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The Irishman's Apprentice (currently 473 views)
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 9:16am
So, what are you writing?
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The Irishman's Apprentice
by Gerald Goble - Action, Adventure - A phone call on New Years Day and Jack Wellington a recent graduate of Princeton is three days later in Thailand as an intern to a UN Attaché, Jimmy Morrissey, working under a UN Treaty to help recover, and protect cultural relics. Sent to recover a large Buddha washed away by the tsunami, Jack is in a world of criminals, assassins, Thai Boxers, smugglers, and drug lords to recover a ruby eye stolen from Buddha’s belly. The only instruction from the Irishman is “Read Shakespeare me boy.” 98 pages - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted: July 14th, 2018, 4:59am
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Went through the first 16 pages or so, after that, couldn't do it.
Chars intro- formatting non-existant. Also don't use different names for the same person during the same dialogue sequense (first page, done twice). Huge action blocks- break them down (2-3 liners or something). Most action blocks use past tense. Use present. There are some huge one way dialogue chunks in there. Feels unrealistic. Many grammatical errors, punctuation etc. I think the script needs a serious rewrite.
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Posted: July 15th, 2018, 3:25pm
Let The Sky Fall
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Super cred on managing 16 pages, G, I'm out on two.
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Posted: July 15th, 2018, 5:14pm
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This was kind of a tough read, and I admit that I couldn't get far. I notice that you don't use "Fade in" to kick it off, but you use "Fade to" to cut to different scenes. Just something I wanted to point out 'cause it was kinda bugging me...
That said, congrats on finishing your screenplay. Study the craft a bit more, read screenplays, and do some rewrites. A lot of writing involves rewriting
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