Independence Day by Call Me X - Short, Sci Fi - Monica may not know what she's running from yet, all she knows is that she's got to get away. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Title weirded me out. Instant Will Smith flashbacks.

Formatting doesn't look right with this one. Looks oddly spaced. Writing's mostly OK, but could be slightly trimmed, i.e.: A girl, MONICA BEDFORD, 19 could easily be MONICA (19) and no info would be lost. There are few random typos as well (his should be hiss, pg. 4)

There are a few weird bits in the prose, like Her black hair. Her olive skin. Fragments are fine by me, but I don't know why this is written like this. It's as if the wording is reversed or jumbled.

Story-wise, I didn't particularly see the point of this one.  Then again, there doesn't always need to be one. The writer does paint a very vivid dystopian sci-fi setting.

June's death was very brutal, and I'm not sure that I particularly grasped the meaning of that character. Does everyone who gets off die, or just the robots? Maybe I need to give this one another read.

I’m torn on this one. There is some over writing for the sake of it, but apart from that it’s pretty good

I really like the setup, it has a really great feel to it but I really didn’t get it in the end.

The robot got its independence?

INDEPENDENCE DAY
On page 1 ‘sets’ should be ‘seats’
Page 4 ‘his’ should be ‘hiss’
Overall good writing in this. I wanted to know more. I think the end falls flat unless I am missing something.
I LOVE the vape pen thing, I LOVE the AI lady, I love that the AI can’t go beyond the perimeter.
Lots of good things going here. I just feel the end needs work.

Apart from the talk of sci-fi-esque things.  If this was filmed, it would appear as normal civilians, or have I missed something?

The story's okay, I guess it meets the topic in a round about way.

Yeah not  the most original of titles. The writer was in control of his idea but it was sort of meandering for me.

Not sure how I felt about this one. The writing on display is deftly handled for sure, apart from a few typos, but the story just didn’t resonate with me. I think this would be better as part of a feature, where you can get into more of the layers of the story.

Best of luck,
Gary

Quite a few typos but an easy on the eye read.

A pretty simplistic story which held it's own for the 5 pages.
No over the top writing.

Good visuals and good characters

You spent too much time on things that don't matter, like character descriptions.  I've been told that the rule of thumb is, unless it's vital to the story, it doesn't matter what they wear.  

If they are punks, they need to be in punk outfits etc.  

Get to the story.  the over-writing is a bit off-putting.  

I wanted to know more about this world, and you ran out of time.

I agree with everyone else.  You have a good idea here.  If

SPOILERS
June knows she's gonna die, wouldn't she talk about it?  

Good job entering.  Just focus on the story and the quirks that make the "people" in the story.

Dan

Code A girl, MONICA BEDFORD, 19, stands outside the bus shelter. Her black hair. Her olive skin. Her thumbs hooked under the straps of her back pack, wearing shorts.

Good. But I still want more. Although a great description it reads clipped to me. Is she fat, skinny, pretty or ugly? I want to see who you see.

I Googled 'Blue Streak Bus' and can't find any images for it. Not blaming you, it's only a bus, could be fictional, I just wondered if it was a clue to a specific place in the world.

Code Monica glances around. The bus is nearly empty. She spies a wiry GUY in his twenties, a few sets back. The skin on his face leathery and taut.

Yeah, kinda losing it for me now.  I am finding it hard to picture taut, leathery skin.

Code JUNE Nuh uh. Hybrid. There's blood coursing through these veins, doll.

Reminds me of the Pig Woman's line from Electric Dreams. Almost word for word. Ew.

Code MONICA Well, you A.I.'s got that chip, right?

Ew.

Code JUNE That's right. We don't go-- MONICA Past the perimeter. I know.

Cringing.

Code An THUD and a POP is heard from outside.

Passive. Nonvisual. I know it's meant to be a sound effect, and you know what it is because you're writing it, but a thud and a pop do not suggest fireworks. I thought perhaps a tyre had blown.

No idea what happened at the end.


Writing: It started really well but then tapered off. 3

Story: 1

2

The writing is good -- spare, understated, and the story is poignant in its own way.
Henry

Independence Day

Short notes: Pretty soon I thought about the massive potential of a small budget robot-looking-like-people flick. Haven't seen a lot of those and this should be fun for actors to give it their all. I enjoyed the calm and slow plot, but didn't get a clear impression what the ending means. Is it just magnetism, Jane suffers from? Or a waste treatment program from this society to get the "half-robots" off the streets. I wasn't sure about the role of wiry guy and his device either. Anyway, there's been some fun to experience for me, nice atmosphere, and a cool vibe of another gray future, all accomplished in a minimalistic way - and I appreciate that fact.

story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 3

presentation (0-5): 3

total: 9

Dustin, I can't believe you missed the fact that "Her thumbs hooked under the straps of her back pack, wearing shorts" means that her thumbs are wearing shorts...

(0:

This was written well for the most part; issue for me was that the story was delivered 100% in exposition. I know some find them gimmicky but I would have rather have seen flashback / narrative than have the great war, the purge, hybrid AI, etc. delivered through dialogue.

Some good ideas in here but the ending confused me.

Well written but may benefit from a revision and potential expansion.

I had high expectations for something big that never came. Kinda disappointing and let down as there seemed to be a decent set-up. I wish there was more here. Some good writing and content that fizzled like a bad firework.

Maybe I'm just too out of it but I read it twice and still don't get it. They talk about the chip doesn't let June go past the perimeter. But she's on the bus driving past whatever the perimeter must be. Then when she gets off a magnet pulls her. So is the chip a giant magnet? Was that bus stop right past the perimeter?

I think you were going for some subtle, unspoken stuff under the surface of that conversation. But it's a little too subtle. If Monica knows June is driving out to kill herself I think she would say something about it, maybe just indirectly. She would at least react with sadness to June leaving.

Also, I have no idea what the point of the Wiry Guy was.

I think with a re-write you can get to something quite poignant. Probably just an issue of time.

This had some flaws and rough edges but was a quick read and was kinda charming.

The end was confusing. Not sure why the grandma cyborg had her face melted off or why she was hovering. That coulda all been cut. That said, I liked this. The history talk was kinda funny. Hell, most kids don't seem to know anything about the Revolutionary War these days as is.

Hey mate, love to know where you were going with this one?

Quoted from Warren Hey mate, love to know where you were going with this one?

Thanks all for reading and voting for my script.

To tell you the truth, I’m not really sure what this all meant. I guess Wiry Guy represents the bullshit Monica was leaving behind, with the AI being a guardian angel of sorts, pushing her on her way out. I didn’t have much idea what to do it where to go, and I wrote this in about an hour on deadline night, no rewrite. So if it seems disjointed, it is. Sci-fi of this kind is very hard for me, and I just tried to do it my own way. Wouldn’t be the first script I wrote where peeps didn’t know what was going on, but thought it was charming or poignant in a sense. So, I’m glad people felt that way. Other than that, it is what it is.

Steve