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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Run Away With Me
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  Author    Run Away With Me  (currently 170 views)
Don
Posted: November 24th, 2018, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Run Away With Me by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A young boy in love turns his car into a home on wheels. But when his girlfriend sees it, she's horrified. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 26th, 2018, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon

I had to read this twice to know if I liked it or not, But I actually do like the story.
You haven't listed it as a comedy, but I think it is a comedic piece with a dark ending.

The writing could do with tidying as well as the dialogue, but this all comes with practice.


Quoted Text
Abby stares hard at the car. Thinks for a long time. Seems
caught up in two minds. Does she stay or does she go.


The above for example, you don't need to tell us what she is thinking "does she stay or go" - we can't film that. Trust that the audience can understand what a character is thinking by the way they act and what they say - Just tell us she is hesitant, maybe starts to walk to the car, stops, walks again - stuff like that


Quoted Text
JOE
Itís on the other side of the
country but itís my cousins and he
said we canít live with him no
problem


This was a little confusing - not sure if there is a typo in there - Why is he showing her a house they can't live in? what's the point?

I found the dialogue of Abby breaking up with Joe, and his rant to himself at the end, a little on the nose and stiff - not natural - again dialogue comes with practice

Personally, I don't think Joe needs to talk to himself at the end - Show him angry, he's snapped. he grabs a hammer and storms to the house - The audience will know he is up to no good, you don't need to tell us through dialogue.

Anyway, really difficult to tell a story in 3 pages - excellent job, I enjoyed it.

Good luck with it

Matt


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OlgaTremaine
Posted: November 27th, 2018, 1:14am Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,

The story has potential imo. As I was reading I thought the weakest aspect here is the dialogue. It sounds on-the-nose and unnatural. Maybe say the lines out loud and see what needs rephrasing. Or maybe tone down the chatter and show through actions and emotions.
Good luck!
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