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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Action/Adventure Scripts  /  The Irishman's Apprentice
Posted by: Don, May 13th, 2018, 9:16am
The Irishman's Apprentice by Gerald Goble - Action, Adventure - A phone call on New Years Day and Jack Wellington a recent graduate of Princeton is three days later in Thailand as an intern to a UN Attaché, Jimmy Morrissey, working under a UN Treaty to help recover, and protect cultural relics. Sent to recover a large Buddha washed away by the tsunami, Jack is in a world of criminals, assassins, Thai Boxers, smugglers, and drug lords to recover a ruby eye stolen from Buddha’s belly. The only instruction from the Irishman is “Read Shakespeare me boy.” 98 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: Gerasimos, July 14th, 2018, 4:59am; Reply: 1
Went through the first 16 pages or so, after that, couldn't do it.

Chars intro- formatting non-existant. Also don't use different names for the same person during the same dialogue sequense (first page, done twice).

Huge action blocks- break them down (2-3 liners or something).

Most action blocks use past tense. Use present.

There are some huge one way dialogue chunks in there. Feels unrealistic.

Many grammatical errors, punctuation etc.

I think the script needs a serious rewrite.
Posted by: Forgive, July 15th, 2018, 3:25pm; Reply: 2
Super cred on managing 16 pages, G, I'm out on two.
Posted by: Redfly, July 15th, 2018, 5:14pm; Reply: 3
This was kind of a tough read, and I admit that I couldn't get far.  I notice that you don't use "Fade in" to kick it off, but you use "Fade to" to cut to different scenes.  Just something I wanted to point out 'cause it was kinda bugging me...

That said, congrats on finishing your screenplay.  Study the craft a bit more, read screenplays, and do some rewrites.  A lot of writing involves rewriting :)
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