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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Spores - WT3 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Spores - WT3  (currently 1542 views)
Don
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Spores by Beacher Double Creacher - A ball turret gunner finds himself trapped after his bomber encounters the mysterious orbs known as foo fighters. - Short, Horror


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 12:25am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I struggled with the opening scene a bit. We have a Sergeant who is then described as a rookie, or at least that's what it read like to me. A Sergeant is fairly well up the non commissioned ranks...

The character introductions were non-existent, so it was hard to visualise anybody at all. No ages, no descriptions.

This was another story that used the hand sanitiser to kill spores. If the story was called something else and it was alien bacteria that caused the infection, that might be OK, but the fact you've specified it's spores makes it an arguable fail in the criteria, for me.

I did think the premise is good, though. I could even imagine it as a feature film. WW2 fighters vs UFOS is fun.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  June 18th, 2019, 8:32am
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 7:14am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer


Quoted Text
The rookie nods. Understanding, Jones laughs.


Jones might understand, but I don't lol I am slow though

Interesting stuff, you obviously already know a great deal about WW2 aircraft, or you did your research - either way, well done on that front.

I wonder if this was hacked at a bit to fit into the page count? Just some minor things, like the Bombardier Franks - He appears on page 3 but no mention of him before or after - a bit strange.  

There are a lot of characters, I would cut those down personally - I know these planes have big crews but it's a lot for 5 pages.

Very nicely written.

For a weekends work this is pretty good - a shame someone chose a title very similar to yours.

Oh, and I had to use google a lot for this - thanks for making me feel like an idiot lol


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it

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Matthew Taylor  -  June 21st, 2019, 11:15am
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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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LOVE this title. Sad to see there are two titled this but it's a good title ...

Your logline is simple and to the point.

What I love about this short is that I can see it as an opening to a real scifi/horror feature film that could take place in the present or future even.

I love the vulnerability of the gunner. Sensed the tension all the way through this, especially when it gets down to something that could be much worse than a fighter coming at them!

Really nicely written.. reads fast. Dialogue was great.

Structure feels organic.

The only thing I would suggest is maybe cut down the amount of characters in this leaving it just to the pilot/co and gunner just to make it easier on the read.

GREAT job writer.
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khamanna
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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frying fortress - cabin
sulfanilamide
ball turret gun
It's like you hate your reader.

Why not tell us the ages of these sgt's and the leitenant?
Captain Cooper call Frye a rookie? Or he wants Frye to get that rookie?
So, they were fighting off the enemy and then people died.
I guess your characters failed to capture my attention.
Nicely written apart from the beginning and meets the criteria though.
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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I think I understand the opening sequence... but, it's oddly confusing. Not sure I get the "infection" reference as it relates to Plexi and the Lord's Prayer. (My guess is that he's worried about getting an infection if he gets injured by flak? Is that right?) That, and you mention three items: hand san, Plexi and the prayer... but, then follow with a line about "dousing yourself in both." I knew what you meant, but it added to the confusion.

That opening dialogue is close to being really good, if it didn't confuse.

Nit to pick: He would have been in that turret long before they ever got over Germany.

Done reading: Nice use of the hand sanitizer. Subtle, but effective.

All in all, the story worked pretty well. I was definitely interested in the foo fighters as enemies. I could see this as a part of something bigger.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Spores

Okay. Pretty far in the SF Action territory- until the stalks stuff happened.

It's been hard to keep the overview, especially the O.S. dialogue was challenging beside all the extensive action. Sorry, it wasn't my type of story. Stuff didn't feel focused and self-aware enough for me.



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Fais85
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 4:27am Report to Moderator
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Bit confusing at first but then it becomes a very well written script. great job writer. The premise is nice. The characters are believable. Good job.
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stevie
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Loved the concept and setting as I’m a huge WW2 buff and amateur historian lol   Reminded me of my last OWC script lol.

Needs a lot of tightening up so I guess the writer was rushing. The images of the spore growing from the dead crew was cool!!

Have never heard of sulfanimide but presume it’s a 1940’s hand wash? Anyway good effort this and one of my faves



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Kevin_S.
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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You done a very nice job...

Your words painted a vivid picture of the world they was in and what was happening.

Deleted part of my statement. Leaned a valuable lesson. Google isn’t the all knowing. I know better than just thinking google is one source of info. Sorry ! I honestly just thought was a typo.

Keep doing you.

Well done!







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Matthew Taylor  -  June 19th, 2019, 10:33pm
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LC
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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During World War II white sulfanilamide powders became standard in first-aid kits for the treatment of open wounds, and sulfanilamide tablets were taken to fight intestinal infections. Britannica
&
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21969613

Okay, so sanitizer's weren't invented until the 80s so you went with that.

Good to see a plane in trouble ascending, not descending.

Nice work/writing, few qualms, some great visuals.


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leitskev
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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Quick, to the google machine!

sulfanilamide: apparently used as powders and tablets to treat infection, malaria, fungus. Is it possible someone used it as a cream? I guess.

B-17 Flying Fortress: I always thought they had a crew of 7 for some reason. But wiki says 10. Probably a good idea you didn't try to intro them all. This can't be Jeff's script, he would have felt obligated by rule to intro each of them.

ball turret gunner: yikes, with my claustrophobia I would not do well in that thing. I think a shooting script would have to use different slug breakdowns. For example, when we're focused on the cloud or the incoming fighter. But that would have slogged the read down.

foo fighters: mysterious orbs encountered during WWII. Heard of them. The Allies thought they were secret German weapons, but it remains a mystery. I gather the writer has solved it: they are biological!

Why not give the characters ages? I guess it doesn't matter, but just looks weird.

This reminds me of zombie ants. A fungal parasite infects an ant, which then climbs to the highest leaf and locks onto it permanently with his jaw. Eventually the spores come through the body and shower the uninfected ants below. Mother Nature is pretty dark.

I am guessing the spores are repelled by the sanitizer?

Can you bail out of a plane at that altitude? Stevie would know.

Wouldn't they all be in oxygen masks for the duration? I guess you have to take some liberties for the purpose of filming.

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stevie
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Kev, when you’ve got killer orb thingies hot on ya clacker, you can bail out from wherever you want  



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Spqr
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent. I tried to imagine it in a modern setting, but the visuals just wouldn’t work as well as they do the way you wrote it.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Had to look up foo fighters to make sure they weren't trying to shoot down Dave Grohl and his band.  Turns out they were mysterious orbs or shapes seen by Allied fighters and bombers during WWII.  Learn something new every day.

I'm a WWII history nut, so I'm always on board with scripts dealing with the war itself. This one wasn't really so much about the war but about these mysterious orbs.  We never really learn what they are or where they come from, but I'm not overly concerned about that.

They're are some nit picks around the opening, I think Paul picked up on those and I echo his comments.  But it then picked up and once the orbs are spotted, we're off and running (flying?). Nice descriptive piece and you bring the element of terror into it, so good job there.

I also like how you set up the ending and made him realize that he's only escaped this problem momentarily.  

Overall, good job and good story.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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