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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  /  For Now (was 'Blessing') - OWC
Posted by: Don, February 1st, 2019, 10:54pm
For Now (was Blessing) by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as - Grosbeak Bunting  - Short, RomCom - A year after losing her husband, a widow struggles with whether to date again. 8 pages

productioneasy shoot, minimal setup, small cast, limited location (retirement community). - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Dreamscale, February 2nd, 2019, 12:07pm; Reply: 1
I don't mean to be picky, but is "COMMUNITY" the right word here for the Slug?  I don't think so.

Dialogue is very good!  You've given life to both characters through their very believable dialogue.  You've got my interest.

But...the total overuse of wrylies is taking me out of the story.  No need for all these.

I would recommend you give this "woman" a name who give Warren the chocolates.

Personally, I don't like the "young" in front of a character's name, but many use it.

OK, done.  This is quite good!  It's touching, it's real, and it works on all accounts.

WAY too many wrylies, but other than that, very, very solid entry.

****1/2

Posted by: Mr. Blonde, February 2nd, 2019, 12:13pm; Reply: 2
Hey, Jeff, don't forget to leave the scores off the actual script and put them on the scorecard at the end, okay?
Posted by: StevenClark, February 2nd, 2019, 12:16pm; Reply: 3
Writer,

Nice work. I like the set up, and I like the angle on the elderly people ó good to see people realize that just because you get older doesnít mean that sparks canít fly. Writing was good. Also liked that Axel had her doubts as she struggles to let go. Think you should have given more e plantation to the roses ó perhaps her explaining to warren that Jimmy was really sick a year ago, and I guess he sent these because he knew he was going to die. That moment, right there, is a major plot point and you really didnít explain it or get into it much. Big missed opportunity!

Overall, pretty good!

Steve
Posted by: Dreamscale, February 2nd, 2019, 12:46pm; Reply: 4

Quoted from Mr. Blonde
Hey, Jeff, don't forget to leave the scores off the actual script and put them on the scorecard at the end, okay?


I don't recall anything saying "scores' couldn't be shown.

Actually, I'm using a much larger score on a spreadsheet I'm keeping.  The "*'s" are merely a quick guide.

Posted by: Zack, February 2nd, 2019, 7:27pm; Reply: 5
Really liked this one. Very well written, no issues here. Thought the characters were interesting and the dialog was pretty good throughout.

My only knock is that it just wasn't very funny. I think you had an opportunity for some real humor when Old Jimmy was talking about Warren, but you didn't take it far enough.

Still, really good entry here.

Zack
Posted by: Warren, February 3rd, 2019, 2:15am; Reply: 6
Hi Writer,

So I really like this one as is. Good characterisation, excellent dialogue, and a heart-warming story.

I think where it loses it for me in terms of the OWC is that I didn't really find it comedic. For me it was pretty sad with, like I said, a heart-warming ending.

Hard to know how to mark this one. I don't think it quiet gets there in terms of the challenge, but I did like it.

I'm going to stew on it for a bit.

All the best.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, February 3rd, 2019, 7:05am; Reply: 7
I'm finding it hard to review this challenge as I am emotionally dead inside- So I am now going in with the mentality of "What would my other half think?"

She would like this one - she's a sucker for old people in love, I don't think there's a moment that would move her to tears, but in a Rom-Com I guess that doesn't matter.

I enjoyed it, was feel good, nothing pulled me out of the read, dialogue felt real.

No stand out comedy moments, but it wasn't too serious either.

Good job and well done for completing the challenge

Matt
Posted by: eldave1, February 3rd, 2019, 3:01pm; Reply: 8
Not much to say. Like it. Well written. Solid entry
Posted by: Sandra Elstree., February 3rd, 2019, 7:51pm; Reply: 9
It's a good effort. And you entered, but  I'm starting to sound like a broken record in my reviews.

I'm starting to think some kind of Possession took place in this OWC.

I understand the sentiment in this script and that is beautiful, but I don't see anything funny here.

It's downright depressing.

I'm really learning a lesson here. If an audience goes to a movie with "an expectation", that movie better deliver or kaboom.

It really makes me think about what I'm currently working on and I know I've got tone issues so I know it's not easy.

There are no issues with your tone in this one, it's consistent, but not humorous.

The story itself works well and thank goodness someone else like Pumpernickel besides me.  :)

Sandra
Posted by: Vincent, February 3rd, 2019, 8:09pm; Reply: 10
Like the concept, and that you've focused on a segment often overlooked (older people), but I wish the comedy was more visible. I'd suggest you watch the new Fox sitcom "The Cool Kids" (8:30/7:30c), focusing on four residents of an Arizona retirement community -- it's considerably more broad in its humor than this, but gives an idea of the challenges seniors go through.

Your story has possibilities, so keep working on it.
Posted by: Vincent, February 3rd, 2019, 8:10pm; Reply: 11
Oh -- "The Cool Kids" airs on Fridays.
Posted by: grademan, February 3rd, 2019, 8:46pm; Reply: 12
This was too cute for me and the moment where ADEL and JIMMY should have been a MOMENT.
This was what I expected the entries to be for this OWC. No shame in your game.
Posted by: khamanna, February 3rd, 2019, 9:02pm; Reply: 13
Nice take on a challenge. It's a romcomand written very well.

Not something I haven't read before though but that's not my problem.

Don't know what to add here - you're far better writer than I am, so the writing reads top notch for me. I'd wish for a mord interesting plot though.
Posted by: LC, February 3rd, 2019, 10:04pm; Reply: 14
Blimey...

In 'strine' that simply means surprisingly good. Show off!

I don't think an explanation was needed for the flowers - he's arranged to have them delivered each year.

Humour was lovely. Great, obstructions with all the biddies vying for his attention and a satisfying ending.

Like I said: Showoff! ;D

Ooh, one thing: I'm not enamoured with the title, don't think it does it justice.

One more nitpicky thing:  

YOUNG JIMMY
Oh, Babe. I like this guy.

I know he's Young Jimmy but I question whether the term of endearment would be 'babe', from this era, more like 'sweetheart', darling or even, doll.
Posted by: hawkeye, February 3rd, 2019, 10:20pm; Reply: 15
Top notch! Damn you!  This was good.  It was clever, imaginative and funny as well.  The writing is great. You love the characters, the back and forth, all the old biddies after Warren.  A good ending as well.

Not much to fault here.  I've got it as my fav so far, and I'm pretty certain I know who wrote it based one line in particular, and its par for the course for this writer.

Big thumbs up here,
Gary
Posted by: irish eyes, February 4th, 2019, 2:32pm; Reply: 16
Is it just me or is page 4 blank??

Anyways last but not least a heartwarming story and a good entry... the comedy wasn't laugh out loud but was enough for the undertone.

Good job on entering
Posted by: Cam Gray, February 4th, 2019, 2:49pm; Reply: 17
Hey writer,

Listening to The Offspring was a bad choice for this script read...still, it was nice and charming, quite touching actually. Iíd like a bit more on the belly laugh front, but I can see how it works for a romcom standard of laughter in it being slightly pulled back.

Overall, pretty solid,

Cam
Posted by: _ghostwriters, February 5th, 2019, 6:06am; Reply: 18
In short, I'm repeating something I've said once before: To coin a phrase I am sure you are familiar with, "The Force is strong in this one." as well.

Behind the writing, the feel/vibe I got was here is someone who is in control and can write.

Great job.  A bit depresssing, but nothing really to nitpick.  Although some may try.   Again - great job.

Kudos for finishing.
Posted by: Angry Bear, February 5th, 2019, 7:45pm; Reply: 19
Again i was planning to take down notes, but found little to complain about.

I liked this story. It was funny without being an outright comedy. It was romantic and it had all the items included.

Funny how so far my favorite scripts so far have been stories with kids or seniors. Except for one that was regular adults, but I find that interesting.

Great job writer! Your script will get a high score from me.  8)
Posted by: Sandra Elstree., February 5th, 2019, 10:57pm; Reply: 20
Hi Writer...

This is good and so I opened it again to give you a bump.

Here's my reasons for not giving it tops.

Nothing to do with the writing etc...

I'm not young and not old, but old enough and often, we get this "thought" in our heads I think that old people are sweet and nice and you know?

I used to help out at a Thrift Store  where we had a lot of older people and the conversations... Man, I should work with some of that content.

Just because you're old, it doesn't mean you're sweet and sentimental or the opposite: bitter and cantankerous. Although, I've seen a lot of those, too.

So yeah, the stereo types just don't cut it.

...and you know, I think most seniors would agree... they're as human as anyone else...

They're not necessarily good or bad or sweet or bitter. They're just people like everyone else.

:)

Sandra

Posted by: James McClung, February 6th, 2019, 5:25pm; Reply: 21
This was excellent.

Not hilarious, but funny enough, and funny in a realistic way that fits the characters. That Olive Garden would be the destination for an anticipated romantic outing not without a certain sense of weight is kinda hilarious but still grounded and doesn't detract from the dignity and sincerity of the characters. The Cheesecake Factory line at the end was a fun, related reference.

Romantic, yes, but with a sense of melancholy, which makes it all the more sweet, not to mention real and meaningful.

A different, less obvious take on the challenge, which I always appreciate. You created a lived-in world in a very short period of time with real, well-rounded, likable characters. Everything feels fully realized.

And it even seems to be one of the shorter entries. It certainly read quickly and felt short. Win!

Only issue I would note (a minor one) is that I feel like there should've been some kind of transition or note when Young Adel enters the scene so as to orient the reader. I wasn't sure if Adel becomes Young Adel or if Adel is watching her younger self interact with Jimmy. I get what you were going for and it worked well, especially later on in the scene, but I could've used some additional clarity.

Solid entry. Terrific job. :)
Posted by: manxman, February 7th, 2019, 11:06pm; Reply: 22
Cute. Sweet. Nice idea. having younger characters interact with their much older counterparts. Dialog repetitive in places and not awfully original but the piece is easy to follow and likable. Be interested in reading other works by the same writer.
Posted by: DaveTroop, February 9th, 2019, 1:47pm; Reply: 23
Love is in the air.

This was very good.  Solid writing  

I was happy to see your characters were of an advanced age.
The dialogue was top notch.  Flowed naturally.

There is romance on every page, but itís not overly sentimental.
The comedy is light, which is a good thing. We donít need seniors doing pratfalls.

This is one of my favs so far.

Thank you so much for entering.

Posted by: ReneC, February 12th, 2019, 3:34pm; Reply: 24
By far the most romantic, heart-warming one I've read so far, and it has the light tone of a rom com. It has the chocolates in spades. It has roses. It has a terrific reveal for the red. It has excellent dialogue, character, pacing.

The only gripe I have is you should introduce YOUNG ADEL properly. It's a different actor, it needs to be a different character. You also started her interaction with Young Jimmy as Adel (70s Adel) and then switched to Young Adel, but it seems when she turns to face him that's where the transition should be. Again, a proper character intro would fix that ambiguity.

Really solid, and it would be easy to shoot. Top marks.
Posted by: Spqr, February 12th, 2019, 8:01pm; Reply: 25
Excellent. It might be fun if you had Adel run a gauntlet of rebuffed women on her way to the van.
Posted by: jayrex, February 14th, 2019, 12:32pm; Reply: 26
Not bad.  Pretty cute.  I don't think I noticed any flowers but lots of chocolate.  I see the comedy and romance.  

See on page four when young Jimmy says "humble, nice".  Was this directed to Adel or to everyone?  It was hard to tell who the audience of that line and subsequent lines were for.

All the best.
Posted by: Philostrate, February 14th, 2019, 4:02pm; Reply: 27
Hi Writer,

Congrats on writing this one, one of my favs.

What I really loved about your script is that not only has a nice story and good characters but that I was somehow touched when Adel received Jimmy's flowers. I didn't expect that. That's something very complicated to achieve and you did it! You really made me care for these characters. The moment I was touched, I knew it - this was going to be on top.

The writing and the dialogue are pretty solid and I liked how you used the thing with the chocolates and the presence of an imaginary? Young Jimmy to add small bits of humor throughout the story - that was really clever and well thought.

It ticked all the boxes Ė comedy, romance, roses, chocolates and something red.

All in all, one of the best entries I've read in the challenge. This one will stay with me for a while.

Great job!
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, February 15th, 2019, 3:26pm; Reply: 28
Title doesn't fit the story... that's the worst I can find to say!

Rest is great, funny and poignant in equal measure.

Loved it.
Posted by: PKCardinal, February 18th, 2019, 1:11pm; Reply: 29

Quoted from Vincent
Like the concept, and that you've focused on a segment often overlooked (older people), but I wish the comedy was more visible. I'd suggest you watch the new Fox sitcom "The Cool Kids" (8:30/7:30c), focusing on four residents of an Arizona retirement community -- it's considerably more broad in its humor than this, but gives an idea of the challenges seniors go through.

Your story has possibilities, so keep working on it.


Thanks for the feedback Vincent. You definitely hit on one of my main points of concern: is it funny enough?

I was trying to hit a level of humor just below sitcom level. Judging by yours and other's reactions, I fell just short.

BTW, I do watch The Cool Kids... mainly because I think Leslie Jordan is one of the funniest people on the planet!

Again, thanks for the feedback! Very helpful.
Posted by: PKCardinal, February 18th, 2019, 1:19pm; Reply: 30

Quoted from LC
Blimey...

In 'strine' that simply means surprisingly good. Show off!

I don't think an explanation was needed for the flowers - he's arranged to have them delivered each year.

Humour was lovely. Great, obstructions with all the biddies vying for his attention and a satisfying ending.

Like I said: Showoff! ;D

Ooh, one thing: I'm not enamoured with the title, don't think it does it justice.

One more nitpicky thing:  

YOUNG JIMMY
Oh, Babe. I like this guy.

I know he's Young Jimmy but I question whether the term of endearment would be 'babe', from this era, more like 'sweetheart', darling or even, doll.


LC,

Thanks for the compliments. Can never have enough of those.

Regarding the title: I can't decide if I like it, either. I couldn't think of anything, so I went with the idea that Jimmy is giving his "blessing" for Adel to date. But, it just doesn't feel right. Still, haven't thought of anything better. (Ideas, anyone?)

Also, great note on "Babe." Really made me think. Every word is so important. So, I did the math. They met in their 30s, they're in their 70s. That means they dated in the 1970s. Brought to mind, Sonny and Cher. I got you, Babe. So, I can make the argument that he might call her Babe. But, still not sure if I've convinced myself. So, I'll keep pondering. Maybe there's something better.

Again, love the note. Details make all the difference.
Posted by: PKCardinal, February 18th, 2019, 1:24pm; Reply: 31

Quoted from James McClung


Only issue I would note (a minor one) is that I feel like there should've been some kind of transition or note when Young Adel enters the scene so as to orient the reader. I wasn't sure if Adel becomes Young Adel or if Adel is watching her younger self interact with Jimmy. I get what you were going for and it worked well, especially later on in the scene, but I could've used some additional clarity.



Both you and ReneC made this same note.

I'm working the problem!

Thanks!
Posted by: PKCardinal, February 19th, 2019, 1:46pm; Reply: 32
FYI, I've changed the title to SPARK. Hopefully that's better.
Posted by: LC, February 19th, 2019, 8:00pm; Reply: 33
PK, I read it again slowly and deliberately, looking at dialogue, key phrases, with a mind to title.

'Spark' isn't exactly lighting up for me.
It's not bad but as a title it could mean any genre, any thing... I think in that regard Blessing is better.

So, any of these take your fancy?


Together Again
One More Time, With Feeling
Last Chance Love
The Olive Garden
When A Guy Likes A Gal
Our First Valentineís Day
Say Yes
One Last Dance
Chocolates And Breadsticks
The Gift
The Real Thing

Perhaps those might inspire.
Then again, Writer has final word.  :)



Posted by: PKCardinal, February 19th, 2019, 8:14pm; Reply: 34
Wow, so much thought, LC. Thank you.

At first glance, One Last Dance kinda stands out. Or, just: Last Dance

Gonna sleep on that list and see if any others take hold.

Again, thank you!
Posted by: LC, February 19th, 2019, 8:43pm; Reply: 35
You're very welcome. Happy to help. :)
Posted by: PKCardinal, February 20th, 2019, 2:27pm; Reply: 36
Alrighty... thank you LC, you really spurred me to solve the title problem. And, helped push me past SPARK, which didn't feel all that much better than BLESSING.

I've settled on: FOR NOW

It speaks to the two levels of the script: Jimmy says "we'll be together again someday" but gives his blessing to Adel to be happy now. And, Warren understands "life is short", but also that Adel has loved Jimmy for a long time. His message is: let's just enjoy each other's company while we can. Jimmy agrees.

It's all temporary. All of life is.
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