - Drama - A strong independent young woman wants to have her own business someday, but do to other circumstances, shed pulled away from that life and is forced to join the exotic entertainment industry to help her family stay together. 97 pages

contest: Freeway Screenwriter contest Hollywood - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Anthony: This is not near ready:

Quoted Text

WE OPEN, TO A CROWD OF STUDENTS SITTING OUTSIDE ON WHITE
CHAIRS IN THE GRASS. A YOUNG LADY (18 YEARS), BY THE NAME OF
MONICA JOHNSON, WALKS ACROSS THE STAGE TO EXCEPT HER DIPLOMA.
MONICA RECEIVES HER DIPLOMA FROM A OLD WHITE MAN WITH A BOLD
HEAD WAITING TO SHAKE HER HAND AND TO CONGRATULATE HER ON A
JOB WELL DONE. MONICA STANDS THERE WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE
AND WAVES TO THE CROWED AS SHE AND HER PARENTS MR. AND MRS
JOHNSON APPLAUD HER. SHE CAREFULLY WALKS OFF STAGE OVER TO
HER PARENTS SIDE, SO PROUD AND HAPPY THAT SHE FINALLY MADE
IT.

Never open like this. Delete it and write the actual scene. I promise you, no one will get by this first block.

Quoted Text

EXT. GRADUATION DAY - HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING

Monica stands by her parents so happy to have graduated and
ready to start her plans for college.

The scene heading is wrong - Graduation Day is not a location.

CAP and describe your characters when first introduced.

Quoted Text

MRS. JOHNSON
Oh, baby we're so proud of you.
Have you figured out what you're
gonna do after all this?

MONICA
Yes, I did mom. I'm so happy you
ask me that, because I got it all
figured out. I want to go to
college and study business because
I want to have my own someday.

Mr. Johnson looks at her with a strange look on his face.

MR. JOHNSON
Oh, wow that's great honey but, I
don't think we can afford to send
you to college right now.

The dialogue is dreadfully on the nose/unnatural. It's her graduation and her and her parents have never had a conversation before about what she's going to do after High School?????

Need work, friend. [quote][/quote]