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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  In His House - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In His House by Cary GiBax - Short, Drama - After a Priest discovers gaming dice, an Altar Boy tries to show him and his fellow priests that role-playing isn't evil. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Personally I would have preferred if you kept the titles in the character lines. Also Bob's dialogue just didn't ring true for me. Is this supposed to be a comedy?


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I think I know what you were going for, I think.

The dialogue is off. Grown men wouldn't talk like this.

Not for me, sorry


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:36am Report to Moderator
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Awkward dialogue, reads more like a scene than a story. Doesn't really work for me but you met all the criteria.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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I found this really good up until the ending. Not everybody knows what d and d is I believe, had to google it myself. Also there's a final punch missing.

Still, this is a very good concept.

@ Needs a better title fitting the role-game concept... very important here



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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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Another one that went over my head and I'm starting to think it's me and something is wrong with my understanding.
It was hard to read their dialog - I wish you kept the character lines as FATHER ZACK FATHER STAN.
And they are playing with the kids?
Also, all four characters sound the same to me.

I don't understand the dice game, not just here, in every other entry. I think that's why I don't get them.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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OK, I know who wrote this and I'm going to try and be nice.

Dialogue is very poor and unrealistic.

There is zero story and plot here.

Characters change names throughout - stick with 1 and never stray from it.

Not for me.

1/2


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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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An extremely crappy infomercial for dungeons and dragons. Should we play this weekly? No effing chance!


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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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An interesting idea but the execution isn't there. The dialogue needs a lot of work as has been mentioned. I think you really need more space for this story. Have this curmudgeon Father Stan slowly get into the game and start to love it. His D&D character can end up being an extension of himself, who he really wants to be, something like that. Do you watch Community? There's a great D&D episode.


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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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We found Stan!

Although I've never played D&D, I understood what was going on here. It just didn't work for me. The ending was just so "Gee Whiz".
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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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yeah, not exactly in my wheelhouse.  I know about D&D and how it's played, but that doesn't make it interesting to me to hear (or read) a snippet of one of the adventures.  I'm guessing the story is about how D&D isn't really bad and that religious leaders could empathize with those who play it by playing it themselves.  But to me, that's not much of a story to just see them playing the game.  This would need to be part of a much longer story to get into all that.  The dialogue needs some work here as well, for sure.

Best of luck,
Gary


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StevenClark
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Didn't really get this, and I'm not quite sure if the game you mention is even a real game. I'm out of the loop. Anyway, this just didn't work for me as a drama or a story, as well as the name ALTAR BOY BOB - seemed funny to me.

Steve


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ajr
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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Not a D&D fan myself, but this could have been interesting, if I had understood the revelation the priests had while playing the game.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I guess you have to know about role playing games to understand this.

The idea of it was good, but it's amiss. Kind of feels blah somehow.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Angry Bear
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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I didn't get this one at all. Maybe because I'm old? I had absolutely no clue what went on. At first I thought it would have something to do with current events. Mob, protesters...

As far as I could tell, there wasn't much of a story here. I'm really sorry if I'm too dense to appreciate your effort here.  


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