All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Top notch! Damn you! This was good. It was clever, imaginative and funny as well. The writing is great. You love the characters, the back and forth, all the old biddies after Warren. A good ending as well.
Not much to fault here. I've got it as my fav so far, and I'm pretty certain I know who wrote it based one line in particular, and its par for the course for this writer.
Listening to The Offspring was a bad choice for this script read...still, it was nice and charming, quite touching actually. Iíd like a bit more on the belly laugh front, but I can see how it works for a romcom standard of laughter in it being slightly pulled back.
Not hilarious, but funny enough, and funny in a realistic way that fits the characters. That Olive Garden would be the destination for an anticipated romantic outing not without a certain sense of weight is kinda hilarious but still grounded and doesn't detract from the dignity and sincerity of the characters. The Cheesecake Factory line at the end was a fun, related reference.
Romantic, yes, but with a sense of melancholy, which makes it all the more sweet, not to mention real and meaningful.
A different, less obvious take on the challenge, which I always appreciate. You created a lived-in world in a very short period of time with real, well-rounded, likable characters. Everything feels fully realized.
And it even seems to be one of the shorter entries. It certainly read quickly and felt short. Win!
Only issue I would note (a minor one) is that I feel like there should've been some kind of transition or note when Young Adel enters the scene so as to orient the reader. I wasn't sure if Adel becomes Young Adel or if Adel is watching her younger self interact with Jimmy. I get what you were going for and it worked well, especially later on in the scene, but I could've used some additional clarity.
Cute. Sweet. Nice idea. having younger characters interact with their much older counterparts. Dialog repetitive in places and not awfully original but the piece is easy to follow and likable. Be interested in reading other works by the same writer.
By far the most romantic, heart-warming one I've read so far, and it has the light tone of a rom com. It has the chocolates in spades. It has roses. It has a terrific reveal for the red. It has excellent dialogue, character, pacing.
The only gripe I have is you should introduce YOUNG ADEL properly. It's a different actor, it needs to be a different character. You also started her interaction with Young Jimmy as Adel (70s Adel) and then switched to Young Adel, but it seems when she turns to face him that's where the transition should be. Again, a proper character intro would fix that ambiguity.
Really solid, and it would be easy to shoot. Top marks.
What I really loved about your script is that not only has a nice story and good characters but that I was somehow touched when Adel received Jimmy's flowers. I didn't expect that. That's something very complicated to achieve and you did it! You really made me care for these characters. The moment I was touched, I knew it - this was going to be on top.
The writing and the dialogue are pretty solid and I liked how you used the thing with the chocolates and the presence of an imaginary? Young Jimmy to add small bits of humor throughout the story - that was really clever and well thought.
It ticked all the boxes Ė comedy, romance, roses, chocolates and something red.
All in all, one of the best entries I've read in the challenge. This one will stay with me for a while.
Like the concept, and that you've focused on a segment often overlooked (older people), but I wish the comedy was more visible. I'd suggest you watch the new Fox sitcom "The Cool Kids" (8:30/7:30c), focusing on four residents of an Arizona retirement community -- it's considerably more broad in its humor than this, but gives an idea of the challenges seniors go through.
Your story has possibilities, so keep working on it.
Thanks for the feedback Vincent. You definitely hit on one of my main points of concern: is it funny enough?
I was trying to hit a level of humor just below sitcom level. Judging by yours and other's reactions, I fell just short.
BTW, I do watch The Cool Kids... mainly because I think Leslie Jordan is one of the funniest people on the planet!
Again, thanks for the feedback! Very helpful.
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror