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The Beginning (currently 1727 views) |
Don |
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 9:50am |
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AdministratorAdministrator ![](/uploads/donss2_1228.jpg) So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16445 Posts Per Day 1.92 |
The Beginning by David Gonzalez - Short, Drama, Supernatural - A husband mourning his wife at the cemetery gets consoled by the last person he expected. 2 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - January 14th, 2019, 2:00pm | | |
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eldave1 |
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 11:01am |
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January Project Group ![](/uploads/propic_simply_scripts_3515.jpg)
LocationSouthern California Posts6872 Posts Per Day 1.88 |
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Reply: 1 - 19 |
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Philostrate |
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 4:23pm |
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Posts341 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Thanks, Dave! These words mean a lot coming from you. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 4:45pm |
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January Project Group ![](/uploads/propic_simply_scripts_3515.jpg)
LocationSouthern California Posts6872 Posts Per Day 1.88 |
Thanks, Dave! These words mean a lot coming from you. |
My pleasure. Great read. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 4:48pm |
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January Project Group ![](/uploads/ukraine_2975.png)
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.84 |
The script reads well, but the log line doesn't - unless I am misreading it |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Philostrate |
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 5:55pm |
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Hi Matthew,
Thanks.
I didn't want to repeat the word "dead" two times in the same sentence, but I think that leads to confusion.
Does this one read better?
**A husband mourns her late wife at a cemetery or isn’t she dead?** |
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eldave1 |
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 6:22pm |
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January Project Group ![](/uploads/propic_simply_scripts_3515.jpg)
LocationSouthern California Posts6872 Posts Per Day 1.88 |
Maybe - A husband mourning his wife at the cemetery gets consoled by the last person he expected. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 4:32am |
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January Project Group ![](/uploads/ukraine_2975.png)
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.84 |
Dave's example reads much better. |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Philostrate |
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 1:02pm |
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Posts341 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Not only reads, it conveys the idea a lot better.
Many thanks, Dave. I just changed the logline in my website. I'll ask Don to change it in here as well. Feedback like this is what makes this site so awesome.
And thanks to Matthew for raising the question in the first place. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 1:04pm |
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January Project Group ![](/uploads/propic_simply_scripts_3515.jpg)
LocationSouthern California Posts6872 Posts Per Day 1.88 |
Not only reads, it conveys the idea a lot better.
Many thanks, Dave. I just changed the logline in my website. I'll ask Don to change it in here as well. Feedback like this is what makes this site so awesome.
And thanks to Matthew for raising the question in the first place. |
Glad it helped |
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Reply: 9 - 19 |
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Warren |
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 8:02pm |
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Of The Ancients ![](/uploads/warren_colors_1_5801.jpg) A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3894 Posts Per Day 1.31 |
Hi David,
Quoted Text His eyes slowly make his way down, toward a vase brimming with burgundy roses. |
I think this should read - His eyes slowly make their way down Really good short, and easy to make. I can see this getting snapped up really quickly. Good luck with it. |
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Philostrate |
Posted: January 15th, 2019, 10:55am |
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Posts341 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Quoted Text I think this should read - His eyes slowly make their way down |
Good eye - thanks!
Quoted Text Really good short, and easy to make. I can see this getting snapped up really quickly.
Good luck with it.
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Thanks, Warren. I like your one-pagers and I'd been wanting to write something similar for some time. That's the closest I've come so far. |
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MikeK |
Posted: July 11th, 2019, 9:07pm |
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LocationQueens, New York Posts19 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Wow I was not expecting that ending. Caught me off guard. Well done! |
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Reply: 12 - 19 |
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Arundel |
Posted: July 11th, 2019, 10:06pm |
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LocationLas Vegas, Nevada Posts265 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
Read it twice. Easy to do right? hehe. Still don't get it. Is the woman with the black hair their daughter? The script reads well and flows but maybe meant to be ambivalent.
One confusing line: "You don't believe me, don't you."
Should it be: "You don't believe me, do you?"
or "You believe me, don't you?" |
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Reply: 13 - 19 |
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Philostrate |
Posted: July 12th, 2019, 3:57pm |
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Mike, Rennie - thanks for the reads and the feedback. I appreciate it. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Reply: 14 - 19 |
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