Melt by FCP - It's easy for a Psychiatrist to spot delusions, as Monsters don't really exist, do they? 5 pages - Short, Horror, Sci Fi

Hi writer,

Good writing in display, excellent character descriptions.

The action is dense, way too dense and I think you'd know that, page 3 in particular was a slog. I imagine it was an attempt to fit the whole story into the page count, that kind of feels like your pushing the rules a bit, so you either lose points by breaking the page count or lose points by blowing out your action. Funny thing is you still had a bit of space to work with.

Props for going horror sci-fi as opposed to horror comedy. The story wasn't anything groundbreaking. The only thing that really sets it apart is the bobblehead and that's there because of the challenge.

This is definitely a competent writer, the story just left me wanting. Will score high for craftsmanship.

All the best.

This is the first fully formed story I've read. The elements are all linked together and all play out to a complete whole.

It's clear that it's a bigger story than the 5 pages allowed, and the writer has used every cm of the page to squeeze it in. That makes for a slower than usual read for a five pager. Outside of the contest it could use a little more breathing space.

I think the over the top monster could just as easily be replaced by a more low key "replica" who just murders as a human would. That would lower the budget and also, perhaps, be creepier.

The introduction of the Technicians and the Engineers was lazy.

Other than that, it was very good. The bobble-headed doll was used inventively and played a major role in the story. The genre fusion was spot on.

I particularly liked how the monster was also a victim in its own way and that in a story featuring a psychiatrists office, there was such a strong psychological bent to the action.

I'd like to see the ending remain ambiguous, personally...but get why you went for the stinger at the end. I think it should just fade out with the Professor, and the audience, wondering if it's the same doll.

About as good as a five page horror/sci fi that has to use a Psychiatrist's Office and a Bobble-Headed doll is going to get.

Bobblehead doll MUST play a major part in the story is what lets this down for me so far. The writing in this is great... but that effing bobblehead doll. Jesus.

Code Francis backs away towards the exit. The scientists try to flee, but THE NODDER with its bulbous, bobbing head is upon them, its limbs extending to prodigious lengths...

And that sees me out.

I can see that some of these stories are going to be reaching... for the effing stars.

It was all a dream... but it wasn't really... or was it?

The story is well crafted... however, the bobblehead doll still lets this down for me. It's just too delusional and out of nowhere. The whole laboratory thing. Fair enough, 48 hours... but still. The premise for this is good... isn't it always for stories like this? However, there is no rhyme nor reason for it. Fair enough, it's shown earlier that the patient has an irrational fear of inanimate objects... but this only extends to the bobblehead doll. Why? If it is only the doll that causes this, then why? I feel that needs to be answered for this to work.

Science over magic/witchcraft as a way to make us question whether the doll really is possessed by some of kind of shapeshifting ability. I get it... but it doesn't work as well as magic in this instance. I don't feel that that part of the story works.


For 48 hours though... maybe it's not so bad.

Some good description, shows a writer with some talent. For example, sagging bookshelves.

Perhaps a little dense with description. Dialing it back would create a faster read.

Difficult to avoid comedy when the parameters included a bobble head. That was the main issue here. The story attempts serious sci fi horror...I think. Actually I'm really not sure what's going on. Are they trying to create a bobble head replica of Moorehead, one infused with his personality? That would be a very strange thing to want to do, and it would beg that this fusion genre also include comedy. But that would be three genres. I think it  might have made more sense to remove the horror elements and focus on sci fi comedy with this story.

The story also seems to scream comedy when the shrink tosses him the bobble-head with a comment about "exposure therapy". I think the writer actually really wants to make this comedy but is holding back because of the requirements. Freed to go where he/she wants, they could have some fun making living replica bobble heads!

What is an Alsatian bobble head? Is this bobble head in the shape of a dog? That kept confusing me.

writing note: the MC is called Prof Francis, Prof Moorehead, Francis. When I saw "professor Francis" I had to double back to make sure there weren't two professors.

My notes sound harsh, but we only had 3 days and parameters that were a real challenge. This story really didn't come together, but I suspect none of them will.

pg. 1 - ‘Next to it a name: PROFESSOR FRANCIS MOORHEAD’ I think the name on a file like this wouldn’t state the patient’s profession.
pg. 1 - ‘We catch’ you added too many spaces between these words.
pg. 2 - missing spaces in your first scene-heading.
pg. 3 - Very cool monster design, and very graphic violence.
pg. 4 - Considering how crazily the engineers and technicians were killed, I think the police wouldn’t rule out some kind of monster as the culprit.

This is my favourite tourney script I’ve read so far. Very cool sci-fi elements being introduced, and loved the carnage of the monster.

Also, I like your title and title page, they're cool. I feel all screenplay titles should use unique fonts that will reflect their concept, and help set expectations. Really hope this becomes an industry standard.

Really interesting concept. Very imaginative.

Some chunky writing that could easily be tightened up with a rewrite. Lot's of run-on sentence. Both Francis and the Nodder should be capped when they are first introduced.

I have no idea what the scientist's were trying to do with their experiment. Enjoyed the gory massacre, though. :)

Also liked the image of the bobblehead melting at the end.

Not bad at all.

This won me over. It suffers a bit from overwriting and "unfilmables" but the concept and execution work well - on paper. I can imagine this looking very silly on screen if not executed quite right.

Well done. I'll remember this one.

Hello writer

I enjoyed this - a clever story which I enjoyed.

Action and descriptions are quite dense, my read wasn't as laboured as I thought it would be though, so it is well written - I get the impression that some of those blocks of text have been combined to reduce page count.

Criteria has been hit for me, this is an accomplished writer.

Well done

I feel like I'm sometimes a poor reader and miss things, and seeing people digging this, decided to go back and give this a third read.

I guess I'm still missing the picture. As far as I can tell, a scientist is trying to
a) create a molecular replica of a dog bobblehead, and
b) transfer his own personality into it

I am completely baffled by that goal. Would it be so they could sell animated dog bobbleheads? And that is "going to change everything"?

Already a plot like that demands comedy. Why choose a bobblehead? Why choose a DOG bobblehead?

Then the bobblehead, mad with the various psychological impulses of the creator, morphs into a dog/man(I guess that's why a dog bobblehead was used, to allow for the morphing into a monster), destroys the lab and everyone in it.

The scientist escapes. The last we see of it in this scene,  the monster, frustrated that it can't escape, decides to shrink itself back to a dog bobblehead. Weird, but convenient for what is to come.

So our scientist is presumably committed for the murders. Apparently police reconstructing the murder scene could not determine that these murders , victims with smashed heads and stuff, could not have been done by the doctor.

Or maybe he's not in for murder. Maybe the cops just never determined what happened? The shrink does tell him they should be able to let him go soon. The shrink treats it all very casually, which is probablly due to the page limitation. Nonetheless, this guy, in his eyes, either is a murderer or has witnessed brutal killings, so it's very strange that he treats it so casually.

And though the evidence would have all been boxed up, someone sold the dog bobblehead on Ebay...where the shrink bought it, and casually tossed it to the patient to take to his room with him.

I'm not picking on the writer. Once bobbleheads and fusion became the requirement it was likely every story was going to be absurd to a degree. What's shocking to me is that no one else seems to be seeing all this absurdity here. When that happens, and knowing how talented many of the reviewers are, I tend to wonder if I've going a little crazy in the head myself.

Pretty good for a five pager. More of a sci fi/horror blend here. Your descriptions and settings were well thought out vivid. However, a lot of reading here and unnecessarily so. IMO, is definitely tighten it up and lose so if the prose.

Steve

Kevin,

I read it again to see what you were on about : You're way off.

They've invented a substance that can replicate absolutely anything down to a quantum level. So one bucket of the stuff and you have absolutely anything you want. They also want to be able to control it, I think.. So it's like another version of you you can send out to do stuff. Or be a doctor, a soldier or whatever.

The first thing they do is copy a doll, the second a laptop. Then they see if they can control it by thought. It works, they create a man like replica, but unfortunately it also transfers the Professors repressed emotions.. Self hatred, guilt etc and it goes crazy.

It takes on the form of the dog because that was in its memory from the first test.

He's not committed for murder, but for being delusional. They don't believe there was a monster, plus he's understandably scared of objects, as he's invented a monster that hates him that can take on the disguise of anything.

The doll was not from Ebay. That was a lie the Doctor told him. We have to imagine the Doctor requested the doll from the Police for therapy purposes. We know the doctor is in contact with the Police as he has a Police Report.

Thank you for the explanation, I was lost on some things.

Perhaps due to the page limitation, they do rush from doll to laptop to human.

Which is all still strange. Starting with a bobblehead would be odd. Then, rather than examine it(there is an instant scan), they move on to an electronic device, which they don't bother to open and see if it works. Everything is moving VERY quickly. Again, the page limit, but still.

Then they move on to a living thing. But instead of making their first living thing a mouse, or perhaps a real Alsatian, they go right to the scientist running the show. That screams Mystery Science Theater 2000.

When the attack is over and the creature can't escape he returns back to the doll. I don't think that being its first memory really explains that as much as the contrivance needed to set up the next act.

So the cops now consider this the scene of an industrial accident, and Moorehead is committed because of his delusional explanation. Kind of a reach. The scene was clearly one of violent murders. No indsutrial machines were present that the police could attribute it to.

And the part where the doctor just casually throws him the doll with the comment about "exposure therapy" really would be effective in comedy, but here it seems very out of the blue and odd. Again, contrived. With more space it could be perhaps worked to make more believable. But here the doctor literally just tosses it to him as he's being taken away for the night, as an afterthought kind of.

Again, I beg the writer's forgiveness. All of these stories are very flawed due to the weird parameters and the time and page limits. Nature of the beast. I enjoyed some of the description writing. The story itself seems to have a few more absurdities than expected, but this was a weird challenge.

Don't know, it seems like you're really reaching to find problems that aren't really there, to me.

I think we take it for granted they've done other experiments.

As for the murder thing, you're just writing that into the story on your own. The technicians were lifted high into the air and had their faces smashed in. Another split all the way in half. Clearly no human could have been capable...they'd just leave it as an open case.


Personally I don't eee it as a contrivance setting up the next act. He's scared of bobbleheaded dolls precisely because of what he saw. The Doctor is seeing whether he's fit for release by using the actual doll that caused the start of the 'delusions'. It's not contrivance, it's cause and effect.

Each to their own, though.

I'll make this my last on this, don't want to hijack the thread.

I was certainly not looking for problems. I don't know the writer. I've gone out of my way to try to find the positives in all the scripts. I did the same here, though I felt the story itself had a Mystery Science Theater feel to it. I had not read the other comments when leaving mine, I never do.

I sometimes glance back at comments, as I did here, and I was kind of surprised at the reaction. So I figured I must have missed something. I gave it another quick read, and in my re-read I did miss some things. Thank you for pointing them out.

It doesn't change my impression. The lab scene feels way over the top, which is fine if done on purpose. Would the creature immediately shrink back to a doll if the writer didn't need it to? Would a doctor just casually toss a doll from the scene as he's leaving the room? What does the doctor think happened at that industrial accident? Heads were smashed, people were stabbed. While he might fairly assume Mooreland is delusional. that still leaves the accident scene at the lab unexplained. Pretty hard to treat him without knowing what really happened.

Like you said, to each their own. Other people seem to enjoy it, so I'm happy to say it must be me!

Well written for the most part.

I loved this:

Quoted Text The poorly lit office displays the meagre trappings of an overworked state facility. Shelves sag with psychiatry books while dusty filing cabinets overflow with dark secrets.

Great description.

Some of the action blocks were a bit dense IMO - I'd break them up into smaller chunks.

Nice effort

You totally sold me on the genre here. Some hard-core sci-fi.

The story is a bit overthought for me. Too much I'd say, but whatever.
If there's a way to simplify it I would.

A lot of characters starting from the very beginning. But they are experimenting, I guess it fits the story.

I didn't like the use of elipses. Too many and out of place. I understand they are scientists that want to stress everything they say to place more importance on their words. But there are rules to the use of elipses, too.

Crafty story that almost lost me. I wasn't invested in your characters too much. Maybe you'll find a way to show off your characters with the next rewrite.

Hmm. Unusual title page. Let’s see where that takes us.

First page- how does a building “lurk”? Lurk is a verb, and as an inanimate object, a building can’t do anything.

“Assigned by genetics to handle difficult patients”?  Why didn’t the genetics assign him to play football or be a SEAL team member?  Okay, I need to just read the script and not focus on these asides.

Okay, finished reading. This is actually pretty good for this Challenge. Met the criteria very well of fusing the horror and sci-fi. It also leaves you with a question of actually did or did not occur.  

Deft writing on display, if not a bit overwritten in places. Overall a good job here.

Best of luck,
Gary

I enjoyed this one.  For me this meets the criteria.  It does remind me of the liquid terminator.  Especially with the blades.  I would have thought the bobblehead would play a larger part in the lab.  Although minor, it was still good.

Whenever I see "Mental Hospital", I have to laugh - does anyone really call a Mental health Facility, a Mental Hospital?  Maybe it's just me, but I doubt it.

2nd passage way overwritten.

Not sure how many times I'll have to repeat this, but why do peeps continue to repeat their Slug in the line that follows?  Why waste the space?  Why be repetitive?  Why do you want to irritate me?  ARGH!!!

Oh man, this is getting rough, as everything is just so overwritten, and every description seems like an irritating aside.

Thank you for formatting the Flashback correctly!  Finally..someone gets it!!!  YES!!

A 5 line passage now?  Damn...why are your passages so damned dense and overwritten?

OK, WTF is supposed to be going on in this Flashback?  Why is it happening so quickly?  They scan this, then that, then a human?  No testing?  Just, here we go?  Very unrealistic and unbelievable.  I think it's a problem not naming these technicians and engineers.

"We've done it! This is going to change everything." - This sounds like a comedy or even a pisser, with this kind of dialogue.  And, why is it coming from Engineer Two?  Wouldn't the Professor be the one to exclaim this?  Very goofy!

Getting goofier line by line.  This "stuff" or this "replica" changing into different things is goofy.

What's The Nodder?  Why is it blaming all these people for killing the Professor's wife of all things?

Another 5 line passage that is just so insanely overwritten and just 1 long run-on sentence.  ARGH!!!

And now a 6 line passage that should actually be several.  Oh man, you're killing me.

So, after killing everyone extremely violently, this thing just goes back to a bobblehead?  Oh boy...

And then the doctor somehow has the same bobblehead in his possession and makes the Prof have it in his room?  Bad doctor!!!

OK, the end - which is well done, but everything leading up to it is so over the top.

Basically every single passage is overwritten and needs to be broken up into 2 or 3 separate passages.

The Sci Fi is well used, but only in a Flashback.  I think the structure of the script is off, and I know 5 pages isn't nearly enough to tell this tale.  I don't think using a bobblehead helps here at all.

Story  - Very unique

Characters - All very dumb or unrealistic

Dialogue - Not bad, not great.

Prose - Poor (other than the Flashback  ;D).

Criteria - Yep, you're fine here.

I got pulled into this, so that's a good sign.

The action blocks are overwritten, as has been pointed out. That said, they're very well written.

But, I suspect we have a novel writer making the transition to screenplays. Again, it's all very good, just not helpful for this form. I imagine making the jump from one form to another would be very difficult. But, (if I'm right) you should definitely stick to it, because you've got game.

Concentrate on the essentials in your action blocks. The file cabinet description is superb. But, it has no place in a screenplay. It actually, oddly, serves to slow down the read.

All of that said, I for one, actually really liked the visuals of the liquid molting into different forms. The idea of transference was fantastic. Just picture that scene -- this giant aquarium with this man's worst/best moments playing out before him. Excellent.

Pull back on the fluff in the prose and your screenwriting will, I suspect, really take off.

You're very close.

Mental hospitals are known as nuthouses around here... not saying I agree with it.

I'm fine with calling them anything in the slug, even asylum, which is no longer used. We get the point. If there is an opening shot with the name of the facility, then it might need to feel accurate. Here in my state they're still called mental hospital, as in Worcester State Mental Hospital...where I currently reside.

I can't believe people want to lengthen it out to Mental Health Facility. Who has time to say all that?

I have no problem with nuthouse, asylum, mental hospital, mental health hospital, cuckoo's nest or MSNBC. All the same!

Excellent writing. It could use a little more room to breathe during the action, but you were trying to get it all in five pages so you did what you had to.

Good sci-fi, good horror, a solid story, but a few quibbling questions. Chiefly, why did the Nodder lie dormant for so long? Is it really only motivated to kill him because it is him? Talk about self-loathing!

You jumped to calling it the Nodder without any proper introduction. I had to go back and see if I missed something.

Also...why a bobblehead? Because it had to be a bobblehead. It doesn't fit at all except for the requirement.

The ending fell a bit flat for me. I think I would have preferred him getting out and finding the bobblehead waiting for him somewhere or something. I just don't believe a doctor would do that, or have access to something from a crime scene, or that the Nodder was able to hold up to all scrutiny until that point. It stretches beyond believability.

Nice job though, one of the stronger ones.

Very ambitious and written pretty well  but it became a bit messy towards the end as if the writer wasn’t sure how to end it.

The first scenes are very over described which leads to early skimming. The lab scenes were cliched with the out of control monster (Nodder is not a good name for it lol)   But overall a good concept and it’s good you tried something different

Can't think of anything that would improve it.

Quoted from Spqr Can't think of anything that would improve it.

NOPE...it's absolutely perfect as written!  NOT...

Melt

Fancy title page is going to cost you one point on the writing side from the go

p1 oh, this reads out of touch novelistic

The whole story felt just overblown. Sorry, not the kind of story presentation I can enjoy.

Really enjoyed this one.

I think the flasback scene was a little over written, read a tad like prose... but it didn't spoil my enjoyment or appreciation.

Loved the end image too.

Good job

Title page is not the place to get cutesy with font.

Wow, with all that introductory detail, you forgot to introduce FRANCIS except for on paper. I didn't know he was there.

Who's Professor Moorehead? He's not introduced either. Oh, Francis is a professor too? Wait, I gotta look up Alsatian... oh, German Shepard.

The Nodder? WTF. Wow, pg. 3 and I'm out. It's taking too much effort to read. Sorry.

Okay, this is a first for me. Read over the comments and most peeps seems to really like this so I'll try to read it to the end....

Nope. Too much detail in all the wrong places for me. Just not my bag.

Hi Writer,

I enjoyed this one. A little over-written, but the atmosphere and the visuals were pretty good.

The idea of transference was cool, but it lost power due to the constraints of the challenge.

I think that you did a good job with the fusion of genres, and the script ticked all the boxes for the parameters.

Lose the bobble-head, tighten a little the writing, and you'll have a good short.

Well done,
David