Snuff by Jordan Breeding - Thriller - Three high school boys agree to produce a fake “snuff” film as a way to help fund their indie sci-fi movie, but a horrible, onset accident turns their fake film into something very, very real. 127 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Gotta set the tone early on. I read this logline and it grabbed my interest but I feel like you need to set the tone early on some how and then intro your characters in this. Only read five pages... I still love the concept.

Some problems out of the shoot.

Quoted Text VIRGINIA, PRESENT DAY

What this? If you meant it to be a SUPER - it comes after some description and don't think you need present day - it 's assumed. So - should be something like:

EXT. WOODS - AFTERNOON

Massive, gorgeous oak trees stretch endlessly in every
direction, fading away into the misty air. They tower into
the air, their leaves swallowing up the sky.

SUPER: VIRGINIA (Might as also indicate where)

You fail to introduce Aaron and Chuck as characters before they speak. A basic error.

Quoted Text AARON (offscreen) What the stripey tiger tits are you

Should be:

AARON (O.S)
What the stripey tiger tits are you
doing over there?

Lose all the camera directions and Cut to

Throughout - you can lose the "is" and save space. Here is an example:

Quoted Text CHUCK is an overweight, pudgy freshman in his early teens. with long hair perpetually in his face.

Better is:

CHUCK, pudgy, early teens. with long hair perpetually in his face.

This from page 1 - so you have a lot of clean up to do I am guessing.