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Love Terror - OWC (currently 1160 views) |
Don |
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:03pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Love Terror by - Jedrek Hagan - Short, RomCom - A valentine's anniversary gone horribly wrong when a husband drunkenly arrives home late for dinner. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Mr. Blonde |
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:21pm |
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AdministratorWhat good are choices if they're all bad?
LocationNowhere special. Posts3064 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
So, I have a theory on this one. I'm almost certain this was written by an OWC veteran (the use of (sotto) implies something familiar with the craft and it's the second use of it I've seen thus far in this OWC). There were quite a few spelling and grammatical errors, the kind you might have if you rushed the script in just before the deadline. This wasn't bad, but it was strange because I wanted to like it more than I did. I think my real issue is that the person who wrote this could go for something better than this. Underwhelming is the best word I could describe this with. |
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Cameron |
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:03pm |
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Guest User
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Hi there writer!!
Hahahahahahahah, hold on a second, wtf??? Hahahaha...and repeat... If I can just quote a line - “that was my favourite nipple”!!?
Right, this is clearly someone who’s entered these before (due to the copyright thing on the front page, Don recommended it a year ago from memory), which means a lack of fade out and end is a bit sloppy, but the main issue is that 80% of this is just mental. I mean I’ve written some mad shizzle in these comps but this takes the biscuit!
I really don’t know what to think. You try and redeem the whole thing by the waking up and everything’s fine ending, but it’s probably not enough to convince me this is a romcom. I don’t say that lightly as I fear you may try and hunt me down and cause me bodily harm (joking, I’m sure you’re lovely), but I just can’t take it seriously.
The romance is replaced over the majority of the place with brutality, and the comedy is just brutal.
Errrrrr, maybe okay? Possibly okay? Probably not going to win.
Well done on entering,
Cam
P.S. Please don’t kill me |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:22pm |
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Oh boy...we're off to a terrible start here. No FADE in and mistakes in the opening Slug? Really? You need an apostrophe to show possession. How do writers continually not get this?
And it looks like this will be a comma abuser, too, huh?
Yeah...the writing is very poor. Some of the dialogue, hilarious, but for all the wrong reasons.
There's no ROMCOM here at all, and hopefully, the writer realizes it. Ending with "this was all a dream" is a weak copout, really. I just don't see much of a real effort here.
* |
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Warren |
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:44am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi Writer,
I can't believe how sexual a lot of these scripts are. That's not something I think of when I think rom com. Romantic love, of course. Lusty, over sexualised stuff, not at all.
Pg 3, and you've lost my interest. That took a wild turn.
Glad it was a short one.
This didn't work for me at all.
All the best. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:15pm |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hello writer
Bites his nipple off? WTF!
Ah, the "It was a dream" ending.
Sorry but I didn't like this at all - not sure if it was a serious entry? It was hardly a Rom Com
Well done for attempting though
Matt |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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eldave1 |
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:15pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Okay - I really hate John out of the gate. Who doesn't like the smell of chocolate?
You can write, that is obvious - but..
Nope. This doesn't do it for me the minute blood comes gushing out of John's nipple. Seems to be you wrote a horror and then tried to clean it up at the end by making it all a dream. That - a good Rom-com does not make, IMO.
Again - solid writing. But little romance or humor.
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:25am |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
What you've written is cliched and derivative; "this was just a dream." I got it, but... can't writers think of something new? That road has been used so often it has ruts in it. At least you didn't open with an alarm clock sequence. In the big book of cliche's that is numero uno.
Here's a suggestion, let's flip that, turn it on its head. Although I have to confess...you got a few chuckles out of me. Kudos for finishing. |
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
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irish eyes |
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:48pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Well you made me laugh out loud when she bites his nipple off But this is so far removed from a ROMCOM and the wonderful 'it's all a dream' shows pure laziness. I think you had your own fun writing it.. Good job on entering |
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Mr. Blonde |
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:52pm |
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AdministratorWhat good are choices if they're all bad?
LocationNowhere special. Posts3064 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
At least you didn't open with an alarm clock sequence. In the big book of cliche's that is numero uno. |
Aw, I love the alarm clock opening. Why is it that when we don't like something, it's a cliche, but when we do like it, it's a classic? =) |
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khamanna |
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:13pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Not sure about the dream part. I never am. It's way too generic and been used a lot.
But if it wasn't a dream what it would be? I laughed out loud for a long time when I saw her bite his favorite nipple off. I'd say you get rid of the dream part and do something with the rest.
Not romantic to me, strange and I'd say there's not much thinking behind it. But wait till you see what I wrote - mine is worse. So kudos for writing a romcom or whatever this is and submitting to the challenge. |
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Zack |
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:06pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4497 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
This one seems kinda rushed.
Very messy writing. Tons of missing commas result in some awkward run on sentences.
Dialog is hit and miss. But I'll admit, "That was my favorite nipple!" made me crack up. Good stuff.
Not a fan of the dream ending. It's a tough one to pull off properly, and I don't think you did it.
Don't really have a problem with the genre-bending, my entry is flat out being called a pisser by most. Lol.
Good job on getting an entry in.
Zack |
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LC |
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:00am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7622 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Nope, sorry. Projectile vomiting, bitten off nipples, and then... It was all a dream.
Do not a RomCom make. Not in my book. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:57pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Yeah, I'm not really down for having a whole story revolve around a dream sequence, because it didn't mean anything to the point of the story. In other words, was he really having an affair? Is he really in love with his wife? We have no idea, so the whole dream sequence resolves nothing.
The writing is fine, but the humor is slight and the romance is as well. You did get the flowers and chocolate used appropriately and, well, there was plenty of red for sure.
Not really for me, but best of luck with this. Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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SAC |
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 1:24pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
I guess this script can be summed up by a line you used in it - "No trace of sweetness left." Just kidding. But seriously, this doesn't even approach rom com territory. And if it was meant to be a pisser it doesn't really hit that mark, either. But you appeared to have a little fun with it, and it was short so no complaints there. Hard to actually give this any kind of review as I don't know if it was meant to be taken seriously. Not for me, I guess?
Steve |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 1:43pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
So, that was romantic.
Doesn't feel like a serious entry, so, I don't see the need for a serious review.
Kudos for writing it, and thanks for sharing. I'm betting the next OWC, whatever it is, will be more up your alley. Look forward to reading that entry. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Philostrate |
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 2:17pm |
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New
Posts341 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Hi Writer,
Solid writing on display.
You made me laugh but the bitten off nipple and the projectile vomiting took me off the story.
Not a fan of the dream part either.
Overall - it didn't work for me.
Good job on entering, though. This was a tough challenge. |
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DaveTroop |
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 10:51am |
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January Project Group
Locationat my desk Posts127 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Be My Psycho Valentine 2
The second romcom in a row which featured at least one psychopath, a gruesome bloody murder, and a horrific pop song. (Oops. I thought Heat by Beyonce was a song.) Not complaining. Just pointing it out.
Your script may feature the funniest line in the contest, so kudos for that.
Not a big fan of the dream escape.
But, at the end of the day, it’s still not nohow a romcom.
Thanks for entering. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
DaveTroop - February 10th, 2019, 10:54am | My bad. | | |
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Spqr |
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 1:51pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
An entertaining vignette, but it seems to have missed the point of the challenge. Dream/daydream sequences have become so overused they've become a cliche. In this case, it serves the purpose of stimulating John to cater to Mary. Which he should, cause if he's half the slouch he was in the dream, Mary is definitely going to get rid of him. Which may be the basis for an unusual romcom: shape up or die. |
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jayrex |
Posted: February 11th, 2019, 3:06am |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I think this one took the piss. I still liked it.
I guess the romance was in the beginning albeit one sided.
I thought it was funny. And many scripts here seem to struggle with that.
I'd rank this script higher than one that used drama. |
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Conz |
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 9:15am |
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January Project Group
Posts349 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
I uh… ok. I don’t have much to say, so I guess that’s good.
She flipped on a dime.
“That was my favorite nipple!” is a beacon amongst otherwise “meh” comedic lines.
Dream explains it.
There were hints you are funny and creative, just not enough of them.
Not the worst. |
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"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
@vc_wg - because I crave attention |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 5:14pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Title is good. Logline is okay but just not an overly intriguing scenario per se.
The script is not to my taste. It all feels like a crude slapstick comedy, well it is, and in that certain field it has to be reaaaallly good to get me on board. Out of genre and not my taste. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 7:42pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4321 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Thought some of this was quite funny but not really a romcom for me.
Some decent lines though, 'that was my fave nipple' made me chuckle.
But the end twist spoilt it a little for me, I'd have stuck to your guns and gone full grand guignol |
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