Postcards by The Mailman - Short, RomCom - When promised postcards never arrive, a man wonders if the meet cute was real or in his head. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey "The Mailman" (that name sounds like a horror waiting to be written),

Okay, there's scenes upon scenes that don't really do anything here apart from take up space, sorry if that seems harsh but given the sheer amount of scripts this time round attention spans will get short very quickly and you just need to keep us hooked somehow. It's okay, but just okay, no real surprises.

Romance? It's definitely there. Comedic value? Not really, its charming but not that funny.

The chocolates and flowers just kinda appear as an afterthought, the red pen and heart, that's more interesting.

Anyway, it's not for me but none the less well done.

Cam

So my dos centavos...

I liked this for what it was, a charming little story about almost missing out on something that was important to him (and apparently to her).  The story is well-written, the dialogue isn't wooden, and Michael and Priya work well together.

What didn't work for me was all the time spent with Jason -- I think if I were looking at this as a producer, I would want way less of him and more time spent on the little moments like at the mailbox, or him searching things on the computer, or doing other things to show how he's smitten with her.  That would get this down to maybe five pages and that's all you need for a story like this.

But the writing is top-notch and it's well-told, so good job there.

Best,
Gary

Before I even open the script, I see the following Logline, "When promised postcards never arrive, a man wonders if the meet cute was real or in his head.", and I say out loud, Huh?  WTF?  Makes ZERO sense and is a terrible start.

"20s" - As I always say, pick an age that's appropriate for your charters and story.  20 and 29 are worlds away.

Through Page 3, I'm torn, as there's really nothing not to like, yet it all comes off so sweet and sugary, and far from real.  Again, knowing their ages would help...or hurt...as life changes alot between 20 and 29.  These two sound much more like 17 or 18 year olds.

Through Page 4, I feel exactly the same as earlier.  Not much I can complain about, but it doesn't feel remotely real.  These peeps are too proper and nice.

SKIP the JUMPCUTS!!!  You don't need them and no one wants to read them.

I think the fantasy scene is a waste.

Well, and we're done.  I think you nailed all the parameters.  ROMCOM, yeah, light on the COM, but the "feel" is definitely here.

I don't really get the ending about the wet ink and what the woman told Priya. I also didn't get the Seattle reference - if this is set in Seattle, you missed a golden opportunity by not setting this up right from the beginning.

My issues really come down how over the top redonkulously sugary sweet this all is.  Maybe there's a fan base in the Hallmark movies, or afterschool specials from the 70's, but in terms of this being taken remotely for real?  I sure can't.

I think you missed badly on the ages of the characters.  I'd go much younger or MUCH, MUCH older.  peps in their 20's don't act like this.

The male characters here don't come off at all like guys are in real life.  Nor does the story, if that makes sense.  Anyhow, it's a solid effort, pretty well written, and easy to read.

***1/2

Hi Writer,

So the logline makes no sense, hopefully Don made a typo and not you. Will see how the script goes. No points off for a bad logline, it's all about the script.

Some of the initial dialogue is on the nose.

I think the 3 scenes of him collecting mail would be better written as a group of shots. You could achieve the exact same result in probably half the lines. I think it would look better on the page as well, personal preference.

About half way through and the on-the-nose dialogue seems to be throughout the script.

Same suggestion with the next 3 mailbox scenes.

Not much comedy, and I feel like the romance was missed in a way. We don't really see them develop a relationship in any meaningful way. They have a semi-flirty chat, she sends postcards that make the relationship seem deeper than you've allowed us to see, and then they get together.

I don't know, it was just missing something, and that something was a bigger connection early on. I think without the constraints of the OWC you can build that and make a great little short.

You do need to work on that dialogue though.

All the best.

Hmm.

Stretches the parameters quite a bit IMO. The roses and chocolates are a mere throw-away after thought on page 10 of the story - like - oops - got to get the props in. It literally could have been anything.

The writing is good. Got a bit slow in the middle.

I think it works better without Jason.

There is talent here.  

I liked this one. And it's way more fun picking out postcards than sending an anonymous email. You can even give it a spritz with some nice perfume. Can you do that with email? Na-ah. Maybe in the future.  :)

Is there a reason you chose Thailand for her destination of choice? Couldn't it have been a more romantic place? Like Paris or something?  :)

The only other thing is I have to wonder why so many guy's that have so called friends seem to act like jerks in scripts.

All in all, a solid effort with a nice happy ending. Happy happy joy joy!  :)

Sandra

It's got lots of charm, but little humor. Minimize Jason's role in this and replace him with a funny scene involving Michael's pining for Priya. You're in the right emotional neighborhood, though. Keep working.

I think the annoying sidekick/best buddy is a well worn but often colourful device in RomComs. However,  the comedic zingers need to have some bite and be funny.

Jason says: 'smitten kitten' - eek! Really?

Writer, you've definitely written more to formula with this one  - no rubber dildos or over the top cursing in this one,
and zero violence, thankfully, but ithe plot is still a bit too smooth for my liking and nothing jumps out comedy wise with snappy dialogue.

I think you needed to compound that last 'obstacle to love' just a touch more too. Not quite hitting it out of the ball park yet.

Thank you for sticking to the type of thing I imagined though.
It's nice work that you can work more on after the challenge.

A cute story with very little comedy if any.. flipping each other off is not exactly comedy gold.

The romantic side was definitely there, not sure you really needed the fantasy in such a short script

Overall the writing was pretty good and flowed it easily

Good job on entering

Writer,

Congrats. You get too marks for this one. It definitely has humor and romance. A mistake is made, then when all hope seems lost... well, we all know the rest. Although I almost puked when Jason, the so-called jock, said “smitten kitten.” Wth were you thinking? I jest. Probably the closest to adhering to the challenge parameters, and probably my favorite so far ( althoigh I still have like sixty left to read).

Steve

Hello writer - I'm jumping in, I hope this one delivers (see what I did there  :))

Him wearing gloves so not to wash off the heart was cute, nice touches like this add to the romance.

The JUMP CUTS might have worked better as a Montage to be honest - shot's of him opening and closing the mail box, each shot getting quicker, each time his face is more and more desperate.

The dialogue isn't the worst I've seen, but it's not the best - Could do with revisiting.

Yes! A ROM-COM! Hallelujah

You have something here, a lovely story - The going to the restaurant late and she's gone, classic.

Personally I would lose that big speech Priya does at the end - I would also make it a bit more dramatic in the way he finds her - Like, she is only back in the country for that 1 night before going away again, so he has to track her down quick - I dunno, something.

Anyway - Solid entry

Matt

I was ready to write down my thoughts while reading this one, but...  Before I knew it, it was over!

I liked this one a LOT. Ticked all the boxes for me. I have nothing to add. Best one I've read so far.

Congratulations writer!  8)8)8)8)8)

Well this definitely felt more like a straightforward rom-com.   It was good writing overall, I just wanted more from the dialogue.  Didn't fall in love with it, per se.  My only "nitpick" is a minor one: I don't think you needed the jump cuts.  

Kudos for finishing.

Another actual romcom. Yes!

If ever there was a genre where sticking to a formula helps... it's romcom. Give us all the sappy little turns we expect and we'll be happy. And, you did it. So, points for that.

There are multiple opportunities for tightening. Not sure the buddy added much, but if you decide to keep him, try out some different dialogue. I agree with others on the "series of shots." vs. how you handled the mailbox.

Good job on the little heart on his hand. Nice touch. (Though the description of the moment was confusing to me. I had to read it several times to understand what you meant.) Chocolates and roses not so much. (Who cares though, outside of the OWC.)

High marks for writing an actual romcom.

Thanks for sharing!

Brings the pen to the fleshy part of the thumb, something or other. <—find a way to sharpen stuff like this up. Even a couple extra words will completely throw a reader out of the story. You had me hooked and this line completely knocked me off track.

Take out the drunken stupor scene, daydreaming might seem funnier if the person doing it isn’t hammered. Doesn’t quite come off as silly as I think you intended.

So, it has that almost missed the boat element, which makes for a great ending, but a lot of the meat in the middle parts needs to be reworked. Like, the entire middle of the story is him looking in a mailbox and reacting to it. Then, he gets drunk. It completely kills all tension that existed in the beginning.

Find a way to continue to build the romance and tension in the middle part of the story. Maybe have him write her a postcard that he plans on delivering in person or something.

Hi Writer,

More than halfway in and this one jumped to the top of my favs.

The chocolates and the roses were thrown last minute, but the characters are well-defined, the story flows and there is both romance and humor (no "smitten kitten" wasn't precisely funny...).

It just ticked all the right boxes.

I can't but join Dave's comments - lots of talent on display.

Great job!

Please Mr. Postman

Okay, we're in business.

This was a nice, straight, romantic comedy.  The comedy was very light, but there was comedy.

I think you depended too much  on Jason  to deliver the comedy.  If you want to put in a funny best friend, give him better lines than "smitten kitten."

Some of the dialogue was on the nose.  Needs some revision.

All in all, a good effort.  
Good luck.

This is a very nice little screenplay.

Romantic and done well with a simple idea. But the execution shines through and makes this script special.

A very satisfying ending too.

Something is missing there in the middle. Maybe not enough heartache from Michael or something. I also wish that the woman didn't just bring the postcards over. Maybe Jason sends Michael a postcard, and Michael weeps over it and the woman walks by or something. Just saying.

Very nice job.

Wow.. this is my favorite so far. :)

Very simple but cute.

Love the woman showing up with the postcards after he's finally given up!

Everything was good on this one not much to complain about. '

Great job writer.

Well-written, but the ending is a little predictable. What if, instead of postcards, Priya sends instax photos of herself in Thailand. Each new photo shows her hanging out with increasingly more dangerous-looking people, in increasingly more dangerous-looking locations. Each photo makes Michael freak out even more, until at the end he's scared to death of Priya's imminent arrival. Of course, Priya was over there as part of her job, say a journalist, or a member of Doctors Without Borders.

Nice story.  I like it.  The comedy was lighthearted.  Romance was there.  Ticks all the boxes.  The idea of postcards going to the wrong address and the little old lady is a good touch.  Easy to film too.

All the best.

Hmm, I liked how this started but the middle got a bit repetitive for me.

The idea with the heart, the washing gloves stuff like that, all nice touches.

But the end felt rushed.

Good effort.

Thanks to everyone who read and commented on this.

I definitely leaned on Jason for the comedy and he just isn't funny. I know a couple of people like this in real life and they have this larger than life personality that makes the garbage that comes out of their mouths kind of hilarious, but that just doesn't translate to the page without all the other character antics, and the story wasn't about Jason.

I did consider just having Michael going nuts and making that more comedic. I was worried about him coming off as too desperate though, which would have undermined the romance. Why should Priya be stuck with him if he's so clingy? She doesn't deserve that. So a third party was needed, and I agree with everyone, it needs to be something better than Jason.

There were a lot of complaints about the jump cuts, but they work for shooting and editing. I'm fine with them.

I tried to make the chocolates and flowers a bigger part of it, but that's where I ran into page count troubles. This started over 13 pages long. The chocolates and flowers originally demonstrated that they really don't even know each other (Priya acknowledges this with her "Do you even like chocolate?" line, the only remnant of a combined half a page of that). In the end I left in what felt organic and natural, but they ended up being just props after all. I let that go in favour of the light-hearted romantic story.

Thanks so much to Pia and Don for this OWC. I'm happy with my first crack at a rom com, I learned a lot and it was fun.