In His House by Cary GiBax - Short, Drama - After a Priest discovers gaming dice, an Altar Boy tries to show him and his fellow priests that role-playing isn't evil. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Personally I would have preferred if you kept the titles in the character lines. Also Bob's dialogue just didn't ring true for me. Is this supposed to be a comedy?

Hi,

I think I know what you were going for, I think.

The dialogue is off. Grown men wouldn't talk like this.

Not for me, sorry

Awkward dialogue, reads more like a scene than a story. Doesn't really work for me but you met all the criteria.

-Mark

I found this really good up until the ending. Not everybody knows what d and d is I believe, had to google it myself. Also there's a final punch missing.

Still, this is a very good concept.

@ Needs a better title fitting the role-game concept... very important here

Another one that went over my head and I'm starting to think it's me and something is wrong with my understanding.
It was hard to read their dialog - I wish you kept the character lines as FATHER ZACK FATHER STAN.
And they are playing with the kids?
Also, all four characters sound the same to me.

I don't understand the dice game, not just here, in every other entry. I think that's why I don't get them.

OK, I know who wrote this and I'm going to try and be nice.

Dialogue is very poor and unrealistic.

There is zero story and plot here.

Characters change names throughout - stick with 1 and never stray from it.

Not for me.

1/2

An extremely crappy infomercial for dungeons and dragons. Should we play this weekly? No effing chance!

An interesting idea but the execution isn't there. The dialogue needs a lot of work as has been mentioned. I think you really need more space for this story. Have this curmudgeon Father Stan slowly get into the game and start to love it. His D&D character can end up being an extension of himself, who he really wants to be, something like that. Do you watch Community? There's a great D&D episode.

We found Stan!

Although I've never played D&D, I understood what was going on here. It just didn't work for me. The ending was just so "Gee Whiz".

yeah, not exactly in my wheelhouse.  I know about D&D and how it's played, but that doesn't make it interesting to me to hear (or read) a snippet of one of the adventures.  I'm guessing the story is about how D&D isn't really bad and that religious leaders could empathize with those who play it by playing it themselves.  But to me, that's not much of a story to just see them playing the game.  This would need to be part of a much longer story to get into all that.  The dialogue needs some work here as well, for sure.

Best of luck,
Gary

Writer,

Didn't really get this, and I'm not quite sure if the game you mention is even a real game. I'm out of the loop. Anyway, this just didn't work for me as a drama or a story, as well as the name ALTAR BOY BOB - seemed funny to me.

Steve

Not a D&D fan myself, but this could have been interesting, if I had understood the revelation the priests had while playing the game.

I guess you have to know about role playing games to understand this.

The idea of it was good, but it's amiss. Kind of feels blah somehow.

Sandra

I didn't get this one at all. Maybe because I'm old? I had absolutely no clue what went on. At first I thought it would have something to do with current events. Mob, protesters...

As far as I could tell, there wasn't much of a story here. I'm really sorry if I'm too dense to appreciate your effort here.  :)

It seemed unfocused to me.  The dialog was okay, but, far from great.

No one seemed different.  They were generic stock characters.  

Perhaps cut a character or 3 and make it simpler.

This didn't work for me.

Dan

Could've been a neat little script but the dialogue was so unrealistic for priests and altar boys - unless you meant to have the genre as comedy rather drama.

There's not enough here to get a handle on. It's written as if we're all in the know about this game; you can't assume everyone will understand the reference to "d and d." Frankly, I don't see a story here.

P.S. The name Altar Boy Bob made me laugh, which I'm sure was not the intent.

You had a good theme, comparing dungeons and dragons with life and the chances involved in our daily decisions and their consequences. Interesting shot at it.

The only problem was nothing felt like it matched up. The dialogue had no personality, the characters names all had the same short pop to them making it like there was no difference between them.

Would be a fine commercial for D and D, but it just seemed like this theme didn't belong in this story. Also, an altar boy straight out throwing child molestation in his pastors face over his opinion on D and D might be the most outlandish thing I've read in a while.

A script of nothingness. Seems pointless.

The opening of just throwing so many characters at a reader is a bit of a turn off.

I would consider him finding the dice at the beginning maybe where some kids had just left instead of saying everything in dialogue. Show us him suspect of a kid or a church member for gambling.

Ok I do like the concept a little of someone convincing the Fathers to try something they think is evil but I'm not sure this delivers.

First you have a problem.. the father finds dice...thinks someone in his church is gambling. That part is good. Sets up for conflict. But then you make it too easy. Why not have him judge the one he thinks is gambling and after he does ... we find out that it wasn't a church member at all but one of his other priests. With something this short you need a problem...an obstacle add some conflict... and then a twist ending... that seems to work best even though I did not manage to pull it over either. :)

Good story just needs some work... gotta good concept in there though. Gambling in a church. :) Irony.

Good job.

Doesn't work as written. The irony of the situation is missing.  If there was a parellel piece of reality that could be related to the game, I could buy into that.
A reviewer mentioned dumping one of the Characters. Amen. Cut Drew.

What I thought was okay was Alter Boy Bob laying down the rules of D&D. Taking control over something the priests know nothing about. And then the Fathers getting hooked on the game.

I thought Bob set up the whole thing. His dice, his rules.  Well, D&D rules. Still not enough. Smells like a comedy buries in this script. Hmm.