SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 21st, 2023, 10:54am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The Sept OWC Writers' Choice and Who Wrote What and a special award have been posted

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Payload - WT3 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Payload - WT3  (currently 1147 views)
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 9:50pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Payload by Jet Sanitizer - A routine plane flight hides a deadly secret 4 pages - Short, Horror

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 12:20am Report to Moderator

The Great Southern Land
Posts Per Day
Once again, a lot of story packed into four pages this time.
Has someone been watching Killing Eve? This scenario of the sanitizer as a vehicle for poison crossed my mind too.

I found the Zombie element - the dead re-animating, at least - a little over the top, but some nice writing in here.
I think what's missing for me is a clear protagonist or hero.
I suggest someone reject using the sanitizer. If I got on a plane and they wanted everyone to use it, I'd be suspicious and get off pronto.

Met all the criteria.

Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:52am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Posts Per Day
Another one that met the criteria, so respect for that.

The story was harmed by a lack of a central character trying to achieve something. It was a vignette of an event, not an actual story.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
Gary in Houston
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 11:54am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
Definitely met the criteria, so kudos there.

Seems an odd choice of calling the voice over person THE RUSSIAN.  “The”  implies that we know the Russian, even though we haven’t been introduced to him or her.  Is this someone acting on behalf of the Russian government, or is it an oligarch who will somehow benefit from the destruction of the USA? We don’t know the reason for the sabotage, so it’s just a little convoluted.

How do the Russians know that this virus won’t somehow make its way back to Russia? Just another thing that struck me as curious.

I think the lack of someone to build the story around somewhat hurts the story.  Even in a short film we need someone driving the film forward, and I don’t think that can be the Russian.

You did have some vivid descriptions and the script took a grotesque turn, so good job there. Overall, okay for me — I just felt like I need someone to connect with in the story.

Best of luck,

An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
Guest User

Opening line is not a complete sentence.  Do you have to write in complete sentences?  No, but often, when you don't, it reads awkwardly, as this does. "cleaners" and "caterers" both need to be CAPPED, as this is a first intro and these are characters.

"A bottle of hand sanitizer sits in a frame so people can use it." - I can't picture this to save my life!  This is on a United Airlines passenger plane?

1st and 2nd passages are awkward, rough, not well written.

The VO is out of place and just comes across very oddly.

"embarkation tunnel" - Not sure where this is supposed to be taking place, but this sure reads oddly.  Oh wait, now we get a SUPER.  Chicago O'Hare?  Doesn't sound like the airport I know very well.

If we're inside the plane, why would a "Terminal Announcer" be heard about gate info?

I still am clueless about this "tunnel".  Are you talking about the jetway?  There are other names for it, but it sure isn't a tunnel of any kind.

"Passengers appear from the tunnel. Their tickets are checked at the door. The hostess points out the sign and they usethe sanitizer before they board." - The more I read this, the more evident it is that the writer may have never been on a plane, as all this here is completely incorrect, at least in America.  Tickets are taken before the passenger gets on the jetway.  Also, earlier, you said the "frame" with the sanitizer was on the plane, now you're saying passengers are using it before they board.

"This continues on for the next few minutes..." - HA!  So, you're saying your 3 1/2 page script is going to run alot longer than it should, then, huh?  You really want to film this scene for several minutes?  Why?  OH GOD...

OK, so now it's night?  You know a flight from O'Hare to NYC is only about 2 hours long, and in September it stays light pretty late into the evening.

"The jet airliner rumbles on towards NYC. The cabin crew move down the aisle with food trolleys. Passengers read, watch movies, play mobile games, doze. A routine sort of flight..." - So many mistakes in this passage.  1st sentence has absolutely nothing to do with the scene we're in, and is completely unfilmable.  Next 2 sentences are different thoughts and shots.  Last sentence is an aside.  Let's also understand that food would not be available on such a short flight.

Mistakes in every single passage, so I'll stop bringing them up.  Writing is atrocious, hopefully it was a rush job.

"INSERT - the hand sanitizer is longer in its frame..." - WTF?  It got longer?  Where again is this "frame"?  Unbelievable.

"Faces morph into hideous beast heads." - Oh man, you're killing me.  "beast heads".  Classic.

The wording in the Flashback is just so incredibly awkwardly written.  It's almost pisser-like, it's so bad.

WOW, so now we move to a new Slug - "EXT. COCKPIT", and we can somehow see all this action taking place inside?  Really?

Then we go to EXT AIRCRAFT?  Is this supposed to be remotely serious?  

The End.  Where to begin?  Sorry, but the entire story, plot, and execution is just terrible.  So unconvincing, so unrealistic, so goofy.  The VO from the Russian is again, just ludicrous.

Let's think for just 1 moment here - why in the world would this plan be started in Chicago, then on to NYC?  If anything one would think it would be on a plane coming into the country from a different country.

Scoring-wise, since I'm out this round, it doesn't matter, but let's just say this should be somewhere way down the scoring ladder.
e-mail Reply: 4 - 23
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Posts Per Day
A pretty good writer at work. Some hiccups, but we only had 72 hours.

The story doesn't do it for me, and obviously it's the hand sanitizer at the root of the problem. Using sanitizer as the vehicle for some crazy attempt tp destroy the country by turning people into monsters is over the top.

Also, is the biological component viral? Will it spread from person to person? One has to assume this is the plan. If so, this is not an effective way to implement it.

I really wish people would just write the story they want and give the criteria object some kind of role. When people keep trying to make the object essential to the plot we end up with some very over the top stories.
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
It's hard to like something that doesn't have its main character. I read stories like that and I've never been a fan of them.
But kudos for writing something for the challenge.
The genre is there. The sanitizer is too.
It wasn't an easy read at all though. Sorry, I must be honest.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
As others have pointed out, this would be much stronger if we had someone to follow.

And, logic problem: no antidote, easily spread... this thing gets to Russia pretty quickly. So, really bad plan.

Just okay overall. Multiple mistakes/typos drag the read down, and the story (while fine) just wasn't strong enough to pull the script through the problems.

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Southern California
Posts Per Day

The idea of a Russian plot is a cool one. Certainly meets the parameters.

This would be enhanced if there was a real protag somewhere. These are just nameless, faceless people.

My Scripts can all be seen here:
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 3:52am Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Nice writing. Though as everyone said, there is no protagonist, I think this can work as an opening sequence of something bigger. But there were some logical problems with this story like if the virus has no antidote, why Russians will take a risk? It can reach there too. But overall I liked it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Down Under
Posts Per Day
This was pretty well written. I like the idea of the HS spreading a virus like this. Another script used this too.

I had read it through then realised there is no dialogue apart from the voiceover guy who I presume is some type of terrorist?  The scenes from outside the plane stumped me for a sec but then they made sense.

Bit of horror in there so criteria met. Good effort as this was a very tough challenge. Will read a few more now

Private Message Reply: 10 - 23
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
This reads more as a situation happening.  We haven’t been introduced to any main characters.  Which is fine I guess if you was writing a feature and this was just a beginning.

The Russian dialogue is a little off putting to me. Even if you wanted him a mystery, I would have liked to see someone listening to him other than me the reader.

Writing is decent. Use of the sanitizer was good.

Description of the monsters was good. I like how they ripped each other to shreds.

You could have had a least one passenger that didn’t sanitize and play off that. ( Just an opinion)

While it needs work, it’s not a total loss.

All the best

Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 11:25am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Shakespeare's county
Posts Per Day
Hello writer

Oooo, the cleaner swaps out the bottle of hand sanitizer, I wonder what it is? and why? how intriguing...

Quoted Text
Gentlemen, even as I speak, our
plan is in motion. The bottle
containing the virus is in place.
Our agent made sure the pilots were
already on board. We don�t want
them to...touch our little surprise
for the U.S.A.

...intrigue dead, I've just been told what it is.

November 2019 - odd choice, I hope there is a reason

I've never seen hand sanitiser when boarding a plane... is this an American thing?

Quoted Text
This continues on for the next few minutes...

Holy crap, have I got to watch people board a plane for a few minutes? how tedious... no, you don't want us to watch that - so why did you include this line? the mystery continues...

"Suddenly" - hello my old friend lol I still don't know why screenwriters use this word, it's a bit redundant

"They aren�t werewolves or zombies or vampires." - they are also not gremlins, Umpa Lumpas, Ewoks or toilet seats... You want to tell us what we are seeing, not what we are not seeing. We need visuals. give us the key features so we can picture this in out minds.

Too much non-visual artsy writing for my taste - Seems a waste of space in a 5 page limit.

Sorry, if I've banged on about this in your previous round entries - but the overwriting is immense "The pilots guide the jet onwards." why do we need this? we know the pilots are doing what pilots do - If I was you I would really work on this area of your writing, including what is necessary and cutting the dead wood.

Who put the hand sanitizer in the cockpit? no one has been in or out.

oh OK, you have just told us in a flashback - Seems a bit pointless to do it in a flashback, there's no tension in it, no suspense. "oh the sanitizer is in the cockpit, have they used it? who put it there?.... 2 seconds later.... yup, they used it, put in there earlier off screen" - Ok you didn't have long to write this up, but there must be a better way.

"The United States will collapse" - yea along with Canada, Mexico, south America... and then presumeably, the rest of the world - very irresponsible of the Russians lol

OK - overwriting aside - I like the idea of this. I would rather you didn't tell us the entire plot in the first 30 seconds. We need a protag to root for - a passenger who didn't use the gel, fighting the beasts, we can then follow their journey, we will be invested in them and want them to survive against insurmountable odds. Also build up some conflict, tension - this was missing that I felt.

Good use of the gel - and a good story, just poorly executed - But you know, 72 hours is tough



Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day

The Russian might be a good villain if you give him some screen time and more profile. Actually this is one which stayed quite true to the horror genre and I enjoyed the carnage. It wasn't perfectly tidy but nothing truly annoyed me. It misses a main character, or alternatively the Russian should be stronger and take more space. However, a nice little slasher of you.

Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 7:12pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Well done, but this was more of a documentary than a drama. If that’s what you intended, fine. But there are no characters to cheer for or jeer against. No stakes are raised. Events happen without anyone on the plane being aware of what’s happening. The beast fights are good but they’re all beasts by now, so who do you root for?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006