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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Beginning
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Don
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Beginning by David Gonzalez - Short, Drama, Supernatural - A husband mourning his wife at the cemetery gets consoled by the last person he expected.  2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 14th, 2019, 2:00pm
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eldave1
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 11:01am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Well written, David.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Philostrate
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Dave! These words mean a lot coming from you.


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eldave1
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Philostrate
Thanks, Dave! These words mean a lot coming from you.


My pleasure.  Great read.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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The script reads well, but the log line doesn't - unless I am misreading it


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Philostrate
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Matthew,

Thanks.

I didn't want to repeat the word "dead" two times in the same sentence, but I think that leads to confusion.

Does this one read better?

**A husband mourns her late wife at a cemetery or isnít she dead?**


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eldave1
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe - A husband mourning his wife at the cemetery gets consoled by the last person he expected.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 4:32am Report to Moderator
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Dave's example reads much better.


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Philostrate
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Not only reads, it conveys the idea a lot better.

Many thanks, Dave. I just changed the logline in my website. I'll ask Don to change it in here as well. Feedback like this is what makes this site so awesome.

And thanks to Matthew for raising the question in the first place.


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eldave1
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Philostrate
Not only reads, it conveys the idea a lot better.

Many thanks, Dave. I just changed the logline in my website. I'll ask Don to change it in here as well. Feedback like this is what makes this site so awesome.

And thanks to Matthew for raising the question in the first place.


Glad it helped


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi David,


Quoted Text
His eyes slowly make his way down, toward a vase brimming
with burgundy roses.


I think this should read - His eyes slowly make their way down

Really good short, and easy to make. I can see this getting snapped up really quickly.

Good luck with it.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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Philostrate
Posted: January 15th, 2019, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I think this should read - His eyes slowly make their way down

Good eye - thanks!

Quoted Text

Really good short, and easy to make. I can see this getting snapped up really quickly.

Good luck with it.

Thanks, Warren. I like your one-pagers and I'd been wanting to write something similar for some time. That's the closest I've come so far.


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MikeK
Posted: July 11th, 2019, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Wow I was not expecting that ending. Caught me off guard. Well done!


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Arundel
Posted: July 11th, 2019, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Read it twice. Easy to do right? hehe. Still don't get it. Is the woman with the black hair their daughter? The script reads well and flows but maybe meant to be ambivalent.

One confusing line: "You don't believe me, don't you."

Should it be: "You don't believe me, do you?"

or "You believe me, don't you?"
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Philostrate
Posted: July 12th, 2019, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Mike, Rennie - thanks for the reads and the feedback. I appreciate it.

I'm a little busy at the mo', but I bookmarked your scripts and I plan to return the favor in the near future.


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