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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  For Now (was 'Blessing') - OWC
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Blimey...

In 'strine' that simply means surprisingly good. Show off!

I don't think an explanation was needed for the flowers - he's arranged to have them delivered each year.

Humour was lovely. Great, obstructions with all the biddies vying for his attention and a satisfying ending.

Like I said: Showoff!

Ooh, one thing: I'm not enamoured with the title, don't think it does it justice.

One more nitpicky thing:  

YOUNG JIMMY
Oh, Babe. I like this guy.

I know he's Young Jimmy but I question whether the term of endearment would be 'babe', from this era, more like 'sweetheart', darling or even, doll.


LC,

Thanks for the compliments. Can never have enough of those.

Regarding the title: I can't decide if I like it, either. I couldn't think of anything, so I went with the idea that Jimmy is giving his "blessing" for Adel to date. But, it just doesn't feel right. Still, haven't thought of anything better. (Ideas, anyone?)

Also, great note on "Babe." Really made me think. Every word is so important. So, I did the math. They met in their 30s, they're in their 70s. That means they dated in the 1970s. Brought to mind, Sonny and Cher. I got you, Babe. So, I can make the argument that he might call her Babe. But, still not sure if I've convinced myself. So, I'll keep pondering. Maybe there's something better.

Again, love the note. Details make all the difference.


PaulKWrites.com

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PKCardinal
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung


Only issue I would note (a minor one) is that I feel like there should've been some kind of transition or note when Young Adel enters the scene so as to orient the reader. I wasn't sure if Adel becomes Young Adel or if Adel is watching her younger self interact with Jimmy. I get what you were going for and it worked well, especially later on in the scene, but I could've used some additional clarity.



Both you and ReneC made this same note.

I'm working the problem!

Thanks!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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FYI, I've changed the title to SPARK. Hopefully that's better.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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LC
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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PK, I read it again slowly and deliberately, looking at dialogue, key phrases, with a mind to title.

'Spark' isn't exactly lighting up for me.
It's not bad but as a title it could mean any genre, any thing... I think in that regard Blessing is better.

So, any of these take your fancy?


Together Again
One More Time, With Feeling
Last Chance Love
The Olive Garden
When A Guy Likes A Gal
Our First Valentine’s Day
Say Yes
One Last Dance
Chocolates And Breadsticks
The Gift
The Real Thing

Perhaps those might inspire.
Then again, Writer has final word.  





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PKCardinal
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, so much thought, LC. Thank you.

At first glance, One Last Dance kinda stands out. Or, just: Last Dance

Gonna sleep on that list and see if any others take hold.

Again, thank you!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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LC
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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You're very welcome. Happy to help.


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PKCardinal
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Alrighty... thank you LC, you really spurred me to solve the title problem. And, helped push me past SPARK, which didn't feel all that much better than BLESSING.

I've settled on: FOR NOW

It speaks to the two levels of the script: Jimmy says "we'll be together again someday" but gives his blessing to Adel to be happy now. And, Warren understands "life is short", but also that Adel has loved Jimmy for a long time. His message is: let's just enjoy each other's company while we can. Jimmy agrees.

It's all temporary. All of life is.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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