Black Mamba by Upper Deck - For one gladiator, church provides neither solace nor sanctuary. - Short, Action

Hello writer

Nice detailed descriptions - nicely written and flows well.

Oh, at first I thought she played this Black Mamba character on TV or something, but this kid saw a fight down his street.... intriguing

A sci-fi - thank god. and now a fight in a church is about to begin... wish I had popcorn with me.
my interest is peaked and I really hope it is tied up nicely at the end.

Ok, I'm done - I really liked it to be honest, a sci-fi fight scene in a church. It gave me impressions of Running Man.

Writing is great, the action flowed and I'm pretty sure I could see everything the way you wanted me to.

The world is interesting, but this reads more like proof of concept short or a teaser - the short is not an enclosed story by any means, who is paying for this? how the hell is it legal? why is she a fighter - is she being forced?... I want to know these things, so that's good I guess, but the short doesn't answer them.

But overall, really good job. I like it.

A lot of questions raised by this one, like why are they in this Hunger Games type of battle world where fighters keep getting eliminated?  Why did she have to kill her friend?  How did she get roped into this competition?  

But i can set those questions aside as the writing is pretty spot on for an action piece.  Got all the elements of the challenge built in perfectly, so good job there. Enjoyed how it was laid out and resolved. A bit confused at that ending, but not enough to ding you for it.

If there’s one thing I would complain about, and it’s minor, it’s that the action sequence may have gone too long, but because the writing was so good, I was willing to overlook that.

Great job here.

I reckon any type of future world scenario needs a Super near the start so we aren�t second guessing. There�s a couple like that in this round.

Just have something like NYC 2050 or whatever. This one could be a UFC cosplay for all we know lol.  Anyway some good visuals here. The card is in there but it and the action are merely in there to fulfil the criteria   All the scripts will be like that so all good

Hi writer,

Quoted Text The worshippers see their wrist bands are flashing yellow

What wrist bands? Has this been set up? I'll have to go back I think I might have missed it.

Some pretty good world building, I kind of wish you spent a bit more time on that than the fight scene, there is obviously more to the story.

The writing is very good, one of SS's better writers I'd say. Criteria has been met.

All the best.

Wow... my favorite title and favorite logline so far. Great job.

And super GREAT writing on display here. LOVE your characters. Love your dialogue. Wow.

I loved this... some notes... Why was Black Mamba so 'down' at the beginning? Also what was the deal with the bracelet? I liked everything else with the boy.

I've only read three but this is my favorite so far.

Code A PRIEST comes up the aisle...

And not for the first time that morning... oi, oi!

The writing is a little more passive than it needs to be.

It's definitely an action piece. Not much of a story. It seems like the sort of thing my kids would watch.

Black Mamba

Snakes and Gladiators… sounds exciting.

P2 okay, nice, mysterious world-building so far

This was awesome. I read it very slow because the choreography was so inventive and on point that I didn't want to miss any of your vision. I also think the whole gladiator social media world has a lot of potential as a commercial concept.

The Lucinda and Godkiller fight was very good. And I got that Lucinda is about ready to battle the system itself, but the magical properties of the black and green tendrils detracted from my enjoyment of the story. And the kid Roger was really dumb; Lucinda should have considered letting Godkiller finish him off.

Nice work, writer. Well crafted, overall.

I liked the characters Black Mamba and Godkiller, but really didn't like Roger. A bit too whingy for me.

Pretty decent dialog throughout; no complaints.

Very nicely done.

The only line that rankled a bit was this one:

GODKILLER
That’s the game, sweet cheeks.
It’s what they pay for.

Minor gripe, just didn't sit well with the rest of the tone imho.

LUCINDA
I was going to quit.

That line seemed to me as if it fits somewhere else, as if you needed to plant her conflicted stance somewhere, anywhere.

I think the cards worked nicely even though they're not trading cards as much as they are voting/barracking cards.

Action was nicely orchestrated, the inky transformations reminiscent of XMen. I could picture it well.

Writer, you did a fine job.

Edit: I notice some think Roger is a bit of a drag and a bit whiny. I didn't think so. He's a kid, and he's in awe of Lucinda. Adulation. Kids can be whiny. Maybe make him a couple of years younger?

Ok, you scored in all the right areas - the right tone, the very nice descriptions, tight dialogue. Except for that one line.  Anyhoo, we will not go there.  ;)  But I'm not totally sure I got the story, but I definitely want to keep reading if it were a feature...

Ugh, I'm probably breaking a Simply Script rule by saying I really liked it and thought it was beautifully written.  Don't really have anything to add.  Not terribly helpful or insightful, I know, just felt I should throw it out there.  Best of luck!  :)

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Ugh, I'm probably breaking a Simply Script rule by saying I really liked it and thought it was beautifully written.  Don't really have anything to add.  Not terribly helpful or insightful, I know, just felt I should throw it out there.  Best of luck!  :)

No rules broken. We love the feedback!

Reminds me of Sonnie's Edge from the recent Netflix series - I liked too!

So all crfiteria met, writing is solid and the action entertaining with a cleverly integrated trading card.

Liked very much!

Excellent world building. Clearly a piece of something much bigger.

A little unclear as to why all the "subscribers" are watching this in a stadium somewhere, while the action takes place elsewhere... (generally, you pay money to watch the action live) but, that's a nit.

Very well written. Could easily be expanded to a feature.

Good at writing action, though I had to keep reading for the story to unfold itself to me, Maybe that's a good thing as it had me keep going. I really didn't understand it at all in the beginning.

Not sure if I still do, but definitely got a Running Man vibe from it. Another reviewer mentioned Hunger Games which I haven't seen or read so maybe that didn't help either.

The trading card seemed forced, and if it wasn't required I could see you not even needing it but it was part of the "assignment."

So yeah, good sci-fi/action and some plot points hinted that their could be more if expanded, so good job.

The main characters reminded me of Warhammer.  It’s very much action driven.  Not much of a story.  It’s decent for what it was.  A fight ensues, the boy’s hero won, the end.  The criteria has been met.