Untitled Short: A True Vomit Draft by 0 - Short, Comedy - A retiring janitor teaches his young replacement a valuable lesson. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Code A CONDUCTOR taps his baton on the music stand and the dark hall goes quiet as he raises his hand. A spotlight highlights: JAKE, male, 20s, a young janitor in a fresh new uniform, hand raised, ready to lead the nonexistent orchestra.

Slightly confusing. I take it Jake and the Conductor is the same person. Better would be to describe the sound effect and then move to Jake.


A cute tale but it lacks a certain punch.

Writing: 4.5
Story: 3

3.75

Not sure what to say about this one. The writing is actually pretty good, in my opinion (though what Dustin had mentioned is valid, as I had the same confusion), but I feel like it just exists, if that makes sense. Of course, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I didn't really feel rewarded after reading it. It felt more like a fragment of something as opposed to a snapshot that truly takes advantage of the short form.

Comedy is subjective, I know. I didn't find it funny, but that's neither here nor there.

The writing was good, the story was decent enough.

Writing - 4/5
Story - 3/5

Total - 3.5

Hmm, lots of good stuff said about this one. And the dialog is very good. It's got a lot of heart.

But I'd want something concrete. Like - what's the overall advice here from the older guy to Jake? And he tells Jake to remember it at the end. And remember row 4 - as if they talked about row four.

Anyway, good dialog. The story is a bit shallow for me.

They talk but they don't reveal much about themselves through dialog. The dialog is smart, but not to the point. and not extremely interesting as it doesn't let me in.

Still a pretty good entry. Cuz the dialog is way too smart, and it's got soul.

I liked this one a lot. Nothing over the top outrageous, but that's what I liked about it. The writer managed to make both characters three dimensional in the span of 5 pages, and had an extremely difficult assignment, and had a clever take on it. Kudos.

A well written story.  More on the drama side than comedy for me.

It's a nice angle on the topic though.

The opening confused me:

- The orchestra heard in an EXT location?
- ...The dark hall goes quiet as he raises his hand..... But when the lights come on. No ones there - so how did it go quiet?

Middle three pages were great. Loved the dialogue.

Ending left me - wanted it to deal somehow with the Janitor's love of music - why else open with him fake conducting??

Solid entry - especially for the limited time.

Definitely not a vomit draft. This writer has some skill.

Great little short.

Congrats, I think I would have bombed given these requirements.

Hmm interesting take. Like others noted, not really funny but very well written. The writer had his eye on the end result and brought him home. Comedy does need to be very funny to be successful however but nice work

Technically well written for sure. The interplay between the main characters was solid, just not a whole that leaves a lasting impression. Good execution given the tough assignment so a nice effort all around.

I thought this was very heartfelt and sincere.  I enjoyed it.  

And I did find some of the vomit stuff funny.  And the play on words for the title worked well.

I'll have to read the other one (obviously) but, IMO, this was pretty strong.

Can't add much more.

Dan

That was quite good. Quality dialogue. I'm about to get very nitpicky for a script written in two days, but... it felt a bit disconnected. The vomit is entertaining but it sorta feels like it's there just to steer this away from straight drama. I think you could use Jake's shadow conducting at the beginning as part of his character. Maybe he's an overeager dreamer who wants to be a conductor. Or, maybe he's just jealous/resentful of all these rich people who get music lessons.

Then, Marvin's parting wisdom can have a little more punch to it. He's not just doing a bit of reminiscing. He helps ground the new guy in reality. Something like dreams are great, but just in case fill your pockets as much as you can along the way.

Okay, this is pretty damn good as is. I'm probably too tired to be making sense anyways.

Well done!

Imaginative approach to the parameters. Well written. Thumbs up.
Henry

Didn't really like this one but appreciate the attempt the title's break of the 4th wall. No conflict = no story. Vomit gags get old fast when it's all you have. Wasn't sure while reading if this truly was a vomit draft or was edited and that threw me off a bit, probably.  

Didn't understand the opening scene, we're EXT but the Orchestra is outside tuning their instruments?

The character interplay was great though I didn't find it overly comedic, would have liked to see a little more and a stringer ending.

Was the orchestra playing the whole time or practicing? That was kinda weird.

It read clean and fluid but it really didn't do it for me, which is too bad. It's well written but I finished with a 'so what' kind of feeling.

Untitled Short: A True Vomit Draft

Short notes: lol. Hope this title is no understatement. p1 What up with the slugs there?? Where's Jake? So, Jake is the Conductor? Not enjoying to do this, but I must say I didn't get in touch with the text there is. Couldn't put in places, pictures, movement. If I'm wrong, which might be, don't consider the following, otherwise, if you want one advice, I'd say, think hard about the psychology of writing a text for someone who reads your words for the very first time. Turn the table and take their place. There's a lot, a gigantic field to experience, learn and internalize. I myself have lots and lots of work in front of me myself regarding that specific topic because I want to be much stronger than I am in this regard. The limit there is infinite. We couldn't spend enough time getting behind some of it. Hope not to discourage and actually that others went with it.

story (0-5): 1

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 1

total: 4

This script is mine. Thanks to everyone who commented.

The feedback is excellent. I don't know that I'll bother making any changes. Not sure. But, if I do, you've all given me great ideas for improvement.

Clearly I'd fix the open. The intention was to start with a clever way to show that Jake was screwing around instead of working. So, he's on the conductor stand. In his head, he's conducting. I let the audience hear it, just to further establish the setting. But, that didn't work.

And, I loved Zero's (and a few other's) advice about connecting the open to the close.

Anyway, had a bunch of fun. Can't wait for round 2. I'll try and put a bit more meat on the bone for the next round. I'll have to, if I want to survive!