The Hand of God by Paul Knauer - Thriller - A modern continuation of the Cain and Abel story. A murderer, sentenced to life on earth by God, is given a chance at redemption and the death he longs for, when God reunites him with his brother.  109 pages  - pdf format

production: semi-contained thriller featuring a small cast and minimal locations. The main setting is a family farm.

contest: This script has not been contest tested, however, it is ranked #3 overall (out of over 500 scripts) and #2 for dramas, on a peer-review site.

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Paul:

Read the first ten. Overall, I quite like your style. It's engaging.

It dragged a little bit getting from the stream to the Hayloft. I think because of passages like this:

Quoted Text An ember glows orange in a nest of tinder. Levi breathes life into it, gently blowing until it ignites into a small fire. He sets the lit bundle inside a ring of stones and quickly feeds it twigs and branches. Before long, he has a nice campfire. He grabs a decent-sized, flat rock and a can of beans. Levi turns the can upside down and vigorously rubs the top of the can against the flat surface of the rock, slowly grinding down the rim. Eventually, liquid from the can bubbles from the edges of the rim. Leveraging the screwdriver, he plies the top open and, using his fingers, scarfs the beans.

Beautifully written but not needed. IMO - stuff like this needs condensing. He's starting a fire and eating a can of beans. Should take about two or three lines at the most. I think it is only best to go this elaborate when you are building tension withing the scene. e.g., if there was something menacing in the woods stalking around him - I get it - tease the scene to build tension. But this is just  a place on the way to the loft. Short and sweet I think is better.

I would lose the automatic character (cont'ds) - they're disruptive to the read.

Nice style, dude. You're  a solid writer.

If I can ask - what peer review site are you referring to?

All, I know Paul from the other site (Talentville) and I can attest from reading several of his scripts that he is the real deal when it comes to writing.  I encouraged him to put his work on this site because he would definitely get more eyeballs on his work, which he deserves.  I know he's going to put some other works up in time, and would encourage everyone to give him a read. You won't be disappointed!

Paul, I'll give this one a read soon.


Gary

Dave,

Just got my login, so I'm finally able to respond. Sorry for the delay.

Thanks for the input, I appreciate it... and definitely agree. I set this script aside for a year and just came back to it. On my first read through after the layoff, that's what stood out to me too. Your input definitely confirms it for me.

Of all the scripts I've written, this is the most "poetic." Every script I write, I kind of give myself an area of focus, and on this one, I wanted to concentrate on trying to write more visually. As such, I put special emphasis on trying to start each scene with its own visual. In the case you cited: An ember glows orange in a nest of tinder. The hope was that it would provide a "visual flow" for the reader... helping them "see" the movie, not just the page.

It was an interesting exercise, and really put a different spin on the script. Whether it made it stronger... well, I'll have to see how more people react to it!

Anyway, thanks for checking it out. Let me know if you've got a project you'd like eyes on. I'm happy to return the favor!

As Hawkeye confirmed, the peer-review site is Talentville. (I left the name out in an effort to respect Simplyscripts... not wanting to promote a different site on this one.)

And, to Hawkeye... thanks for the props. Send me some scripts, man. I'm ready to read.

Quoted from PKCardinal Dave, Just got my login, so I'm finally able to respond. Sorry for the delay. Thanks for the input, I appreciate it... and definitely agree. I set this script aside for a year and just came back to it. On my first read through after the layoff, that's what stood out to me too. Your input definitely confirms it for me. Of all the scripts I've written, this is the most "poetic." Every script I write, I kind of give myself an area of focus, and on this one, I wanted to concentrate on trying to write more visually. As such, I put special emphasis on trying to start each scene with its own visual. In the case you cited: An ember glows orange in a nest of tinder. The hope was that it would provide a "visual flow" for the reader... helping them "see" the movie, not just the page. It was an interesting exercise, and really put a different spin on the script. Whether it made it stronger... well, I'll have to see how more people react to it! Anyway, thanks for checking it out. Let me know if you've got a project you'd like eyes on. I'm happy to return the favor! As Hawkeye confirmed, the peer-review site is Talentville. (I left the name out in an effort to respect Simplyscripts... not wanting to promote a different site on this one.) And, to Hawkeye... thanks for the props. Send me some scripts, man. I'm ready to read.

No problem, mate - welcome to the site. You'll find it a good one.

Hi PK,

Read the first 10.

Pg 1

Quoted Text We’ll call him LEVI for now.

This is a bit awkward. What are we going to call him later? I think you should just intro MAN as LEVI and cut out this line.

Quoted Text He casually splashes a little water on his face, takes a sip.

All while travelling in rushing water?

Quoted Text Looking around, Levi spies a fist-sized stone alone on the muddy bank. He grabs the chair and slowly drags it to the water’s edge. It’s heavy and the process is painful.

I'm a little confused about when we went from rushing down the stream to him dragging the chair out of it.

Pg 2

Quoted Text He’ll try to hit the lock at an angle, a risky maneuver.

Don’t tell us what he'll try and do, just tell us what he does. It’s a script; your job is to set the scene.

I'd recommend turning off the character CONT'D's in your software.

Pg 3

Quoted Text The wolf lunges. Not into the stream, but closer, focusing less on the water and more on Levi with each passing second.

Very unclear what you’re going for here.

Quoted Text If Levi felt desperation before, it’s reached a new level.

Quoted Text He only has one choice. It’s not a good one.

Quoted Text a fact that hasn’t gone unnoticed by his four-legged friend

I really don’t mind the odd unfilmable or aside but here you have 3 in less than half a page. I think they should be used sparingly and only if they add something to the script. I don’t personally think these are necessary.

Pg 4

Quoted Text Screaming, snarling, wrestling, biting.

All very passive.

Quoted Text places the final stone on the wolf’s grave

A bit of an odd gesture considering what just happened.

The is a lot of passive writing throughout.

Pg 5

Quoted Text scarfs the beans.

scoffs the beans.

Pg 6

Quoted Text Aside from the hay in the loft and the chickens, there’s no real evidence that the farm is active.

I'd think the fact that there were chickens was evidence enough.

Quoted Text It’s a lot for the critter to take in, and the tiny criminal clearly isn’t concerned with making an effort to understand.

Just too much of this, I haven’t highlighted all of them, but at this point we are maybe talking about 10 lines of wasted space and I'm only on page 6. If this continues throughout the script it could easily turn into pages of unfilmable content that adds nothing to your story.

Pg 7

Quoted Text Everyone knows it’s an empty threat.

Again, at the top of the next page. How does everyone know that? Other than the fact you just told us, and this won’t be filmable.

Not sure of the relevance of that scene with the rabbit. Yes it introduces Jordan but there’s no real tension or apparent purpose. Stuff just happens.

Pg 8

Quoted Text In one quick motion he grabs its head and swings the chicken in a large circle, like a softball pitcher throws a fastball. The chicken is killed instantly.

I don’t think we need this visual.

The logline is great and definitely draws you to the script. Although the initial drama with the stream and wolf is good, I would have like to have something ten pages in to pull me further into the read, that’s not really the case. Maybe that comes shortly after, I don’t know.

For the most part the writing is very good, has a nice flow to it.

I do think you need to get rid of a lot of those asides and unfilmables, especially since you made the comment about trying to write more visually. Visually they add absolutely nothing.

I’d also suggest trying to clean up all the passive writing.

Not a bad effort.

All the best with it.

Thanks for the notes Warren! Wish I would have noticed them sooner. Got so caught up in the contest and subsequent recovery that I hadn't looked in here for awhile.

I'm in the process of putting the polish on my latest thriller. Once that's complete, I plan on circling back to clean this script up... especially the first 10.

The story does pick up, but that won't matter if I can't get you past the first 10.

Again, thanks for the feedback. It'll be a big help when I circle back.

PK

Hi PK, sorry but the opening here, as is written was just really confusing ... might be me, but this guy was splashing water on his face, but his arms were strapped to the chair?? And then the wolf was pacing the far bank, and then Levi turned the chair over and the wolf was snapping at his ankle ... I might be missing something but this didn't weigh up right for me in the early stages ...

Don't apologize there, Forgive. If you weren't following, that's my fault, not yours.

For the record, only one arm remains strapped to the chair. He's splashing his face using the other. He turns the chair over because he needs to free his remaining arm, in order to deal with the wolf. (He needs the lock to rest against something while he strikes it with the rock.) As for the placement of the wolf, he's on the far bank, but by flipping the chair, Levi moves close enough for the wolf to reach his feet. (It's a stream, not a river, so it's neither wide, nor deep.)

I've struggled with the description in this section... looks like it still needs work. There won't be any confusion for the audience, as they'll see it all play out logically. However, no audience will ever see it, if I can't get a reader through the first 10.

Thanks for the feedback!

Hey PK, it was definitely me, a re-read pins that. So I did the first 10, and others have made good points, so I won't labour those too much ...

Bottom pg2 'It steps Levi's' missing an 'in'. And maybe for clarification, the wolf could pace the bank feet away?

Top of pg3 'The wolf lunges closer ... Levi fumbles with the lock', but as said, this has been address by other posters, but I don't think you lose much by writing less there.

Pg7 maybe have a POV, or in the distance for Jordan?

Not sure about the scene with Jordan; this is the 'Meet Jordan' moment so we'd learn something about her character, this seems a bit meh and I think it stands out as being so as it's the only scene for what's effectively a whole day. I think there's a risk of contrary characteristics in such a short character sketch - you make reference to her independence and strength of gait but she won't shoot a bunny? Maybe just blast a shot an inch away or something that's more in keeping with what you've indicated.

I think you could take out that first Jordan scene, the coop scene gives the pen picture of Jordan that we need, imo, showing some of the problems she's facing and doing so while Levi is in there adds a nice bit of tension and it's something he'd naturally do if he was hungry ... but shaping up nicely overall I think?

Thanks, Forgive.

Excellent thoughts.

I do build a bit off the bunny scene later, so I'd have to think about how deleting it would effect later changes. But, I do see what you're talking about. It's worth exploring for sure.

Not to get too artsy, but, the entire script builds off of religious themes in different ways. One of the layers is that each character gets a chance to play God at least once in the script. Jordan's treatment of the bunny is one of her opportunities to be God. Does it live or die? Her treatment of the bunny represents a model for Levi's eventual shot at redemption. (Levi's early encounter with the wolf is another - Levi and God switch places. The wolf - Levi - won't quit attacking, so he's eventually dispatched. Levi as God doesn't want to kill the wolf, but when given no other choice, does. Basically, that's the theme for the entire script: God doesn't want to lose Levi, but if Levi doesn't change, God will have no choice but to let him go. The question is: will Levi ever figure that out?)

Thanks again for the notes. All the great feedback has me excited about circling back to this script very soon.

(Sorry for being so long winded. But, I enjoy talking about this script.)

PK

Oh, wow, that sounds kinda deep! That makes me want to read the script more now - so it's just a case of how do you get those ideas across early in the script so people really want to read it more - well, I'll take some time out to give this a better read, those are some heavy-weight themes ...

Thanks, Forgive. Now, if I could only have an in-depth conversation with every potential reader!!

Yeah, I gotta get it to the page...

Alright. Rewrite done.

What you see now is an updated version that smooths out the first 10 and includes a few minor revisions in later scenes.

It's better.

Probably won't rewrite anymore unless it gets picked up. Any further changes should be under the direction of producers, director, etc.

Thanks for everyone's help!

Quoted from PKCardinal Probably won't rewrite anymore unless it gets picked up. Any further changes should be under the direction of producers, director, etc.

Okay. I lied. I circled back for another rewrite. Haven't looked at this script for awhile, and then I woke up one morning with several fixes in my head for a few problems that I guess my brain's been working on. (I wish that happened more often!)

Mainly, I smoothed out the backstory with this rewrite.

I'm still not 100% happy with the pacing and feel of the early pages... it'll always be a slow burn that picks up speed dramatically in the 2nd half... but, I'd like it to read a little smoother in the early pages.

Anyway, I sent the updated script to Don, so it'll post any day.

I've updated the script. It came the same time that Paolo Sorrentino's E' Stata La Mano DiDio  was posted by Deadline

- Don

Quoted from Don I've updated the script. It came the same time that Paolo Sorrentino's E' Stata La Mano DiDio  was posted by Deadline - Don

;D I only just got that, Don.
Seems great minds think alike, PK.

I've always assumed the title would eventually have to change!