Hi Simon
I had to read this twice to know if I liked it or not, But I actually do like the story.
You haven't listed it as a comedy, but I think it is a comedic piece with a dark ending.
The writing could do with tidying as well as the dialogue, but this all comes with practice.
Quoted Text Abby stares hard at the car. Thinks for a long time. Seems
caught up in two minds. Does she stay or does she go. |
The above for example, you don't need to tell us what she is thinking "does she stay or go" - we can't film that. Trust that the audience can understand what a character is thinking by the way they act and what they say - Just tell us she is hesitant, maybe starts to walk to the car, stops, walks again - stuff like that
Quoted Text JOE
It’s on the other side of the
country but it’s my cousins and he
said we can’t live with him no
problem |
This was a little confusing - not sure if there is a typo in there - Why is he showing her a house they can't live in? what's the point?
I found the dialogue of Abby breaking up with Joe, and his rant to himself at the end, a little on the nose and stiff - not natural - again dialogue comes with practice
Personally, I don't think Joe needs to talk to himself at the end - Show him angry, he's snapped. he grabs a hammer and storms to the house - The audience will know he is up to no good, you don't need to tell us through dialogue.
Anyway, really difficult to tell a story in 3 pages - excellent job, I enjoyed it.
Good luck with it
Matt