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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  The Employee
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  Author    The Employee  (currently 634 views)
Don
Posted: July 5th, 2018, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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The Employee by Charles Harding - Short, Thriller - A young man working at an internet company uncovers a dark secret that could change the world.  19 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: July 5th, 2018, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



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Charles - lots of issues from the start.

This


Quoted Text
THE EMPLOYEE SHORT SCRIPT BY CHARLES HARDING


Does not belong on the first page - it should be on a title page.


Quoted Text
EXT. CREATE TECH COMPANY BUILDING DAY


Wrong format. Should be:

EXT.  CREATE TECH COMPANY BUILDING - DAY


Quoted Text
A thirty story building with a distinct and monolithic look.
It’s an architect’s wet dream. The building garners attention
with its sharp design. The sun beams off its many freshly
cleaned windows. Conservatively dressed people enter the
premises evoking an astute professional manner.


A bit over written - you're kind of beating it to death.


Quoted Text
The company is a technological marvel. The front lobby is
huge, with receptionists desks about twenty feet apart. Gold
plated elevators taking people up and down. Walls full of
pictures of lap tops and happy customers enjoying them


Okay - now you are inside the building - you need to add a new scene heading.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
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