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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  What Would You Do...? - WT3 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    What Would You Do...? - WT3  (currently 1112 views)
Don
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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What Would You Do...? by  - A germophobe's courage is tested when he has to make a life and death choice. - Short, Horror


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Don  -  June 17th, 2019, 11:49pm
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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Hmmm. Nicely written. It was sort of like a story that never happened, though. The central premise is about a guy being scared to help if it was just him, but the central character is a germophobe...it feels like there's two different things there. The arc from germophobe to confirmed germophobe didn't fully work because of that, for me. There's no horror, either. It's mostly drama with a hint of thriller.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 7:50am Report to Moderator
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Hola!

John Avery - the feature I'm working on has a character with the same name - This doesn't have anything to do with anything, just thought I'd tell you.

"Wrack his entire body"? Don't know what that means - google doesn't help me either.

"feared missing after a Mayday call and all communications were lost" - surely he IS missing, not feared missing? read awkward to me anyway

Maynard sure is an interesting character, and I really liked the V.O monologue reminiscing about his brother. The story just didn't satisfy me that much, maybe it was the ending, can't quite put my finger on it - it was intriguing though, I will give you that.

Solid writing on display and an attempt at something different, and a good attempt at that. Well done writer


Feature

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1) Write a bad one
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ReneC
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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The timing of everything seems off to me. The plane is reported missing, but how long ago was that mayday call? And the plane's still flying? Or is that another plane?

Then Maynard has time to perform his ritual scrubbing, don a hazmat suit, and run out in time to get there just after the plane crashes?

Okay, that aside, Maynard (I love their wine gums) does all this seemingly because his (presumably dead) brother was trying to get him out of his germophobe shell. Even if it means drugging him and dragging him forcibly out into the fields he's terrified of. Yikes.

So he's the best prepared to deal with this epidemic, the best one to rescue any survivors. His weakness has become his strength in the given situation. And he rescues the baby, and he proves to his (dead?) brother and himself that he can do it when called upon.

But, the baby's sick too so he puts it back. You didn't say the baby was dead. He left it to die there. The germophobia wins over human decency.

It's all just tragic. Not horror, just horrible.

The writing is quite good. It could be interesting with another attempt at it.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Writing is not good.  Lots of mistakes.

Dialogue sounds like English may not be your first language.

Setup poorly done.  VO's make ZERO sense.

I knew we'd get at least 1 germophobe script,and here it is.

Slugs are poorly done.

Story is weak and unbelievable.

Horror nonexistent.

Doesn't work for me in any remote way.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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What would you doÖ

Isn't the 'pilot' originally introduced as 'John'?

All right. Nice end of days scenario with a little SF vibe. The single themes felt fragmentary within the whole plot and impression of the script. The VO tried to keep it all together and that worked to a degree I'd say. You somehow got through with a decent performance.



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PKCardinal
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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I've got mixed feelings here.

The timeline is VERY confusing. He's watching TV about a missing plane... then the plane appears. Then he goes through an extensive cleaning ritual. Then the plane crashes.

I'd recommend dropping all the TV reporting stuff. It really doesn't add anything.

Go straight to our man hearing the crash. He wants to help... but, he's got to get clean... it would build tension. And, force the question: what's he doing? All else as you have it.

This solves the awkwardness created by multiple people doing voice-overs, too.

I love the ending, myself. I see others don't. But, you build us up to his hero moment... ask if he's up to it... and answer: nope.

It's awesome.

I don't see a bit of horror, though. I want it to be there. It's just not.

A few fixes and this can meet its potential. Are you up to it? Are you? What will you do?


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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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stevie
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 1:31am Report to Moderator
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Mixed on this one. I love the feel of it. The voice in the head juxtaposing with the action is great.

But it fizzles into nothing - deadline hassles I guess. If you had more time it could be set in a post apocalyptic world so the appearance of the plane is like a big event.

And sadly, there was no horror so I will have to take that into account. Enjoyed it though so well done

Ps - not sure how he would scrub his hands near the end if heís wearing the Hazmat suit? Heíd have gloves on still?



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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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Code

In the cockpit JOHN AVERY, 55, gripped by convulsive coughs
that wrack his entire body. 



This sentence does not finish. There should be a comma after 'body' and then more info to show what he's doing.

News Reporter dialogue is off.

Aside from that, this is a well-told story. Anyone that says differently is full of shit.

Good luck.

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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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I actually forgot this is meant to be horror. There is no horror, but you have a decent story. Probably will never be filmed... but that doesn't matter, other shit you do will.
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Fais85
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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The feel and the atmosphere you built were good. But sadly the script didn't work for me. Loved your writing though.
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Kevin_L
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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I agree with most everyone . While it isnít really a horror genre , Itís a scary situation for the character.  I think you did really well showing and telling us his phobia.  You weaved dialogue with action just the right amount to help us see heís a germaphobe and to a great extent.

I agree with him putting the baby back. Self preservation at its finest .  

You know how to tell a story . Adding Henryís voice  was a good move in my opinion. It put me in Maynardís mind because Maynard is talking VO the whole script.  It reinforced what Maynard was telling us.

All the best!


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Warren
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
In the cockpit JOHN AVERY, 55, gripped by convulsive coughs
that wrack his entire body.


And...? Something is missing here.


Quoted Text
NEWS REPORTER (V.O.)
The CDC fears a new and virulent,
potentially deadly strain of flu is
responsible for unprecedented
numbers presenting to Emergency
Departments across the nation...


You could make this a (PRE-LAP) instead of a (V.O.) that way it wouldnít feel like it came out of nowhere, we would know it was leading to something - the TV in the next scene.


Quoted Text
EXT. SKY -


Did you forget to write a time of day, or forget to delete the dash?

Reading on the dash just seems to be a style thing, I donít like it because it looks incomplete and doesnít aid the flow of the story.


Quoted Text
SOUND UP,


I havenít seen this before, so I donít know what you mean by it.

I donít feel that the (V.O.) compliments the story very well.

Okay I would class this as a straight drama. I'd like to know what the writer believes the horror element in this is, out of interest.

I canít say I really cared for Maynard's struggle.

All the best.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  June 19th, 2019, 11:05pm
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LC
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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It's definitely an horrific ending. Versus actual horror? I'm on the fence.

I think you may need to ramp up the gore in terms of whatever epidemic is on the loose and clearly blood from a few orifices is not horror-enough.. On screen I think the visual of the guy in gas mask and baby would work a treat. Perhaps make him bigger, more imposing.

I loved the ending. It made it for me. The ghastly realism of a phobic person actually choosing his own life over another's cause he's petrified of becoming infected is horrible, but horrible good.

Writing was solid, save a few minor tweaks.

P.S. Reading the feedback, Stevie's suggestion is a great one re setting this in a post apocalyptic world.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Who wouldn't choose their own life over someone who is already definitely going to die?
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