Payload by Jet Sanitizer - A routine plane flight hides a deadly secret 4 pages - Short, Horror

Once again, a lot of story packed into four pages this time.
Has someone been watching Killing Eve? This scenario of the sanitizer as a vehicle for poison crossed my mind too.

I found the Zombie element - the dead re-animating, at least - a little over the top, but some nice writing in here.
I think what's missing for me is a clear protagonist or hero.
I suggest someone reject using the sanitizer. If I got on a plane and they wanted everyone to use it, I'd be suspicious and get off pronto.

Met all the criteria.

Another one that met the criteria, so respect for that.

The story was harmed by a lack of a central character trying to achieve something. It was a vignette of an event, not an actual story.

Definitely met the criteria, so kudos there.

Seems an odd choice of calling the voice over person THE RUSSIAN.  “The”  implies that we know the Russian, even though we haven’t been introduced to him or her.  Is this someone acting on behalf of the Russian government, or is it an oligarch who will somehow benefit from the destruction of the USA? We don’t know the reason for the sabotage, so it’s just a little convoluted.

How do the Russians know that this virus won’t somehow make its way back to Russia? Just another thing that struck me as curious.

I think the lack of someone to build the story around somewhat hurts the story.  Even in a short film we need someone driving the film forward, and I don’t think that can be the Russian.

You did have some vivid descriptions and the script took a grotesque turn, so good job there. Overall, okay for me — I just felt like I need someone to connect with in the story.

Best of luck,
Gary

Opening line is not a complete sentence.  Do you have to write in complete sentences?  No, but often, when you don't, it reads awkwardly, as this does. "cleaners" and "caterers" both need to be CAPPED, as this is a first intro and these are characters.

"A bottle of hand sanitizer sits in a frame so people can use it." - I can't picture this to save my life!  This is on a United Airlines passenger plane?

1st and 2nd passages are awkward, rough, not well written.

The VO is out of place and just comes across very oddly.

"embarkation tunnel" - Not sure where this is supposed to be taking place, but this sure reads oddly.  Oh wait, now we get a SUPER.  Chicago O'Hare?  Doesn't sound like the airport I know very well.

If we're inside the plane, why would a "Terminal Announcer" be heard about gate info?

I still am clueless about this "tunnel".  Are you talking about the jetway?  There are other names for it, but it sure isn't a tunnel of any kind.

"Passengers appear from the tunnel. Their tickets are checked at the door. The hostess points out the sign and they usethe sanitizer before they board." - The more I read this, the more evident it is that the writer may have never been on a plane, as all this here is completely incorrect, at least in America.  Tickets are taken before the passenger gets on the jetway.  Also, earlier, you said the "frame" with the sanitizer was on the plane, now you're saying passengers are using it before they board.

"This continues on for the next few minutes..." - HA!  So, you're saying your 3 1/2 page script is going to run alot longer than it should, then, huh?  You really want to film this scene for several minutes?  Why?  OH GOD...

OK, so now it's night?  You know a flight from O'Hare to NYC is only about 2 hours long, and in September it stays light pretty late into the evening.

"The jet airliner rumbles on towards NYC. The cabin crew move down the aisle with food trolleys. Passengers read, watch movies, play mobile games, doze. A routine sort of flight..." - So many mistakes in this passage.  1st sentence has absolutely nothing to do with the scene we're in, and is completely unfilmable.  Next 2 sentences are different thoughts and shots.  Last sentence is an aside.  Let's also understand that food would not be available on such a short flight.

Mistakes in every single passage, so I'll stop bringing them up.  Writing is atrocious, hopefully it was a rush job.

"INSERT - the hand sanitizer is longer in its frame..." - WTF?  It got longer?  Where again is this "frame"?  Unbelievable.

"Faces morph into hideous beast heads." - Oh man, you're killing me.  "beast heads".  Classic.

The wording in the Flashback is just so incredibly awkwardly written.  It's almost pisser-like, it's so bad.

WOW, so now we move to a new Slug - "EXT. COCKPIT", and we can somehow see all this action taking place inside?  Really?

Then we go to EXT AIRCRAFT?  Is this supposed to be remotely serious?  

The End.  Where to begin?  Sorry, but the entire story, plot, and execution is just terrible.  So unconvincing, so unrealistic, so goofy.  The VO from the Russian is again, just ludicrous.

Let's think for just 1 moment here - why in the world would this plan be started in Chicago, then on to NYC?  If anything one would think it would be on a plane coming into the country from a different country.

Scoring-wise, since I'm out this round, it doesn't matter, but let's just say this should be somewhere way down the scoring ladder.

A pretty good writer at work. Some hiccups, but we only had 72 hours.

The story doesn't do it for me, and obviously it's the hand sanitizer at the root of the problem. Using sanitizer as the vehicle for some crazy attempt tp destroy the country by turning people into monsters is over the top.

Also, is the biological component viral? Will it spread from person to person? One has to assume this is the plan. If so, this is not an effective way to implement it.

I really wish people would just write the story they want and give the criteria object some kind of role. When people keep trying to make the object essential to the plot we end up with some very over the top stories.

It's hard to like something that doesn't have its main character. I read stories like that and I've never been a fan of them.
But kudos for writing something for the challenge.
The genre is there. The sanitizer is too.
It wasn't an easy read at all though. Sorry, I must be honest.

As others have pointed out, this would be much stronger if we had someone to follow.

And, logic problem: no antidote, easily spread... this thing gets to Russia pretty quickly. So, really bad plan.

Just okay overall. Multiple mistakes/typos drag the read down, and the story (while fine) just wasn't strong enough to pull the script through the problems.

Hmm.

The idea of a Russian plot is a cool one. Certainly meets the parameters.

This would be enhanced if there was a real protag somewhere. These are just nameless, faceless people.

Nice writing. Though as everyone said, there is no protagonist, I think this can work as an opening sequence of something bigger. But there were some logical problems with this story like if the virus has no antidote, why Russians will take a risk? It can reach there too. But overall I liked it.

This was pretty well written. I like the idea of the HS spreading a virus like this. Another script used this too.

I had read it through then realised there is no dialogue apart from the voiceover guy who I presume is some type of terrorist?  The scenes from outside the plane stumped me for a sec but then they made sense.

Bit of horror in there so criteria met. Good effort as this was a very tough challenge. Will read a few more now

This reads more as a situation happening.  We haven’t been introduced to any main characters.  Which is fine I guess if you was writing a feature and this was just a beginning.

The Russian dialogue is a little off putting to me. Even if you wanted him a mystery, I would have liked to see someone listening to him other than me the reader.

Writing is decent. Use of the sanitizer was good.

Description of the monsters was good. I like how they ripped each other to shreds.

You could have had a least one passenger that didn’t sanitize and play off that. ( Just an opinion)

While it needs work, it’s not a total loss.

All the best

Hello writer

Oooo, the cleaner swaps out the bottle of hand sanitizer, I wonder what it is? and why? how intriguing...

Quoted Text THE RUSSIAN(V.O) Gentlemen, even as I speak, our plan is in motion. The bottle containing the virus is in place. Our agent made sure the pilots were already on board. We don�t want them to...touch our little surprise for the U.S.A.

...intrigue dead, I've just been told what it is.

November 2019 - odd choice, I hope there is a reason

I've never seen hand sanitiser when boarding a plane... is this an American thing?

Quoted Text This continues on for the next few minutes...

Holy crap, have I got to watch people board a plane for a few minutes? how tedious... no, you don't want us to watch that - so why did you include this line? the mystery continues...

"Suddenly" - hello my old friend lol I still don't know why screenwriters use this word, it's a bit redundant

"They aren�t werewolves or zombies or vampires." - they are also not gremlins, Umpa Lumpas, Ewoks or toilet seats... You want to tell us what we are seeing, not what we are not seeing. We need visuals. give us the key features so we can picture this in out minds.

Too much non-visual artsy writing for my taste - Seems a waste of space in a 5 page limit.

Sorry, if I've banged on about this in your previous round entries - but the overwriting is immense "The pilots guide the jet onwards." why do we need this? we know the pilots are doing what pilots do - If I was you I would really work on this area of your writing, including what is necessary and cutting the dead wood.

Who put the hand sanitizer in the cockpit? no one has been in or out.

oh OK, you have just told us in a flashback - Seems a bit pointless to do it in a flashback, there's no tension in it, no suspense. "oh the sanitizer is in the cockpit, have they used it? who put it there?.... 2 seconds later.... yup, they used it, put in there earlier off screen" - Ok you didn't have long to write this up, but there must be a better way.

"The United States will collapse" - yea along with Canada, Mexico, south America... and then presumeably, the rest of the world - very irresponsible of the Russians lol

OK - overwriting aside - I like the idea of this. I would rather you didn't tell us the entire plot in the first 30 seconds. We need a protag to root for - a passenger who didn't use the gel, fighting the beasts, we can then follow their journey, we will be invested in them and want them to survive against insurmountable odds. Also build up some conflict, tension - this was missing that I felt.

Good use of the gel - and a good story, just poorly executed - But you know, 72 hours is tough

Payload

The Russian might be a good villain if you give him some screen time and more profile. Actually this is one which stayed quite true to the horror genre and I enjoyed the carnage. It wasn't perfectly tidy but nothing truly annoyed me. It misses a main character, or alternatively the Russian should be stronger and take more space. However, a nice little slasher of you.

Well done, but this was more of a documentary than a drama. If that’s what you intended, fine. But there are no characters to cheer for or jeer against. No stakes are raised. Events happen without anyone on the plane being aware of what’s happening. The beast fights are good but they’re all beasts by now, so who do you root for?

Hi writer,

Quoted Text This continues on for the next few minutes...

Hopefully you don’t want the viewer to watch people getting on a plane for a few minutes.

Quoted Text makes small chat

has a small chat

Not sure what to say about this. It's hard to enjoy a story when there is no one to care for. We are literally just observes of this thing that happened. I have no emotional connection to any of it.

I don’t really think you pulled off whatever you were trying to pull off. Hit and a miss for me, sorry.

Criteria has been met.

All the best.

I try not to make a habit of commenting/responding to other comments, (sorry, Warren) but I meant to add this to my review, and forgot.

I could be wrong but I think the writer means: 'small talk'.
polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters, especially as engaged in on social occasions.

In a longer script it'd be a cheat. In a fiver-pager I understand the need for brevity, but you're effectively asking the actor to improvise, or that it would be MOS.

Quoted from LC I try not to make a habit of commenting/responding to other comments, (sorry, Warren) but I meant to add this to my review, and forgot. I could be wrong but I think the writer means: 'small talk'. polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters, especially as engaged in on social occasions. In a longer script it'd be a cheat. In a fiver-pager I understand the need for brevity, but you're effectively asking the actor to improvise, or that it would be MOS.

Either way, but yes that seems more likely, makes no difference to the scoring for this one.

I think this suffers from having no real protagonist or antagonist.

But it does have an interesting use of the sanitiser and is definitely horror... and you avoided the cliche zombie angle.

Unfortunately without any characters to root for I struggled to engage.

Not a big fan of this one. It met the criteria with no issues but it's just not very interesting. You can almost hear the maniacal laughter from the Russian. Why would anyone unleash a contagion without an antidote in this day and age? Give it a day and it'll be all over Russia, too. They really didn't think this one through.

No characters, except for the Russian, so really no points there; and no dialog, just V.O.

"This continues on for the next few minutes" is not going to work on screen. You can drop this line entirely, or use a series-of-shots if it's important to show many people boarding.

The way to highlight a sign is either with a FAVOR: or INSERT: directive in the action. Something like
FAVOR: Placard above the dispenser reads in bold letters "REMEMBER YOUR HYGIENE IN THIS FLU SEASON AND PLEASE CLEANYOUR HANDS." (not sure the exact wording is important, but it's fair to tell people how you envision it)

When something is FAVORed, the director will highlight it in some way... center on it, illuminate it, etc. An INSERT focuses this part of the scene almost exclusively on that object, and usually ends with RETURN TO SCENE.

The comment about what the people are not is not necessary.

The dialogue is a bit on the nose, but it kinda works in that explaining-to-someone-else-as-we-watch-it-happen way.

The logic issue (beyond a virus somehow creating biomass from nothing) is that a 100% communicable disease with no antidote isn't going to stop at the US border.

More hand sanitizer delivery agent! This time those pesky Russians are up to their old tricks.

The V.O. kicks in at just the right time. You say the people don't turn into zombies or werewolves or vampires, fine. But really they're just rabid werewolves without the cool werewolf abilities.

You didn't need to do the flashback, you would have set up nice anticipation if the flight attendant had entered the cockpit just before everyone turned. And more V.O. so we know the plan is going off the rails.

I thought this would have been one of those near-miss tales, the destruction of the U.S. narrowly averted due to one flight attendant's thoughtfulness. But no, you wanted the destruction to continue, so the goop survives to infect someone on the ground. So the whole point of this story is to tell how the goop got into the U.S. But it was already coming to the U.S., the Russian plan is fulfilled, there's no central character that comes out of this, there was no plan to stop the flight that ended up failing because the flight never made it...it's basically meaningless.

Also...what's to stop the virus from killing the whole world, Russians included?

Nice idea, good horror, the writing is decent. I got the most character from the caricature Russians, which isn't a good thing. Good effort though.

Quoted from FrankM When something is FAVORed, the director will highlight it in some way... center on it, illuminate it, etc. An INSERT focuses this part of the scene almost exclusively on that object, and usually ends with RETURN TO SCENE.

I learned something new. i've never seen FAVOR before. Thanks for sharing. (Don't take this comment to mean this is my script. I just saw the review and this stood out. Might be my script. Might not.)

The ending was a little confusing.  Like the man decided to use the gel/liquid/lotion from the HS whilst he's in the middle of a search of the downed plane?  But it's like he knew it was deadly and decided to infect himself?  I assume that from the grins wryly.  It's a little odd.  But if that man was say Russian.  And you made him speak as oppose to the V.O. Russian.  Perhaps I'd see where you're coming from with the United States will collapse line.  The idea is essentially very similar to my own.  It's a decent thought if I do say so myself.  The story overall is alright.  Could be better executed for me.  It does meet the criteria though.