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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Blessing - OWC
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  Author    Blessing - OWC  (currently 615 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blessing by - Grosbeak Bunting  - Short, RomCom - A year after losing her husband, a widow struggles with whether to date again. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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I don't mean to be picky, but is "COMMUNITY" the right word here for the Slug?  I don't think so.

Dialogue is very good!  You've given life to both characters through their very believable dialogue.  You've got my interest.

But...the total overuse of wrylies is taking me out of the story.  No need for all these.

I would recommend you give this "woman" a name who give Warren the chocolates.

Personally, I don't like the "young" in front of a character's name, but many use it.

OK, done.  This is quite good!  It's touching, it's real, and it works on all accounts.

WAY too many wrylies, but other than that, very, very solid entry.

****1/2



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Hey, Jeff, don't forget to leave the scores off the actual script and put them on the scorecard at the end, okay?


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StevenClark
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Nice work. I like the set up, and I like the angle on the elderly people ó good to see people realize that just because you get older doesnít mean that sparks canít fly. Writing was good. Also liked that Axel had her doubts as she struggles to let go. Think you should have given more e plantation to the roses ó perhaps her explaining to warren that Jimmy was really sick a year ago, and I guess he sent these because he knew he was going to die. That moment, right there, is a major plot point and you really didnít explain it or get into it much. Big missed opportunity!

Overall, pretty good!

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
Hey, Jeff, don't forget to leave the scores off the actual script and put them on the scorecard at the end, okay?


I don't recall anything saying "scores' couldn't be shown.

Actually, I'm using a much larger score on a spreadsheet I'm keeping.  The "*'s" are merely a quick guide.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Zack
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Really liked this one. Very well written, no issues here. Thought the characters were interesting and the dialog was pretty good throughout.

My only knock is that it just wasn't very funny. I think you had an opportunity for some real humor when Old Jimmy was talking about Warren, but you didn't take it far enough.

Still, really good entry here.

Zack
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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:15am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

So I really like this one as is. Good characterisation, excellent dialogue, and a heart-warming story.

I think where it loses it for me in terms of the OWC is that I didn't really find it comedic. For me it was pretty sad with, like I said, a heart-warming ending.

Hard to know how to mark this one. I don't think it quiet gets there in terms of the challenge, but I did like it.

I'm going to stew on it for a bit.

All the best.


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Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  February 5th, 2019, 4:51am
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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I'm finding it hard to review this challenge as I am emotionally dead inside- So I am now going in with the mentality of "What would my other half think?"

She would like this one - she's a sucker for old people in love, I don't think there's a moment that would move her to tears, but in a Rom-Com I guess that doesn't matter.

I enjoyed it, was feel good, nothing pulled me out of the read, dialogue felt real.

No stand out comedy moments, but it wasn't too serious either.

Good job and well done for completing the challenge

Matt


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Not much to say. Like it. Well written. Solid entry


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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It's a good effort. And you entered, but  I'm starting to sound like a broken record in my reviews.

I'm starting to think some kind of Possession took place in this OWC.

I understand the sentiment in this script and that is beautiful, but I don't see anything funny here.

It's downright depressing.

I'm really learning a lesson here. If an audience goes to a movie with "an expectation", that movie better deliver or kaboom.

It really makes me think about what I'm currently working on and I know I've got tone issues so I know it's not easy.

There are no issues with your tone in this one, it's consistent, but not humorous.

The story itself works well and thank goodness someone else like Pumpernickel besides me.  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Like the concept, and that you've focused on a segment often overlooked (older people), but I wish the comedy was more visible. I'd suggest you watch the new Fox sitcom "The Cool Kids" (8:30/7:30c), focusing on four residents of an Arizona retirement community -- it's considerably more broad in its humor than this, but gives an idea of the challenges seniors go through.

Your story has possibilities, so keep working on it.
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Oh -- "The Cool Kids" airs on Fridays.
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grademan
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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This was too cute for me and the moment where ADEL and JIMMY should have been a MOMENT.
This was what I expected the entries to be for this OWC. No shame in your game.
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khamanna
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Nice take on a challenge. It's a romcomand written very well.

Not something I haven't read before though but that's not my problem.

Don't know what to add here - you're far better writer than I am, so the writing reads top notch for me. I'd wish for a mord interesting plot though.
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LC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Blimey...

In 'strine' that simply means surprisingly good. Show off!

I don't think an explanation was needed for the flowers - he's arranged to have them delivered each year.

Humour was lovely. Great, obstructions with all the biddies vying for his attention and a satisfying ending.

Like I said: Showoff!

Ooh, one thing: I'm not enamoured with the title, don't think it does it justice.

One more nitpicky thing:  

YOUNG JIMMY
Oh, Babe. I like this guy.

I know he's Young Jimmy but I question whether the term of endearment would be 'babe', from this era, more like 'sweetheart', darling or even, doll.



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LC  -  February 3rd, 2019, 11:52pm
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