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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Irishman's Apprentice Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Irishman's Apprentice  (currently 473 views)
Don
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Irishman's Apprentice by Gerald Goble - Action, Adventure - A phone call on New Years Day and Jack Wellington a recent graduate of Princeton is three days later in Thailand as an intern to a UN Attaché, Jimmy Morrissey, working under a UN Treaty to help recover, and protect cultural relics. Sent to recover a large Buddha washed away by the tsunami, Jack is in a world of criminals, assassins, Thai Boxers, smugglers, and drug lords to recover a ruby eye stolen from Buddha’s belly. The only instruction from the Irishman is “Read Shakespeare me boy.” 98 pages - pdf format

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Gerasimos
Posted: July 14th, 2018, 4:59am Report to Moderator
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Went through the first 16 pages or so, after that, couldn't do it.

Chars intro- formatting non-existant. Also don't use different names for the same person during the same dialogue sequense (first page, done twice).

Huge action blocks- break them down (2-3 liners or something).

Most action blocks use past tense. Use present.

There are some huge one way dialogue chunks in there. Feels unrealistic.

Many grammatical errors, punctuation etc.

I think the script needs a serious rewrite.


Features:
KTT Part ONE - The Polar Cabal
ALEXANDER - RISE OF THE PALADIN
ARAGORN - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
A Soul's Plea For Help
Coincidence

My facebook script page

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Gerasimos  -  July 15th, 2018, 3:41pm
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Forgive
Posted: July 15th, 2018, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Super cred on managing 16 pages, G, I'm out on two.
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Redfly
Posted: July 15th, 2018, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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This was kind of a tough read, and I admit that I couldn't get far.  I notice that you don't use "Fade in" to kick it off, but you use "Fade to" to cut to different scenes.  Just something I wanted to point out 'cause it was kinda bugging me...

That said, congrats on finishing your screenplay.  Study the craft a bit more, read screenplays, and do some rewrites.  A lot of writing involves rewriting

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Redfly  -  July 15th, 2018, 6:06pm
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