I'm Being Watched by 48 Hrs. Writer - A man obsessed with conspiracy theories visits his psychiatrist to tell her that he's being watched by bobble-head dolls! 5 pages - Short, Comedy, Sci Fi

I like this one.  Certainly met the criteria for me.  I would give Barry a matching grin to go with the crazy eyes.

The only thing I'd change is the receptionist first like to "You may go in".

Suggestion, when Barry drops off the UFO tapes, perhaps the tapes are tested and somehow that's linked to your ending?

Hi writer,

I really enjoyed this one, right until the page five reveal. I thought it was a fantastic setup, great writing, strong dialogue, but that ending really threw me and not in a good way. The comedy was nice and subtle, I thought, in the beginning, then page five just drives it too far.

One of the better ones so far. I'd personally like to see it reworked with a different ending.

All the best.

I thought this one was okay. It had a good set up and pretty much ticked all the boxes.

I have a couple of thought. First, ditch the receptionist scene and just start right in the doctor’s office. Saves you half a page.

Second, I agree with Warren - that scene with the aliens, although clever, detracts from the rest of the script. I’d rather see something like Barry leaving the office and the doll turns to the doctor and say something like “he’s on to us.”  Might have a better chance of getting this made as well without the alien scene.

First one to really merge two genres, so good job. Overall a good effort here.

Best of luck,
Gary

Well, I was really enjoying it. Really really enjoying it until the last scene. What was it about? Aliens? No, the ending didn't work at all. Eh, why? Why??

Not thrilled with the title.

I'd much rather just read and comment afterwards, but I can't here.

Opening scene is a complete waste, but that's not the worst thing going on right out of the gate.

You name your first character, "YOUNG RECEPCIONIST" - with Receptionist spelled incorrectly - you do this 5 times in the first half page!  Using "young" in front is a total mistake, and it looks just redonkulous.

You write, "...types in a computer." - in a computer?  No.

Later, you write, "...in a couch" - the use of in is just plain old incorrect.

"His look fixed on a Doctor’s bobblehead doll resting on a nearby desk." - Awkward and confusing.

On Page 1 alone, you've talked about character's eyes 4 times and referenced looking or glancing several times.

This is not a montage - it's a Flashback...or several Flashbacks.

Story - There is a story here, much of it told through a Flashback, and then the "reveal" at the end.  The alien thing is pretty crazy, but not in a good way.  It's a mistake, IMO.

Characters - Well, although cliche, for the most part, not terrible by any means.  The aliens are funny, but again, their inclusion completely sinks this script.

Dialogue - Nothing memorable, other than those damned aliens.

Prose - Not great by any means, as pointed out above.  Many awkward phrasings, odd little things, typos, misspellings, etc.

Criteria - Although the use of bobbleheads is very random and strange, it's also prevalent.  Comedy is paper thin until the aliens pop up...as is the Sci Fi element.  So, it's tough to really judge and score.

For e, i'll say the criteria was met, based on the final page, but I'm being generous and your score will most likely come out higher than it should, as this is not a very good script, by any means.

Yeah bit of a mish mash this one. There is some vague comedy and there is a bit of sci fi tacked on at the end.

Good to see the writer tried something different. It kind of works so good job.

This genre fusion seems to take a good script and make it meh. I liked up until the attempts at humor, which just seemed out of place. If it could've stayed with just Sci-Fi, it would be a great little story.

The dialog was a bit stale but it had to tell the story in such limited page count. The characters were fitting but didn't really stand out as being unique.

That said, it's one of the better that I've read so far but I got a long way to go.

Good job, writer.

This was going great, then it just fell off the cliff.

The ending took it from good to downright terrible.

I'm Being Watched

It's not bad at all, but to me the script feels a little smooth and safe with its flashback montage that explains the plot as a whole. Well, the criteria are certainly hit and the ironic tone also felt consistent. Then somehow it went along and … possibly it's the characters – and that I didn't really connect with anybody. For a little amusement I need some more. However it was truly okay, just felt so safe.

Hello writer

Last one for me - and it's a Sci-Fi comedy - please be good  :)

I was enjoying this, but it didn't end up going somewhere I wanted to go - it wasn't terrible, I guess I am just a little dissapointed.

There were chances for the comedy to be ramped up, some lost oppurtunities - I like the angle of spying aliens though - good use of the bobbleheads.

Ending felt a bit flat - sorry to say

Writing was solid enough

Good effort

Loved the setup.

Wish you'd stuck with the paranoia and it did in fact turn out to be a Big Brother scenario with a twist, or a tech company spying and he's the only one savvy enough to have cottoned on amidst all the sheep.

That Montage is not btw. Should be a flashback.
And a few odd phrasings e.g.
Assholes, I shouldn’t have betted
for them! Should be: on them
And: show me the money (not in keeping with your Alien characters imh).

Enjoyable and entertaining setup nonetheless.

notes as I read:

Wouldn't a receptionist at a shrink's be used to weirdos? His behavior would not be that weird there.

End notes

The writing is very, very solid. Part of the concept is very good: the idea that these dolls are spying on him.

The humor doesn't really hit me. I won't substract anything on the criteria for that, the tone and effort were clearly humor.

The sci fi was there: aliens. So this passes criteria.

It will score well with me in every area except story. It didn't really hit me as funny. Even the whole idea of the betting aliens...surely they can find more entertaining things to bet on.

But solid scores for a capable writer, on to the next round!

I liked the idea and setup.

Not sure you need thereceptionist bit.

Barry is a well drawn character and I liked him.

I know it's a comedy but didn't think she'd take his file and bin it like that.

The ending felt a little left field and I wasn't convinced.

But decent effort.

I'm not as thrown by the aliens as everyone else is. But, I do agree that playing it just a bit more straight would probably be more interesting. For example, it really is the government spying... and, we discover that Barry is valuable for some reason that even he doesn't know.

The use of the bobbleheads was great. I really like the core idea. With more work, and maybe a few more pages focused on the core "conspiracy", this could be a fun short.

I think a good rewrite is in order. It's a short worth more effort to get right.

Good story. Would have liked to see how the alien bobbles intend to defeat the humans. What kind of weapons do they have? Perhaps they should kill Barry at the end.

Hi Writer,

Good idea and setup, but it needs a little work.

The comedy is light, but kind of worked for me.

The ending wasn't terrible, but it came out of left field and didn't fit with the rest of the story.

I'd echo other people comments and say that you should rewrite it after the tournament with a different ending. It has potential.

A good effort, though.

David

Writer,

I've read a few now and this is my fav so far. It just seems more complete than the others. The comedy landed well, and the payoff was pretty good for something so short. Good job!

Steve

Barry takes his Panama hat out of where? Exits to where? I first took it as he left the office.

Would a receptionist in a psychiatrist's office call a patient weirdo? Seems to me she would have seen all kinds of people come through there.

The writer uses weird wordings IMHO, but I'm no English expert, so this is not a correction, just thoughts as I read since it jumps out at me. She types "in" a computer. He sits "in" a couch. I would use on in both cases. A British thing?

Since it appears that Barry has seen the Doc before and she's aware of his bobblehead doll issues, it seems to me that she would either hide the doll before her session with Barry or she left it out on purpose. Very unprofessional of her to leave it out by accident, IMO.

There's nothing to be afraid "of"...

I don't know what the page constraints are for this WT, but I would've liked to see a little more from the psych session. The Doc digging a little deeper into Barry's mind.

Final thoughts:

Bobbleheads were part of story. Check.

Fusion of genres. Drama - sci-fi? Could be comedy - sci-fi, but if so, it didn't quite hit the mark. I'd like to think you went for drama - sci-fi. Check.

The story was fine. Has potential to be something bigger. It was coherent and I had no problem following it.

Good job.  :)

I was on board for this one until the last scene as well. It turned what was a pretty good entry into a joke. I guess that was supposed to be the comedy in it. It isn't funny to me, but it is there, so technically you meet the criteria but it's a total genre switch just for the challenge.

I will give you props for giving a female character a good intro. Otherwise character is hit and miss with some unrealistic traits from the doctor and the unprofessionalism of the receptionist. Barry is okay but flat, and I didn't care for the aliens at all. Kang and Kodos from the Simpsons would have been better than the Beevis and Butthead we got here.

The writing mistakes aside, it's visual and the pace is good. Not a bad entry, and it could be a good short outside of the challenge if you change the ending.