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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  For Now (was 'Blessing') - OWC - Filmed
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  Author    For Now (was 'Blessing') - OWC - Filmed  (currently 1546 views)
Gary Howell
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Top notch! Damn you!  This was good.  It was clever, imaginative and funny as well.  The writing is great. You love the characters, the back and forth, all the old biddies after Warren.  A good ending as well.

Not much to fault here.  I've got it as my fav so far, and I'm pretty certain I know who wrote it based one line in particular, and its par for the course for this writer.

Big thumbs up here,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Is it just me or is page 4 blank??

Anyways last but not least a heartwarming story and a good entry... the comedy wasn't laugh out loud but was enough for the undertone.

Good job on entering


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...

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Hey writer,

Listening to The Offspring was a bad choice for this script read...still, it was nice and charming, quite touching actually. Iíd like a bit more on the belly laugh front, but I can see how it works for a romcom standard of laughter in it being slightly pulled back.

Overall, pretty solid,

Cam


Stuff I've done:
The Dollop Podcast - Voyage Of The HMS Beagle https://tinyurl.com/y9poervu
Devolution of the Species Podcast https://tinyurl.com/tt9qp3t
Ian's Gone Postal https://tinyurl.com/y7c3wskq
Really Important Person Book Club Podcast https://tinyurl.com/y9bkuhqf
Rebecca Wong Is Not Happy https://tinyurl.com/y97zwyhc
Algorithms For Loss https://tinyurl.com/ybx77pfv
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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In short, I'm repeating something I've said once before: To coin a phrase I am sure you are familiar with, "The Force is strong in this one." as well.

Behind the writing, the feel/vibe I got was here is someone who is in control and can write.

Great job.  A bit depresssing, but nothing really to nitpick.  Although some may try.   Again - great job.

Kudos for finishing.


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Grandma Bear
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Again i was planning to take down notes, but found little to complain about.

I liked this story. It was funny without being an outright comedy. It was romantic and it had all the items included.

Funny how so far my favorite scripts so far have been stories with kids or seniors. Except for one that was regular adults, but I find that interesting.

Great job writer! Your script will get a high score from me.  


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer...

This is good and so I opened it again to give you a bump.

Here's my reasons for not giving it tops.

Nothing to do with the writing etc...

I'm not young and not old, but old enough and often, we get this "thought" in our heads I think that old people are sweet and nice and you know?

I used to help out at a Thrift Store  where we had a lot of older people and the conversations... Man, I should work with some of that content.

Just because you're old, it doesn't mean you're sweet and sentimental or the opposite: bitter and cantankerous. Although, I've seen a lot of those, too.

So yeah, the stereo types just don't cut it.

...and you know, I think most seniors would agree... they're as human as anyone else...

They're not necessarily good or bad or sweet or bitter. They're just people like everyone else.



Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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James McClung
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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This was excellent.

Not hilarious, but funny enough, and funny in a realistic way that fits the characters. That Olive Garden would be the destination for an anticipated romantic outing not without a certain sense of weight is kinda hilarious but still grounded and doesn't detract from the dignity and sincerity of the characters. The Cheesecake Factory line at the end was a fun, related reference.

Romantic, yes, but with a sense of melancholy, which makes it all the more sweet, not to mention real and meaningful.

A different, less obvious take on the challenge, which I always appreciate. You created a lived-in world in a very short period of time with real, well-rounded, likable characters. Everything feels fully realized.

And it even seems to be one of the shorter entries. It certainly read quickly and felt short. Win!

Only issue I would note (a minor one) is that I feel like there should've been some kind of transition or note when Young Adel enters the scene so as to orient the reader. I wasn't sure if Adel becomes Young Adel or if Adel is watching her younger self interact with Jimmy. I get what you were going for and it worked well, especially later on in the scene, but I could've used some additional clarity.

Solid entry. Terrific job.


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manxman
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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Cute. Sweet. Nice idea. having younger characters interact with their much older counterparts. Dialog repetitive in places and not awfully original but the piece is easy to follow and likable. Be interested in reading other works by the same writer.

Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  February 8th, 2019, 2:04am
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DaveTroop
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Love is in the air.

This was very good.  Solid writing  

I was happy to see your characters were of an advanced age.
The dialogue was top notch.  Flowed naturally.

There is romance on every page, but itís not overly sentimental.
The comedy is light, which is a good thing. We donít need seniors doing pratfalls.

This is one of my favs so far.

Thank you so much for entering.

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ReneC
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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By far the most romantic, heart-warming one I've read so far, and it has the light tone of a rom com. It has the chocolates in spades. It has roses. It has a terrific reveal for the red. It has excellent dialogue, character, pacing.

The only gripe I have is you should introduce YOUNG ADEL properly. It's a different actor, it needs to be a different character. You also started her interaction with Young Jimmy as Adel (70s Adel) and then switched to Young Adel, but it seems when she turns to face him that's where the transition should be. Again, a proper character intro would fix that ambiguity.

Really solid, and it would be easy to shoot. Top marks.


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Spqr
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent. It might be fun if you had Adel run a gauntlet of rebuffed women on her way to the van.
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jayrex
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad.  Pretty cute.  I don't think I noticed any flowers but lots of chocolate.  I see the comedy and romance.  

See on page four when young Jimmy says "humble, nice".  Was this directed to Adel or to everyone?  It was hard to tell who the audience of that line and subsequent lines were for.

All the best.


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Philostrate
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Congrats on writing this one, one of my favs.

What I really loved about your script is that not only has a nice story and good characters but that I was somehow touched when Adel received Jimmy's flowers. I didn't expect that. That's something very complicated to achieve and you did it! You really made me care for these characters. The moment I was touched, I knew it - this was going to be on top.

The writing and the dialogue are pretty solid and I liked how you used the thing with the chocolates and the presence of an imaginary? Young Jimmy to add small bits of humor throughout the story - that was really clever and well thought.

It ticked all the boxes Ė comedy, romance, roses, chocolates and something red.

All in all, one of the best entries I've read in the challenge. This one will stay with me for a while.

Great job!


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Title doesn't fit the story... that's the worst I can find to say!

Rest is great, funny and poignant in equal measure.

Loved it.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Vincent
Like the concept, and that you've focused on a segment often overlooked (older people), but I wish the comedy was more visible. I'd suggest you watch the new Fox sitcom "The Cool Kids" (8:30/7:30c), focusing on four residents of an Arizona retirement community -- it's considerably more broad in its humor than this, but gives an idea of the challenges seniors go through.

Your story has possibilities, so keep working on it.


Thanks for the feedback Vincent. You definitely hit on one of my main points of concern: is it funny enough?

I was trying to hit a level of humor just below sitcom level. Judging by yours and other's reactions, I fell just short.

BTW, I do watch The Cool Kids... mainly because I think Leslie Jordan is one of the funniest people on the planet!

Again, thanks for the feedback! Very helpful.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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