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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Horror  /  Unforetold
Posted by: Don, February 27th, 2019, 5:22pm
Unforetold by Jason Paul - Short, Horror - A mysterious man visits a psychic on a stormy night. 2 pages - pdf format

For production consideration - No comments required
Posted by: RobbieD, April 6th, 2019, 12:33pm; Reply: 1
Hi Jason,

I really like the imagery at the start of this, it really drew in.

After that, I think things moved too quickly for me:

- The man didn't speak when he entered the psychic's house, she didn't didn't ask what he wanted, he didn't ask how much - they just got straight down to business - seemed odd to me and perhaps a missed opportunity to set things up.

- Also, he came in out of the rain, did he just sit down in wet clothes?

There wasn't any motive too - so I didn't get the set-up?  OK it could have just been a random thing I suppose, but might have been good if the 5x flashbacks were all of murders taking place during psychic readings?

Finally, RE; "Her shocked look quickly shifts from The Man's hands to the chair"

So how could she look from The Man's hands, if he had already moved by then?  Why didn't she feel her hand was empty when he moved?

I think there is a good story inside this one, and like your writing at the start - one to develop?
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