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Love Terror by - Jedrek Hagan - Short, RomCom - A valentine's anniversary gone horribly wrong when a husband drunkenly arrives home late for dinner. - pdf format
So, I have a theory on this one. I'm almost certain this was written by an OWC veteran (the use of (sotto) implies something familiar with the craft and it's the second use of it I've seen thus far in this OWC). There were quite a few spelling and grammatical errors, the kind you might have if you rushed the script in just before the deadline. This wasn't bad, but it was strange because I wanted to like it more than I did. I think my real issue is that the person who wrote this could go for something better than this. Underwhelming is the best word I could describe this with.
Hahahahahahahah, hold on a second, wtf??? Hahahaha...and repeat... If I can just quote a line - “that was my favourite nipple”!!?
Right, this is clearly someone who’s entered these before (due to the copyright thing on the front page, Don recommended it a year ago from memory), which means a lack of fade out and end is a bit sloppy, but the main issue is that 80% of this is just mental. I mean I’ve written some mad shizzle in these comps but this takes the biscuit!
I really don’t know what to think. You try and redeem the whole thing by the waking up and everything’s fine ending, but it’s probably not enough to convince me this is a romcom. I don’t say that lightly as I fear you may try and hunt me down and cause me bodily harm (joking, I’m sure you’re lovely), but I just can’t take it seriously.
The romance is replaced over the majority of the place with brutality, and the comedy is just brutal.
Errrrrr, maybe okay? Possibly okay? Probably not going to win.
Oh boy...we're off to a terrible start here. No FADE in and mistakes in the opening Slug? Really? You need an apostrophe to show possession. How do writers continually not get this?
And it looks like this will be a comma abuser, too, huh?
Yeah...the writing is very poor. Some of the dialogue, hilarious, but for all the wrong reasons.
There's no ROMCOM here at all, and hopefully, the writer realizes it. Ending with "this was all a dream" is a weak copout, really. I just don't see much of a real effort here.
I can't believe how sexual a lot of these scripts are. That's not something I think of when I think rom com. Romantic love, of course. Lusty, over sexualised stuff, not at all.
Pg 3, and you've lost my interest. That took a wild turn.
Okay - I really hate John out of the gate. Who doesn't like the smell of chocolate?
You can write, that is obvious - but..
Nope. This doesn't do it for me the minute blood comes gushing out of John's nipple. Seems to be you wrote a horror and then tried to clean it up at the end by making it all a dream. That - a good Rom-com does not make, IMO.
Again - solid writing. But little romance or humor.
What you've written is cliched and derivative; "this was just a dream." I got it, but... can't writers think of something new? That road has been used so often it has ruts in it. At least you didn't open with an alarm clock sequence. In the big book of cliche's that is numero uno.
Here's a suggestion, let's flip that, turn it on its head. Although I have to confess...you got a few chuckles out of me. Kudos for finishing.
Not sure about the dream part. I never am. It's way too generic and been used a lot.
But if it wasn't a dream what it would be? I laughed out loud for a long time when I saw her bite his favorite nipple off. I'd say you get rid of the dream part and do something with the rest.
Not romantic to me, strange and I'd say there's not much thinking behind it. But wait till you see what I wrote - mine is worse. So kudos for writing a romcom or whatever this is and submitting to the challenge.
Yeah, I'm not really down for having a whole story revolve around a dream sequence, because it didn't mean anything to the point of the story. In other words, was he really having an affair? Is he really in love with his wife? We have no idea, so the whole dream sequence resolves nothing.
The writing is fine, but the humor is slight and the romance is as well. You did get the flowers and chocolate used appropriately and, well, there was plenty of red for sure.
Not really for me, but best of luck with this. Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
I guess this script can be summed up by a line you used in it - "No trace of sweetness left." Just kidding. But seriously, this doesn't even approach rom com territory. And if it was meant to be a pisser it doesn't really hit that mark, either. But you appeared to have a little fun with it, and it was short so no complaints there. Hard to actually give this any kind of review as I don't know if it was meant to be taken seriously. Not for me, I guess?