Head Space by Someone - It's amazing what you can buy from Amazon... 5 pages - Short, Horror, Comedy

Hi writer,

Not a bad script. You have the two genres, the place, and the object, although the comedy didn't quite land for me. I can see the attempts though.

The writing is great, one of SS's better writers I'd say. The dialogue is quite natural as well.

Story wise, it was okay.

I remember this in the last Writer's tournament, people stopped using FADE IN and FADE OUT to fit more story in. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with it, I personally like them, but I will be interested to see if it's a common occurrence again and if it's your usual writing style.

All the best.

A decent attempt.

Will be one of the better ones.

A couple of things made me chuckle... can't remember what they were now, but that's probably my fault as I'm back on the joints today. Pink skins! This all went south at the end - forgive the pun. In a horror comedy, you're meant to mash the genres together seamlessly, not have one stuck on the end of the other. Doesn't work for me. The comedy worked. The horror worked. But the twain together, do not.

It is my opinion, that horror in a comedy should still be funny. That's why this didn't work for me.

pg. 1 - description of office, Benjamin, and Melanie are excellent. Except instead of ‘gesticulates’, which made me scratch my head for a few seconds, I would simply put ‘gestures’.
pg. 1 - “Cling-film answer” this also confused me at first. I think “Shrink-wrap answer”, would be easily understandable by all and make this joke funnier.
pg. 3 - ‘Benjamin shakes the doll’s body… Nothing’, this didn’t make sense to me because normally when you shake a bobblehead’s body the head shakes also.
pg. 4 - “Genuinely, stop.” this sounds awkward to me. Instead maybe try something like: “Stop. I’m serious.”
pg. 5 - The ending was my favourite part. Very cool, violent moment in the script. I would not include the continuous head-bashing, that may look a little too silly. Instead I would end it on a scarier note with maybe a creepy line of dialogue from Melanie after the doctor is first struck and while he is screaming.

I enjoyed this, it was definitely a horror/comedy, though much of the humour I thought felt flat. I thought some lines of dialogue could be improved, and more could be added to make this funnier.

Wow if I wrote something like that it would fit in two pages.
Nice work, easy to read simple story that makes sense.
Its actually horrific and fun and the last bit is particularly funny to me for some reason.
Good work writer

First one I've read. Not bad. The writing is solid, easy to follow. The dialog isn't awful, but it's not particularly funny. And I didn't get any sort of horror vibe from this.

This seems like a 2 pager that's been stretched to 5 pages. There just isn't a lot of story here.

Good effort.

Hi Writer,

Quoted Text No, Pediophobia is the fear of dolls.

Clever play on words.

Second script of the bunch, second script where the doll is a replica of one of the characters, wow, writers really think alike...

Quoted Text They send the instructions, link to a scanning app for your phone... whole kit and caboodle.

The name of character and cont'd are missing, this suggest me that you wrote this on a hurry, if so, good job, not bad if you were in a rush.

The story is okay - very talking heads, but the dialogue is good, which compensates.

Not bad, but not great.

You met the criteria - the location, the object and the two genres - so that's a plus.

Good job,
David

Is the doll meant to be Mel B from the Spice Girls?

Yeah written pretty good but the old horror jammed into the comedy doesn't mix as Dustin pointed out

Remember - Shaun of the Dead and Scream are just spoofs of horror movies with the gore thrown in to make it more over the top

I love the premise of the 3D printer replica Bobblehead doll.

Some flow problems with the dialogue imh.
Really though, stop.
Genuinely, stop.

The ensuing story didn't quite grab me. A bit repetitive with her recounting her plight and getting nowhere with the doc, and the horror just seemed tacked onto the end. A promising idea that you should redraft without time constraints.

P.S. Crows-nest hair?
Do you mean beehive hairdo or even just big hair?

Hello writer

"This is Mel B" - Ha! that made me laugh

This therapist seems very antagonistic towards his patient - constantly calling it a doll when she has told him not to - Maybe it's part of the therapy, I don't know I haven't had therapy - it just seems like he is purposely trying to wind her up.

Expertly written, easy to read and follow.

But for me, a bit too slow to get to where it was going - the build up to the horror/danger didn't quite work for me as it got a bit repetative without heightening - the "she doesn't like it" kept coming up but didn't move up to the next level - if that makes sense - then, the jump between that and killing the doc felt too great a leap.

More of a transition of genre than a fusion - as in, the comedy in the begining, horror at the end (I'm not going to mark you down for it, i'm just saying)

Anyway, the comedy worked for me - the horror also worked for me (creepy as hell), but I think the build up to the horror could have got me there better

Top work, will get some of the highest marks I think.

P.S writer, I have your number.... again  ;)

Head Space

p 2/3 wrong page break

Okay, brutal ending here that checked the box…

I wasn't a big fan of the whole but it certainly felt you actually fought to get it done and make it as good as it could be.

It seems you just didn't find a more captivating scenario in this short timeframe we had. However a very cool ending has given some spice to it. The dialogue felt a little monotonous. A solid work. Keep going.

Well written for sure.

This is a silly thing... but, I'd rather you cut some of the repetition in the middle and give a FADE OUT. Yes, it's a personal thing... but, I feel... incomplete. Like... where's my FADE OUT? Or, is there a page missing?

Anyway, it's a bit straight line. Two people talking. Is there a way to tell this same story more actively? Because, the idea of her cutting herself and accidentally printing a 3D doll (sorry) that comes to life is a pretty good one.

All in all, a strong effort by a good writer.

For me this was light on comedy.  The horror I suppose was horrific.  It's strange how the story goes from Mel not liking the bobblehead's head flicked to her doing it herself to herself.  If anything she should have had an orgasm when he flicked her head.  Wasn't consistent for me.

I'm not sure that I like the explanation of Chucky to explain away this story in the making.  It's like saying copycat but I'm different.

The ending was good though.

I felt like I was missing the ending on this one. So The ending is Mel crushing Benjamin’s head in by flicking Mel B’s head?  Just because he disagrees with her that Mel B is a doll?  

My thought on that is you’ve made Mel an unsympathetic character and we’re essentially forced to root for the doctor. I don’t think that was your intention, so I would go for a different ending, like he turns to flick the dolls head, but now the doll is on his shoulder and banging him int the head - but not because Mel is doing anything.

Agree with some others, need to cut this some and get the fat taken out of it. The writing isn’t bad, just too much of it. Also need to ratchet up the humor here. Not so much of that on display as it currently stands.

Best of luck,
Gary

One of the more interesting ones, and the bobblehead was the story, so good job there.

I felt the ending came out of left field a bit. It wasn't set up well enough. Instead of just "Really though, stop" and "Genuinely, stop", Mel should have been getting much angrier and threatening. A pot about to boil over. And instead of smiling at him before bashing his head in, she should be screaming, fed up with not being believed. She should draw that bobblehead back until the spring is stretched and we should anticipate what is about to happen. Then the ending would have impact, pun intended.

I say that because I love the visual of Mel's head bobbing back and forth like a jackhammer as it smashes the doc to death. To make me love it even more, make him deserve it. Maybe he experiments by tapping the bobblehead and seeing what happens, or trying to catch Mel faking it, much to her annoyance. Make him be a jerk about it, intentionally or not. Make us want his face smashed in. Do that, and I'll cheer enthusiastically for Mel when it happens.

You can cut the Child's Play stuff, it just bogs things down. Plus, rights issues.

Great writing, great visuals. Very well done.

Good writing. Story doesn't move the needle for me. I'll score it reasonably well based on the solid writing.

Not a bad idea that she thinks her blood has caused the doll replica to become infused with her spirit. But the story doesn't really do anything interesting with that premise. Or really anything interesting. The solid writing makes it an EASY read...but there are really no elements in the story that kindle any interest.

While the humor dind't move me, I do recognize the attempt. It absolutely hit comedy.

But horror? There was no tone of menace, no hint of horror until the last quarter page where she head butts him into a pulp. I have the most expansive possible notion of what horror is, but I have a hard time considering this horror.

Anyway, average scores, good luck in the next round! I suspect you're capable of hitting one out of the park!

Mel's character was good, but Benjamin seemed to exist only to receive her punishment. And why is Mel here in the first place? She doesn't seem the type to voluntarily seek therapy. If her presence here was court-mandated, then would Benjamin treat the doll so cavalierly, knowing that Mel wouldn't react well to it?

How many of these have started out with the oh so generic Slug, "INT. PSYCHIATRIST OFFICE"?  So simple to make the Slug unique by changing it to "INT. DR. PATERS' OFFICE".

And once again, we don't have actual ages.

I read this and then read the reviews, and I'm rather shocked at all the praise for being so well written and such a strong entry.  I don't get any of that.

There's really no comedy and no horror here...well, until the last few passages, but that in itself, is not horror, it's just poorly executed violence that would never play out like that.

All in all, we have a talking heads script that goes on way too long and brings nothing interesting to the table.

I don't see anything remotely funny.  I had to look up Cling Film, but I still don't see any humor.  I actually skimmed over it again, and just don't see any attempts at humor even.

The end "horror" element is poorly done.  As Doc turns, we're to believe Mel was able to move right net to him, and he didn't realize it?  We're to believe that 1 headbutt smashes his nose and brakes his glasses into his corneas?  Damn.  No.

Story - almost none
Characters - weak
Dialogue - nothing great
Prose - OK, but nothing great by any means
Criteria - No comedy that I can see.  I really don't see any attempts even.

This had its moments but then it just ended. I thought a page was missing but the limit was met. A bit drawn out with definitely a high level of goofiness here and it entertained. It seemed that the Doc was purposely provoking her, which wouldn't be too cool.

Decent job. Met the challenge? I've got to dwell on that one.