SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Thriller Scripts / The Employee
Posted by: Don, July 5th, 2018, 9:46am
The Employee by Charles Harding - Short, Thriller - A young man working at an internet company uncovers a dark secret that could change the world. 19 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: eldave1, July 5th, 2018, 11:06am; Reply: 1
Charles - lots of issues from the start.
This
Quoted Text
THE EMPLOYEE SHORT SCRIPT BY CHARLES HARDING
Does not belong on the first page - it should be on a title page.
Quoted Text
EXT. CREATE TECH COMPANY BUILDING DAY
Wrong format. Should be:
EXT. CREATE TECH COMPANY BUILDING - DAY
Quoted Text
A thirty story building with a distinct and monolithic look. It’s an architect’s wet dream. The building garners attention with its sharp design. The sun beams off its many freshly cleaned windows. Conservatively dressed people enter the premises evoking an astute professional manner.
A bit over written - you're kind of beating it to death.
Quoted Text
The company is a technological marvel. The front lobby is huge, with receptionists desks about twenty feet apart. Gold plated elevators taking people up and down. Walls full of pictures of lap tops and happy customers enjoying them
Okay - now you are inside the building - you need to add a new scene heading.