The Rat Pack by Willard - Just another day in the sewer as three rats try to stay entertained. - Short, Comedy

A light and occasionally charming little story.

It was essentially a stand up routine featuring a Rat. The jokes, while not bad, didn't have the strength to carry the whole story.

EDIT: If the writer has any intentions of carrying this forward, I would suggest that you give your team of Rats something to do. An adventure to go on, or going off what's in the script as written...they should be the ones to bring the Criminals to justice.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text They relax and watch the flow for their next meal or a source of entertainment.

I love a good aside, but this serves no purpose and is impossible to portray on screen.

Quoted Text FRANKY Dunno, Dino. What are you? JUNIOR A Rattus Dumbikus?

This went completely over my head. I know there's a joke there but I don't get it.

Quoted Text DINO (cont'd) (beat) Get it? A pie-rat?

boom-tish.

Quoted Text not out humor

Is this missing a word or two?

Mentioned it in another thread but not a fan of the comic book sounds. I guess for these scripts it's maybe the best was to signal the whistle blast. I just don't like the way they looks in a script. Also 3 lines every time you use one, that's wasted real estate in my opinion.

Quoted Text JUNIOR I bet this ain't the first time those two convicts slid into a shitty manhole.

Nope, I don't like this kind of stuff, not my kind of humour at all.

And that's it. Not really much of a story, just some bad jokes (intentionally). The whistle is very under used, it's there, but has no real baring on the story.

This isn't for me, sorry.

The writing was good though, nothing jumped out at me.

All the best.

Quoted from Warren Hi writer, I love a good aside, but this serves no purpose and is impossible to portray on screen. This went completely over my head. I know there's a joke there but I don't get it. boom-tish. Is this missing a word or two? Mentioned it in another thread but not a fan of the comic book sounds. I guess for these scripts it's maybe the best was to signal the whistle blast. I just don't like the way they looks in a script. Also 3 lines every time you use one, that's wasted real estate in my opinion. Nope, I don't like this kind of stuff, not my kind of humour at all. And that's it. Not really much of a story, just some bad jokes (intentionally). The whistle is very under used, it's there, but has no real baring on the story. This isn't for me, sorry. The writing was good though, nothing jumped out at me. All the best.

How can you not get the Rattus Dumbikus joke?

You know what the word "Dumb" means surely?  ;D

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films How can you not get the Rattus Dumbikus joke? You know what the word "Dumb" means surely?  ;D

He's holding the toothpick out like a sword and says "Rattus Dumbikus", sorry I still don't get it.

Quoted from Warren He's holding the toothpick out like a sword and says "Rattus Dumbikus", sorry I still don't get it.

His friend is saying he's a dumb rat. Rattus = Rat in Latin. Dumbikus = Dumb (which is not Latin, of course).

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films His friend is saying he's a dumb rat. Rattus = Rat in Latin. Dumbikus = Dumb (which is not Latin, of course).

Okay got it, I thought there might have been more to it, apparently not.

Maybe you can clear up any other jokes I don't get as we go along.

Well I thought it was funny, maybe not laugh out loud, but it raised a chuckle.

I'm not sure I got the final joke - is it just literal?
Regardless, it was very enjoyable.

It's a reference to homosexual sex in prisons.  Shitty manhole....Male anus.


What's going on with you Aussies? I thought you were famous for your sense of humour?

This isn't my script btw...I just like to read other comments and reply to them, create a bit of back and forth.

Code JUNIOR I bet this ain't the first time those two convicts slid into a shitty manhole.

This is on page three and is a big shift in tone. I'd actually lowered my reading age to the 3-7-year age range. This joke, however, brings it to an over 18. That's very, very jarring.

Ah... and there it ends. Spoiled.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films It's a reference to homosexual sex in prisons.  Shitty manhole....Male anus. What's going on with you Aussies? I thought you were famous for your sense of humour?

;D You know what, I just came back to say: Ah, I get it! And you jumped in, Rick. Admittedly I was a bit slow on the uptake but that line does change the tone. In my defence I was looking for another funny line but that one is quite abrasively literal,.

Opening passage does not seem to be written for a comedy and it shows very little life, right out of the gate.

"They relax and watch the flow for their next meal or a source of entertainment." - Huh?  Talk about an unfilmable.  Man of man, not good.

So, when you "first" intro a character, the name or whatever you chose to use, needs to be CAPPED.  In this case, it's "three RATS".  Sure, when you actually give them a name, you CAPPED correctly, but you sure took up alot of space to intro 3 characters.

"Rattus Dumbikis" - Is this supposed to be a play on something I'm not familiar with?  On it's own, it's just not at all funny.  The pie-rat joke was much better, but again, not very funny.

So, another poor attempt at humor, but at least there are attempts and now things seem to be in a comedy type way.  BUT, we're already 1 1/2 pages in and the entire script is just barely over 3 pages, so it's looking like there ain't gonna be no story here, huh?

"swims back to the pack" - I don't know if I'd call 2 rats a pack.

TWEEEEE - is this a how a whistle sounds?  I don't know, but it's irritating just to read that.

Last joke is indeed funny, but it completely changes the context here, in terms of tone and who this is for.  It's a little jarring to say the least.

Story - Absolutely no story here at all, as I could tell after reading the 1st page.  Literally no attempt to craft any semblance of a story.

Characters - Well, the 1 rat who keeps trying to entertain his mates has character.  There's not much to any of these 3, though, and the other characters who literally run by, have zero character.

Dialogue - The humor is mostly all miss and there's nothing going on, but actually, IMO, your dialogue isn't bad.  It's definitely not good, but you'll get a few points here at least.

Prose - It's not bad by any means, but it sure ain't jumping off the page at me, screaming, "I'm a great writer, damnit!"  Again, not great, but far from being bad.

Criteria - Yep, check.  Comedy, although not very funny, a sewer, and a whistle, although barely used.

The Rat Pack

title not in courier 12

Well, with some minor changes (the hepatitis line f.i.) I truly could see this as a short kiddy animation segment which they add to those weekend morning shows. It's not very different to what they do there if you, as said, leave out the adults stuff.

It had a charming tone throughout. As a whole, the story wasn't exciting to follow or rewarding. There simply was no clear circle drawn I guess, call it storyline. Still as a continuing segment within a show, it should work.  

It was pretty okay.

Quoted from PrussianMosby I truly could see this as a short kiddy animation segment which they add to those weekend morning shows.

Come on, kids. Gather round, your stories are starting.

Nek minnit...

Quoted Text JUNIOR I bet this ain't the first time those two convicts slid into a shitty manhole.

:P

The black rat should be named Sammy

Oh wait Junior.... hmm close enough I guess lol

Quoted from stevie The black rat should be named Sammy Oh wait Junior.... hmm close enough I guess lol

The red rat should be named "Hagar", for The Red Rocker!!!

Others have pointed out the odd shift in tone at the end, so, I won't. (Except, I guess I just did.)

I was smiling through most of this. It was just fun.

Agree that there was no story at all. Just a day at the "beach" for these little rats. I wish we could have followed these guys through a story, with the same banter along the way. That would have been more fun.

And, if you're going to call them the Rat Pack, and name them as such... shouldn't your story play on those elements more directly? Wouldn't this be set in the sewer's "Vegas" area? Or, at the very least... a sewer in Las Vegas, with all the Vegas sewage floating by. Sure, it's more adult, but then the last joke doesn't get too much more adult.

Still, a mostly good job.

Hello writer

Do police officers still use/carry whistles? They used them back in the day when bobbies still walked the beat in order to call for back up (pre radios) - in England anyway.

Quoted Text JUNIOR I bet this ain't the first time those two convicts slid into a shitty manhole.

Wow - not a kids animation then lol

It's not much of a story - more just a scene. Big tick for the criteria, didn't see too much character. Well written and an easy read.

Well done under some tough conditions, but it's not the strongest of entries - deffo not the weakest - middle of the road.

It�s okay.  When I started reading, seeing talking rats and the pie-rat joke.  I thought this was aimed at children.  Then the tone shifted with the hepatitis joke, then cops as pigs, and lastly the shitty manhole joke.  The criteria has been met.

I�d rewrite this and change the direction aimed at children.

The writing is fine, flows well and only an odd missing word or two stood out.

There was definitely attempts at humour, because in essence the majority of jokes are delivered like a standup routine.

Which unfortunately means there's little in the way of actual story.

The last joke, as mentioned, is a massive swerve... if tyou do re-write this I'd drop the last joke... or make all the others 18 rated

Hmmm...this is more of a scene than a story. A rat trying to impress, who? The boss?

Characters had some development. Kind of got the feel for each one. Were the jokes supposed to be groaners? If so, nailed it! Got to admit I chuckled at the end. Dialog was the strongpoint and decent prose. Got a good mental image on this.

For me, it was just amateur night at the comedy club. Nothing to the story really except as a set up for the rats to spew one liners.

The writing is decent and you obviously have quite the imagination. Just wished you used more of it in focusing on the story.

Just not for me. Sorry.

Hi Writer,

This one was okay. There's not much story, but I liked that you injected some personality into the characters and it was fun. Actually, this line made me chuckle:

Quoted Text JUNIOR Disgusting? Gross? A new hepatitis statistic?

But this other was a major shift of tone:

Quoted Text JUNIOR I bet this ain't the first time those two convicts slid into a shitty manhole.

And an unnecessary one imho.

Overall, I enjoyed it. A decent effort. Probably it's not going to be at the top, but neither at the bottom.

Good job,
David

Hi
So this is a sketch.
So, the characters are there. The dialog is good.
I'm not taken with the story. And I've seen much better sketches that have a point. This one was kind of not easy to get. It's too light for my tastes. No punchline. I say that if you ever write "they laugh" it means that you know your audience doesn't want to laugh and you want them to understand when it's time to laugh. Hope it's not too unclear.
It would be hard to score this one. I mean it does hit the mark on most things, but it's not a complete story. On the other hand it's a sketch and no one said we can't write sketches for this.

This slice-of-life story proves that rats make lousy standup comedians. This story was entertaining, but my problem with it is that the characters aren’t doing much but passing the time. There’s no plot here, so little room for characters to show who they are.

For what the story is. It’s works okay for me.

I give you props for the jokes. It’s hard to come up with word play. Like the pie
rate joke. I couldn’t have wrote that on my own.

Making the rats different gave it good dimension.

I would have like to see if they were good or bad rats. Maybe they helped the cop catch the crooks; or they help the crooks get away.

The hepatitis line was funny.

Well done.

Finally a script that stands out! First in two weeks. No, it's not quite ready for Pixar, but this is good writing.

The writing is clear and flows. Never a need to re-read a single thing.

The characters pop as well as characters can pop in a challenge like this.

Here's a writer that has all the skills needed to craft a story that can SELL. Can craft a story that grabs the reader's interest and HOLDS it. This is close to the one I've been waiting for the last two weeks. A writer that really rises up with his or her talent.

The one flaw here is the actual story. I mean it's almost impossible to have a complete story in one of these 5 pages/72 hour challenges. And this writer only used 3 pages.

The whistle kind of ruined it, but the whistle ruined most or all of these stories.

The robbers being chased by cops didn't do much for me.

But the rats stand out so well that this easily rises to the top of my chart. Which may be a bad sign based on the last round!

Reading through comments. I can see where people say it's a shift in tone at the end. Maybe. Or it also shows Junior and Franky have a very different sense of humor than Dino. So it IS consistent in that regard. Close call. I guess on consideration I agree with the others, probably not the best ending.

I see Rick defended this a lot. Hopefully it is his script....I was harsh on his last one.

Title and log work for me ... since we are in the sewer for all of these!

Pet peeve of mine.. but I hate looking at anything but industry standard ... the spacing is all off. Just my opinion.

Wow this was not funny at all to me. I'm sorry.

And then the gay joke at the end was just tasteless.

Maybe the shit is getting to me :) reading all these tonight!

Way over-written first page, but it picks up after that thankfully. The jokes were all groaners, until that last one which was crude adult humour. I didn't mind the shift with that joke because it comes from Junior and Franky finds it funny but Dino doesn't get it, it works because the other two didn't get Dino's jokes before that. Representing two different styles of jokes, and you set it up really well. The comedy is the strongest part about this, and that's no small feat. This is structurally great comedy.

Unfortunately, it's just a joke, not a story. The characters are strong, the dialogue works, the writing is pretty good once it gets into its groove.