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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  /  Love Terror - OWC
Posted by: Don, February 1st, 2019, 11:03pm
Love Terror by - Jedrek Hagan - Short, RomCom - A valentine's anniversary gone horribly wrong when a husband drunkenly arrives home late for dinner. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Mr. Blonde, February 2nd, 2019, 12:21pm; Reply: 1
So, I have a theory on this one. I'm almost certain this was written by an OWC veteran (the use of (sotto) implies something familiar with the craft and it's the second use of it I've seen thus far in this OWC). There were quite a few spelling and grammatical errors, the kind you might have if you rushed the script in just before the deadline. This wasn't bad, but it was strange because I wanted to like it more than I did. I think my real issue is that the person who wrote this could go for something better than this. Underwhelming is the best word I could describe this with.
Posted by: Cam Gray, February 2nd, 2019, 4:03pm; Reply: 2
Hi there writer!!

Hahahahahahahah, hold on a second, wtf??? Hahahaha...and repeat... If I can just quote a line - ďthat was my favourite nippleĒ!!?

Right, this is clearly someone whoís entered these before (due to the copyright thing on the front page, Don recommended it a year ago from memory), which means a lack of fade out and end is a bit sloppy, but the main issue is that 80% of this is just mental. I mean Iíve written some mad shizzle in these comps but this takes the biscuit!

I really donít know what to think. You try and redeem the whole thing by the waking up and everythingís fine ending, but itís probably not enough to convince me this is a romcom. I donít say that lightly as I fear you may try and hunt me down and cause me bodily harm (joking, Iím sure youíre lovely), but I just canít take it seriously.

The romance is replaced over the majority of the place with brutality, and the comedy is just brutal.

Errrrrr, maybe okay? Possibly okay? Probably not going to win.

Well done on entering,

Cam

P.S. Please donít kill me
Posted by: Dreamscale, February 2nd, 2019, 6:22pm; Reply: 3
Oh boy...we're off to a terrible start here.  No FADE in and mistakes in the opening Slug?  Really?  You need an apostrophe to show possession.  How do writers continually not get this?

And it looks like this will be a comma abuser, too, huh?

Yeah...the writing is very poor.  Some of the dialogue, hilarious, but for all the wrong reasons.

There's no ROMCOM here at all, and hopefully, the writer realizes it.  Ending with "this was all a dream" is a weak copout, really.  I just don't see much of a real effort here.

*
Posted by: Warren, February 3rd, 2019, 4:44am; Reply: 4
Hi Writer,

I can't believe how sexual a lot of these scripts are. That's not something I think of when I think rom com. Romantic love, of course. Lusty, over sexualised stuff, not at all.

Pg 3, and you've lost my interest. That took a wild turn.

Glad it was a short one.

This didn't work for me at all.

All the best.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, February 3rd, 2019, 1:15pm; Reply: 5
Hello writer

Bites his nipple off? WTF!

Ah, the "It was a dream" ending.

Sorry but I didn't like this at all - not sure if it was a serious entry? It was hardly a Rom Com

Well done for attempting though

Matt
Posted by: eldave1, February 3rd, 2019, 1:15pm; Reply: 6
Okay - I really hate John out of the gate. Who doesn't like the smell of chocolate?

You can write, that is obvious -  but..

Nope. This doesn't do it for me the minute blood comes gushing out of John's nipple. Seems to be you wrote a horror and then tried to clean it up at the end by making it all a dream. That - a good Rom-com does not make, IMO.

Again - solid writing. But little romance or humor.

Posted by: _ghostwriters, February 4th, 2019, 1:25am; Reply: 7
What you've written is cliched and derivative; "this was just a dream."  I got it, but... can't writers think of something new?  That road has been used so often it has ruts in it.   At least you didn't open with an alarm clock sequence.   In the big book of cliche's that is numero uno.  

Here's a suggestion, let's flip that, turn it on its head.  Although I have to confess...you got a few chuckles out of me. Kudos for finishing.
Posted by: irish eyes, February 4th, 2019, 12:48pm; Reply: 8
Well you made me laugh out loud when she bites his nipple off ;D;D

But this is so far removed from a ROMCOM and the wonderful 'it's all a dream' shows pure laziness.

I think you had your own fun writing it..

Good job on entering
Posted by: Mr. Blonde, February 4th, 2019, 12:52pm; Reply: 9

Quoted from _ghostwriters
At least you didn't open with an alarm clock sequence.   In the big book of cliche's that is numero uno.


Aw, I love the alarm clock opening. Why is it that when we don't like something, it's a cliche, but when we do like it, it's a classic? =)
Posted by: khamanna, February 4th, 2019, 2:13pm; Reply: 10
Not sure about the dream part. I never am. It's way too generic and been used a lot.

But if it wasn't a dream what it would be? I laughed out loud for a long time when I saw her bite his favorite nipple off. I'd say you get rid of the dream part and do something with the rest.

Not romantic to me, strange and I'd say there's not much thinking behind it. But wait till you see what I wrote - mine is worse. So kudos for writing a romcom or whatever this is and submitting to the challenge.
Posted by: Zack, February 4th, 2019, 3:06pm; Reply: 11
This one seems kinda rushed.

Very messy writing. Tons of missing commas result in some awkward run on sentences.

Dialog is hit and miss. But I'll admit, "That was my favorite nipple!" made me crack up. Good stuff.

Not a fan of the dream ending. It's a tough one to pull off properly, and I don't think you did it.

Don't really have a problem with the genre-bending, my entry is flat out being called a pisser by most. Lol.

Good job on getting an entry in.

Zack
Posted by: LC, February 5th, 2019, 1:00am; Reply: 12
Nope, sorry.
Projectile vomiting, bitten off nipples, and then...
It was all a dream.

Do not a RomCom make. Not in my book.
Posted by: Gary Howell, February 5th, 2019, 8:57pm; Reply: 13
Yeah, I'm not really down for having a whole story revolve around a dream sequence, because it didn't mean anything to the point of the story.  In other words, was he really having an affair?  Is he really in love with his wife?  We have no idea, so the whole dream sequence resolves nothing.

The writing is fine, but the humor is slight and the romance is as well. You did get the flowers and chocolate used appropriately and, well, there was plenty of red for sure.

Not really for me, but best of luck with this.
Gary
Posted by: StevenClark, February 7th, 2019, 1:24pm; Reply: 14
Writer,

I guess this script can be summed up by a line you used in it - "No trace of sweetness left." Just kidding. But seriously, this doesn't even approach rom com territory. And if it was meant to be a pisser it doesn't really hit that mark, either. But you appeared to have a little fun with it, and it was short so no complaints there. Hard to actually give this any kind of review as I don't know if it was meant to be taken seriously. Not for me, I guess?

Steve
Posted by: PKCardinal, February 8th, 2019, 1:43pm; Reply: 15
So, that was romantic.

Doesn't feel like a serious entry, so, I don't see the need for a serious review.

Kudos for writing it, and thanks for sharing. I'm betting the next OWC, whatever it is, will be more up your alley. Look forward to reading that entry.
Posted by: Philostrate, February 8th, 2019, 2:17pm; Reply: 16
Hi Writer,

Solid writing on display.

You made me laugh but the bitten off nipple and the projectile vomiting took me off the story.

Not a fan of the dream part either.

Overall - it didn't work for me.

Good job on entering, though. This was a tough challenge.
Posted by: DaveTroop, February 10th, 2019, 10:51am; Reply: 17
Be My Psycho Valentine 2

The second romcom in a row which featured at least one psychopath, a gruesome bloody murder, and a horrific pop song.  (Oops.  I thought Heat by Beyonce was a song.)
Not complaining. Just pointing it out.

Your script may feature the funniest line in the contest, so kudos for that.

Not a big fan of the dream escape.

But, at the end of the day, itís still not nohow a romcom.

Thanks for entering.
Posted by: Spqr, February 10th, 2019, 1:51pm; Reply: 18
An entertaining vignette, but it seems to have missed the point of the challenge. Dream/daydream sequences have become so overused they've become a cliche. In this case, it serves the purpose of stimulating John to cater to Mary. Which he should, cause if he's half the slouch he was in the dream, Mary is definitely going to get rid of him. Which may be the basis for an unusual romcom: shape up or die.
Posted by: jayrex, February 11th, 2019, 3:06am; Reply: 19
I think this one took the piss.  I still liked it.

I guess the romance was in the beginning albeit one sided.

I thought it was funny.  And many scripts here seem to struggle with that.

I'd rank this script higher than one that used drama.
Posted by: Conz, February 14th, 2019, 9:15am; Reply: 20
I uhÖ ok.  I donít have much to say, so I guess thatís good.

She flipped on a dime.

ďThat was my favorite nipple!Ē is a beacon amongst otherwise ďmehĒ comedic lines.

Dream explains it.

There were hints you are funny and creative, just not enough of them.

Not the worst.
Posted by: PrussianMosby, February 14th, 2019, 5:14pm; Reply: 21
Title is good. Logline is okay but just not an overly intriguing scenario per se.

The script is not to my taste. It all feels like a crude slapstick comedy, well it is, and in that certain field it has to be reaaaallly good to get me on board. Out of genre and not my taste.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, February 14th, 2019, 7:42pm; Reply: 22
Thought some of this was quite funny but not really a romcom for me.

Some decent lines though, 'that was my fave nipple' made me chuckle.

But the end twist spoilt it a little for me, I'd have stuck to your guns and gone full grand guignol
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