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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Love Terror - OWC
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  Author    Love Terror - OWC  (currently 425 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Love Terror by - Jedrek Hagan - Short, RomCom - A valentine's anniversary gone horribly wrong when a husband drunkenly arrives home late for dinner. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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So, I have a theory on this one. I'm almost certain this was written by an OWC veteran (the use of (sotto) implies something familiar with the craft and it's the second use of it I've seen thus far in this OWC). There were quite a few spelling and grammatical errors, the kind you might have if you rushed the script in just before the deadline. This wasn't bad, but it was strange because I wanted to like it more than I did. I think my real issue is that the person who wrote this could go for something better than this. Underwhelming is the best word I could describe this with.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there writer!!

Hahahahahahahah, hold on a second, wtf??? Hahahaha...and repeat... If I can just quote a line - ďthat was my favourite nippleĒ!!?

Right, this is clearly someone whoís entered these before (due to the copyright thing on the front page, Don recommended it a year ago from memory), which means a lack of fade out and end is a bit sloppy, but the main issue is that 80% of this is just mental. I mean Iíve written some mad shizzle in these comps but this takes the biscuit!

I really donít know what to think. You try and redeem the whole thing by the waking up and everythingís fine ending, but itís probably not enough to convince me this is a romcom. I donít say that lightly as I fear you may try and hunt me down and cause me bodily harm (joking, Iím sure youíre lovely), but I just canít take it seriously.

The romance is replaced over the majority of the place with brutality, and the comedy is just brutal.

Errrrrr, maybe okay? Possibly okay? Probably not going to win.

Well done on entering,

Cam

P.S. Please donít kill me


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Oh boy...we're off to a terrible start here.  No FADE in and mistakes in the opening Slug?  Really?  You need an apostrophe to show possession.  How do writers continually not get this?

And it looks like this will be a comma abuser, too, huh?

Yeah...the writing is very poor.  Some of the dialogue, hilarious, but for all the wrong reasons.

There's no ROMCOM here at all, and hopefully, the writer realizes it.  Ending with "this was all a dream" is a weak copout, really.  I just don't see much of a real effort here.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:44am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I can't believe how sexual a lot of these scripts are. That's not something I think of when I think rom com. Romantic love, of course. Lusty, over sexualised stuff, not at all.

Pg 3, and you've lost my interest. That took a wild turn.

Glad it was a short one.

This didn't work for me at all.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Bites his nipple off? WTF!

Ah, the "It was a dream" ending.

Sorry but I didn't like this at all - not sure if it was a serious entry? It was hardly a Rom Com

Well done for attempting though

Matt


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DISCLAIMER: I am an uproduced amateur, if I comment on your work, please bear that in mind
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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - I really hate John out of the gate. Who doesn't like the smell of chocolate?

You can write, that is obvious -  but..

Nope. This doesn't do it for me the minute blood comes gushing out of John's nipple. Seems to be you wrote a horror and then tried to clean it up at the end by making it all a dream. That - a good Rom-com does not make, IMO.

Again - solid writing. But little romance or humor.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:25am Report to Moderator
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What you've written is cliched and derivative; "this was just a dream."  I got it, but... can't writers think of something new?  That road has been used so often it has ruts in it.   At least you didn't open with an alarm clock sequence.   In the big book of cliche's that is numero uno.  

Here's a suggestion, let's flip that, turn it on its head.  Although I have to confess...you got a few chuckles out of me. Kudos for finishing.


THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

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THE SLEEPING TIGER

STINGRAY: SPECIAL EDITION

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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_ghostwriter  -  February 4th, 2019, 2:04am
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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Well you made me laugh out loud when she bites his nipple off

But this is so far removed from a ROMCOM and the wonderful 'it's all a dream' shows pure laziness.

I think you had your own fun writing it..

Good job on entering


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from _ghostwriter
At least you didn't open with an alarm clock sequence.   In the big book of cliche's that is numero uno.


Aw, I love the alarm clock opening. Why is it that when we don't like something, it's a cliche, but when we do like it, it's a classic? =)


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khamanna
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure about the dream part. I never am. It's way too generic and been used a lot.

But if it wasn't a dream what it would be? I laughed out loud for a long time when I saw her bite his favorite nipple off. I'd say you get rid of the dream part and do something with the rest.

Not romantic to me, strange and I'd say there's not much thinking behind it. But wait till you see what I wrote - mine is worse. So kudos for writing a romcom or whatever this is and submitting to the challenge.
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Zack
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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This one seems kinda rushed.

Very messy writing. Tons of missing commas result in some awkward run on sentences.

Dialog is hit and miss. But I'll admit, "That was my favorite nipple!" made me crack up. Good stuff.

Not a fan of the dream ending. It's a tough one to pull off properly, and I don't think you did it.

Don't really have a problem with the genre-bending, my entry is flat out being called a pisser by most. Lol.

Good job on getting an entry in.

Zack


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LC
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:00am Report to Moderator
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Nope, sorry.
Projectile vomiting, bitten off nipples, and then...
It was all a dream.

Do not a RomCom make. Not in my book.


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hawkeye
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I'm not really down for having a whole story revolve around a dream sequence, because it didn't mean anything to the point of the story.  In other words, was he really having an affair?  Is he really in love with his wife?  We have no idea, so the whole dream sequence resolves nothing.

The writing is fine, but the humor is slight and the romance is as well. You did get the flowers and chocolate used appropriately and, well, there was plenty of red for sure.

Not really for me, but best of luck with this.
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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StevenClark
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I guess this script can be summed up by a line you used in it - "No trace of sweetness left." Just kidding. But seriously, this doesn't even approach rom com territory. And if it was meant to be a pisser it doesn't really hit that mark, either. But you appeared to have a little fun with it, and it was short so no complaints there. Hard to actually give this any kind of review as I don't know if it was meant to be taken seriously. Not for me, I guess?

Steve


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