What Would You Do...? by  - A germophobe's courage is tested when he has to make a life and death choice. - Short, Horror

Hmmm. Nicely written. It was sort of like a story that never happened, though. The central premise is about a guy being scared to help if it was just him, but the central character is a germophobe...it feels like there's two different things there. The arc from germophobe to confirmed germophobe didn't fully work because of that, for me. There's no horror, either. It's mostly drama with a hint of thriller.

Hola!

John Avery - the feature I'm working on has a character with the same name - This doesn't have anything to do with anything, just thought I'd tell you.

"Wrack his entire body"? Don't know what that means - google doesn't help me either.

"feared missing after a Mayday call and all communications were lost" - surely he IS missing, not feared missing? read awkward to me anyway

Maynard sure is an interesting character, and I really liked the V.O monologue reminiscing about his brother. The story just didn't satisfy me that much, maybe it was the ending, can't quite put my finger on it - it was intriguing though, I will give you that.

Solid writing on display and an attempt at something different, and a good attempt at that. Well done writer

The timing of everything seems off to me. The plane is reported missing, but how long ago was that mayday call? And the plane's still flying? Or is that another plane?

Then Maynard has time to perform his ritual scrubbing, don a hazmat suit, and run out in time to get there just after the plane crashes?

Okay, that aside, Maynard (I love their wine gums) does all this seemingly because his (presumably dead) brother was trying to get him out of his germophobe shell. Even if it means drugging him and dragging him forcibly out into the fields he's terrified of. Yikes.

So he's the best prepared to deal with this epidemic, the best one to rescue any survivors. His weakness has become his strength in the given situation. And he rescues the baby, and he proves to his (dead?) brother and himself that he can do it when called upon.

But, the baby's sick too so he puts it back. You didn't say the baby was dead. He left it to die there. The germophobia wins over human decency.

It's all just tragic. Not horror, just horrible.

The writing is quite good. It could be interesting with another attempt at it.

Writing is not good.  Lots of mistakes.

Dialogue sounds like English may not be your first language.

Setup poorly done.  VO's make ZERO sense.

I knew we'd get at least 1 germophobe script,and here it is.

Slugs are poorly done.

Story is weak and unbelievable.

Horror nonexistent.

Doesn't work for me in any remote way.

What would you do…

Isn't the 'pilot' originally introduced as 'John'?

All right. Nice end of days scenario with a little SF vibe. The single themes felt fragmentary within the whole plot and impression of the script. The VO tried to keep it all together and that worked to a degree I'd say. You somehow got through with a decent performance.

I've got mixed feelings here.

The timeline is VERY confusing. He's watching TV about a missing plane... then the plane appears. Then he goes through an extensive cleaning ritual. Then the plane crashes.

I'd recommend dropping all the TV reporting stuff. It really doesn't add anything.

Go straight to our man hearing the crash. He wants to help... but, he's got to get clean... it would build tension. And, force the question: what's he doing? All else as you have it.

This solves the awkwardness created by multiple people doing voice-overs, too.

I love the ending, myself. I see others don't. But, you build us up to his hero moment... ask if he's up to it... and answer: nope.

It's awesome.

I don't see a bit of horror, though. I want it to be there. It's just not.

A few fixes and this can meet its potential. Are you up to it? Are you? What will you do?

Mixed on this one. I love the feel of it. The voice in the head juxtaposing with the action is great.

But it fizzles into nothing - deadline hassles I guess. If you had more time it could be set in a post apocalyptic world so the appearance of the plane is like a big event.

And sadly, there was no horror so I will have to take that into account. Enjoyed it though so well done

Ps - not sure how he would scrub his hands near the end if he’s wearing the Hazmat suit? He’d have gloves on still?

Code In the cockpit JOHN AVERY, 55, gripped by convulsive coughs that wrack his entire body.

This sentence does not finish. There should be a comma after 'body' and then more info to show what he's doing.

News Reporter dialogue is off.

Aside from that, this is a well-told story. Anyone that says differently is full of shit.

Good luck.

I actually forgot this is meant to be horror. There is no horror, but you have a decent story. Probably will never be filmed... but that doesn't matter, other shit you do will.

The feel and the atmosphere you built were good. But sadly the script didn't work for me. Loved your writing though.

I agree with most everyone . While it isn’t really a horror genre , It’s a scary situation for the character.  I think you did really well showing and telling us his phobia.  You weaved dialogue with action just the right amount to help us see he’s a germaphobe and to a great extent.

I agree with him putting the baby back. Self preservation at its finest .  

You know how to tell a story . Adding Henry’s voice  was a good move in my opinion. It put me in Maynard’s mind because Maynard is talking VO the whole script.  It reinforced what Maynard was telling us.

All the best!

Hi writer,

Quoted Text In the cockpit JOHN AVERY, 55, gripped by convulsive coughs that wrack his entire body.

And...? Something is missing here.

Quoted Text NEWS REPORTER (V.O.) The CDC fears a new and virulent, potentially deadly strain of flu is responsible for unprecedented numbers presenting to Emergency Departments across the nation...

You could make this a (PRE-LAP) instead of a (V.O.) that way it wouldn’t feel like it came out of nowhere, we would know it was leading to something - the TV in the next scene.

Quoted Text EXT. SKY -

Did you forget to write a time of day, or forget to delete the dash?

Reading on the dash just seems to be a style thing, I don’t like it because it looks incomplete and doesn’t aid the flow of the story.

Quoted Text SOUND UP,

I haven’t seen this before, so I don’t know what you mean by it.

I don’t feel that the (V.O.) compliments the story very well.

Okay I would class this as a straight drama. I'd like to know what the writer believes the horror element in this is, out of interest.

I can’t say I really cared for Maynard's struggle.

All the best.

It's definitely an horrific ending. Versus actual horror? I'm on the fence.

I think you may need to ramp up the gore in terms of whatever epidemic is on the loose and clearly blood from a few orifices is not horror-enough.. On screen I think the visual of the guy in gas mask and baby would work a treat. Perhaps make him bigger, more imposing.

I loved the ending. It made it for me. The ghastly realism of a phobic person actually choosing his own life over another's cause he's petrified of becoming infected is horrible, but horrible good.

Writing was solid, save a few minor tweaks.

P.S. Reading the feedback, Stevie's suggestion is a great one re setting this in a post apocalyptic world.

Who wouldn't choose their own life over someone who is already definitely going to die?

Quoted from DustinBowcot Code In the cockpit JOHN AVERY, 55, gripped by convulsive coughs that wrack his entire body. This sentence does not finish. There should be a comma after 'body' and then more info to show what he's doing.

What causes the problem is he's been told to avoid "is". Which IS good GENERAL advice. But sometimes there IS simply no avoiding the word, at least not awkwardly. He could attempt what Dustin suggests here by tacking on a primary action. "Gripped by convulsive coughs that wrack his entire body, Avery chugs from a flask."

Let me see if I understoood...Avery imagined the baby coughing on him, so he put it back? I guess that's a tricky thing to formulate in screenwriting. I'm still not sure if that's what happened. Or maybe the baby really did cough on him and his glasses shielded him? But how strange to take a baby all the way back to a crashed plane and put it inside a capsule, where it will die a suffering death. I'm assuming there are not enough people left in the world to come for the baby, otherwise why would he be sitting with him on the porch?

I didn't understand the opening perhaps. He heard the report, then saw the plane about to crash, but somehow had time to clean off and enter a hazmat suit in time to watch the plane crash? There is another way of looking at it because of the VO. It's possible the writer is not presenting this to us in live, chronilogical/realtime order. It's kind of meant to feel all jumbled, like a dream or flash.

I think is another example of a very good writer not quite pulling a story off here under the limitations. It's also HIGHLY possible my head is hurting and I am missing things. I will wait to score, come back later. Hopefully my reading comprehension will magically improve by then.

I’m afraid a lot of people are going to ding you on the horror aspect and that very little of the script spent time in a plane. I have to give it consideration.  There needed to me more of a horror element involved, I think, rather than just the blood coming from the nose kind of thing. A plane crash also isn’t horror, it’s just tragic.

I like the setup although the timing seems to be a little off here between the news report and the plane sighting. Maybe you could have him needing to go outside for something, so he washes up, uses the sanitizer, gets in The hazmat suit, and then hears the report on his way out — then he hears the plane and now the timing is in good shape.

From that point the writing is pretty much spot on and hits a lot of solid notes, and the ending is just sad, but a great twist. You can’t save someone who’s going to die anyway so why risk it. BUT, do we know the baby has the virus, or is just doing normal baby phlegm stuff?  oooh.

Well done on the writing. Just needed a little more on the horror side to make it perfect.

Best of luck,
Gary

I thought this was well written, good tone though a little prosey (is that a word).

Sanitiser used effectively, horror ??? well it ends on an horrific note so I'll say yes.

I liked it,

I would probably hunker down in a bunker. At least Maynard did the right thing. Then did the wrong thing. He is one conflicted character. Good job!

That was different. An interesting and daring piece of prose, writer. I think with some work, this could be a pretty decent story. Good job.

A couple things derailed this while reading: Not sure it was necessary to have the news topic about the missing plane as I think it would work better without it; and the baby in a capsule. All I could think was Kelel, you know, baby Superman? Anyway, I think you have a little project here to work on.

Good job, writer.

I hadn't scored this first time, forcing myself to come back. Reading through comments hoping it might clarify things a bit.
Hopefully the writer chimes in after the voting.

Unfortunately my estimation has not improved. It doesn't really make sense. You hear a report about a plane in trouble and the passengers have the flu. Is that likely to make the news? That's contrived. Then he hears a plane with the engine whining and somehow has time to scrub and get into a hazmat suit...and get outside in time to watch it crash. Come on, writer.

When I first read this I had no idea what the dialog from the brother about drugging him and dragging him out into the field meant. But now I think I understand that he suffers from both germophobia and agrophobia(fear of leaving home, if I got the word right). But this dialog by the brother doesn't sound natural. Drugging him and leaving him in a field?

Sorry. I tried. Not working for me. Gave it a full second read too. Good effort.

Title should have a question mark at the end of the ellipsis. (And now I have the Klondike Bar jingle stuck in my head.)

The news reporter should probably be a PRE-LAP rather than a V.O. Pre-lap is when you hear someone before the scene changes.

Viewers can't really see "blood pooling in his eyes," but they could be described as blood-shot or bleeding from the eyes.

The baby is referred to as a toddler once. At first I thought there was a jump forward in time.

A FADE OUT mid-script is usually a FADE TO BLACK... or FADE THROUGH BLACK if nothing at all happens while the screen is black.

I'm not sure this one quite falls under horror. Maynard is definitely horrified, but this is more of a drama about him overcoming his fears then backsliding. It's got a terrifying pathogen in it, so I'll count this one. With that generous judgment in the script's favor, it scores very well from me.

It does read more as a drama.  Although the thought of a virus killing people can be horrific.  Not here for me.

The ending is quite thought provoking.  The title is quite apt.