Crucified by Michael Sam - An old man is angered by the football cards a young boy brings to a church gathering. - Short, Action, Drama

Hi writer,

Quoted Text Texas church for a Packer

a Packer?

I'm an Australian who knows little to nothing about American Football, so hopefully this isn't wasted on me.

Quoted Text CARL Why? Because he was a faggot, that’s why. Can’t have queers playing football.

Wow, that feels like it came out of nowhere.

This is a kind of relevant story in Australia at the moment as one of our now ex rugby players is in the news for anti gay comments.

I'm never going to be a fan of capping dialogue. I know its a personal preference thing but it just looks terrible on the page.

The writing is quite good but the story is a bit all over the place. I'm not sure what I'm meant to take away from it? I can't say I really felt anything for these characters. I don't know, I'll see how it stacks up against the other entries.

All the best.

Code Nothing but plains and farm land to be seen for miles.

Overwritten.

Nothing but plains and farmland for miles.

Code The skies...

There's more than one?

Code The skies are dark and forbidding.

Forbidding of what? Irregular cloud formations, perhaps? You mean 'foreboding'.

Code Lightning streaks...

More overwriting. Lightning is just fine on its own. It just does what it does.

Code The visitors...

What visitors? They haven't been introduced.

Now you've actually started, the script has a decent flow... but still, this is meant to be action. I'm kinda bored. Yeah, now we're moving into American Football... the most boring sport on earth.

I can see where this is going and I'm less than thrilled by the prospect. I'd switch over.

Interesting direction with your story. Honestly forgot it was supposed to be an action genre until it kicked in on page three. The story had me pulled in enough with the writing that it was a welcome turn when the tornado struck.

Good character development. Definitely had a feel for where all the characters stood on that subject.

Very good action prose. It was exciting to read through page four and five. Not quite sure how to take the ending and the message that was intended.

Good work, writer. Congrats.

Halfway through the lot...

This one does a good job at meeting the parameters -- certainly the most unusual use of the trading card that I've come across so far, and the trading card actually factored into the story, as opposed to just being a prop. Pretty heavy with the symbolism, but that's okay, given how the card was used and the story that led to the ending.

The action worked fairly well and was fast paced -- could have probably gotten to the action aspect of it a little more quickly.  Did you spend a little too much time with Carl and his homophobic attitudes?  Maybe so, but it did pay off somewhat with the ending.  And it definitely is a topic that rarely gets dealt with -- gay athletes in professional sports, so that was certainly a change of pace from a story standpoint.

Overall thought this worked and the writing wasn't a slog to get through, so good job there.

Best of luck,
Gary

I love your title and logline. I could see a church guy mad that a kid would bring cards to church!

Love that you chose a BINGO night instead of service.

LOL @ Aaron Rogers in Texas. :)

Do basements have roofs? I know they have ceilings... but never seen one with a roof.

Ok ... maybe it's because I do not know the deal about this Boston guy but I didn't get the ending really very well. That said.. the characters are really cool. I like your story just not over the top about the end. Good dialogue throughout.

Hello writer

Although writing for the most part is really good, there are a few hiccups along the way (part and parcel of a weekend challenge).

Consistency - you open with PARISHIONERS exiting cars, but then you refer to them as visitors, keep it consistent
"The skies are dark" - there's only one sky, and of course it's dark, your slug says NIGHT.
But like I say, for a weekends work the writing is very good.

Quoted Text PASTOR COOPER (CONT�D) B as in BOOM!! It�s okay, folks. This too, shall pass, right?

I don't understand, is he telling a joke? it's gone over my head

Never seen a tornado, are they really this strong that they suck people out of basements? or is this a movie exaggeration?

I enjoyed it for the most part, albeit a little bit of a slow start. I doubt that, if i was watching this, the opening of old people playing bingo would grab my attention.

I don't fully get the point of it all - homophobic guy rants on, coincidentally a tornado shows up, people die, gay sports person on a cross.... Was Carl being punished? if so, why did other people die? It was all just a series of events for me rather than a story.

Still, not a bad effort.

First - kudos to whoever came up with the author name - Michael Sam first openly gay player in NFL.

Onto the story..

Meets the parameters - nice.

I quite liked this - but the ending falls a bit flat. Somehow I would have liked Carl's gay hatred play in the final moment (e.g., a gay parishioner save him, etc.).   I do like the synbolism with the splinters through the hands of the image on the playing card.

Overall - a solid effort here

Crucified

wrong title page
capped dialogue just confuses the eye and stops the read.
Just keep things in the normal format and trust the reader.

The tornado action was quite competently shown. Nice that you brought a natural calamity to this round. Then, I must say, it was more like showcasing an excerpt of action than a full story with a certain essence.

However, it was good for what it is.

Nice tornadic action. Liked the family, hated Carl. Carl was way too strident in his denunciation of gays. The kind of stridency that might have forced Adeline to ask if his hatred of them is because he’s unsure of his own sexuality. Since any denial is automatically disbelieved, Carl would’ve sputtered and said something unfortunate to Adeline, which would, of course, have forced Dennis to punch his eyeballs in. More action!

The piano the family holds onto should be an organ. Carl getting his neck punched by a piece of flooring and then being sucked out of the church is pretty good, but maybe it would be better if he was still alive when he made his hasty withdrawal.

And instead of the card being impaled on the cross by a splinter, what if the card was impaled by a length of rebar — the same piece of rebar that’s also impaled Carl to the side of a barn. Now there’s a message from the Bingo Dealer in the sky.

Built competently to a nice twister scene...

Really wanted Carl to have been on the cross at the end, feels like a missed comeuppance.

Cards were effectively used, church was integral.

Good job.

Well, this was pretty good, an entry grounded in reality, as opposed to the many fantasy, other-realm entries - not that there's anything wrong with that. :)

Great idea, the Bingo.

Action was good - at one point I thought levitating as a description was verging on a bit much, and the action did seem a little protracted, but then it's a very real thing tornadoes sucking and then tossing livestock, cars, and even babies to land miles away.

The actual story is a bit light for me but it ultimately tackles a serious subject.

https://www.news.com.au/sport/sports-life/israel-folau-says-he-was-backed-into-a-corner-by-rugby-australia-over-his-social-media-posts/news-story/170b3fead9be2485aa4b2961b4784b2e

In my book 'skies' (plural)  is fine, used in writing and literature all the time.

https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/sky_1

You just needed, (as Dustin mentioned), the word: foreboding. Was it a typo/auto-correct thing? Stupid auto-correct, you have to watch out for it, or turn it off.

The skies are dark and foreboding.
And, you could have intro'd Joey at this point, looking up at it.

I definitely suggest you go with Anthony's suggestion for your denouement.
Just desserts. :)

Skies is fine in some contexts, yes. More of a plural context. Like, the entire planet, for example, does have skies. You look up and see the sky, not skies.

Pretty good writing, good action when it gets going. The cards and church are front and center, nice job there.

I thought maybe this was going in the direction of proving Carl right, the tornado was coming to punish Dennis for blasphemy. Carl dying seemed to go in the other direction, but the card appeared on the cross, which made me wonder if it’s crucifixtion was supposed to mean it was condemned by God, also proving Carl right. But I think the intention of the crucifiction is akin to Jesus dying for our sins, which is really, really heavy handed.

The characters are okay, the dialogue hits and misses for me. Overall it’s good though. Well done.

This one works for me all the way through. Having the main action of the story be a natural disaster is a neat idea. Neither the church, nor the trading cards, felt shoe-horned into the story. Kudos there.

Action was pretty cool, very well written. I could picture it perfectly. Characters and dialog were good.

Liked the ending with the crucified trading card.

Top marks from me. Great work here, writer. :)

Being from Kansas, I love a good tornado story. (Especially if it DOESN'T include a Wizard of Oz reference... I hate those.)

Having just had a massive tornado pass within a couple miles of our house (my wife and I huddled in our basement) just weeks ago, and seeing the devastation my neighbors faced... I can tell you, this is all well described.

Also, having a Southern Baptist best friend, and having attended his church once in a while to celebrate his special occasions... I can also tell you that the Carl character is unfortunately, NOT over the top. (I have stories...)

Overall, I enjoyed the story and the action. Yes, the "crucifixion" is just a bit too big thematically, but, I liked the visual.

There are a few action blocks that feel rushed or overwritten. A good scrub session will make this script even stronger. Well done.

Quoted from LC You just needed, (as Dustin mentioned), the word: foreboding. Was it a typo/auto-correct thing? Stupid auto-correct, you have to watch out for it, or turn it off.

I thought the same thing when I read it - so I googled it to make sure I wasn't being stupid, and Google tells me;
Forbidding = unfriendly or threatening in appearance
Forboding = a feeling that something bad will happen

Since its describing how a sky looks, forbidding seems right based on those definitions - but it goes against what I thought those words meant, someone help me lol

Can be used as noun or adjective.

https://www.yourdictionary.com/foreboding
See both definitions.
An example of foreboding is dark clouds that suggest rain is likely.

https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/foreboding

P.S. Perhaps 'forbidding' is technically correct too. It just instinctively didn't work for me.

The ending was good and the elements worked well, nothing seemed forced. Only thing is it started off much more like a drama and even with the tornado didn't feel much like an "action" script. Still a good effort. Some descriptions could have been shorter but the writing made one visualize.

The logline doesn't appear to be the best description of the script. Sure, that happens (Carl getting upset over the card) but the family and the tornado were the central parts of the script. Lastly, I didn't see the tornado coming but still a fine effort overall.

Quoted from LC Can be used as noun or adjective. https://www.yourdictionary.com/foreboding See both definitions. An example of foreboding is dark clouds that suggest rain is likely. https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/foreboding P.S. Perhaps 'forbidding' is technically correct too. It just instinctively didn't work for me.

Thanks LC - my immediate thought was also that foreboding should have been used. But, I used to think my english wasn't too bad - but that was before I joined a writers forum lol now I question everything I thought I knew.

Anyway, thanks for the clarification  :)

I prefer foreboding over forbidding as the sky in this story is used merely to impart a sense that something is about to wrong, opposed to the sky being difficult to fly through.

If the story was set on an aeroplane, I'd buy it more. As the sky here is used only to give us a sense of there being something wrong, I'd use foreboding.

We never hear from the sky again after the first sentence. But still, it is a lot more nuanced than I thought it was, so I'd be willing to concede on that point.

LC makes a great point... sometimes the word just instinctively feels wrong. So, you can be correct, and still toss the reader from the script. Which, it appears, is what happened here.

Or, it's just a typo. :)

The present participle of the verb 'forbid' is forbidding... which is also an adjective that is similar in definition to foreboding. I think forbidding has been correctly used and the mistake is mine. However, I'd still use foreboding over forbidding. Forbidding just doesn't sound right to me.

It wasn’t a terribly exciting or interesting read.  Easy to read for the most part.  And meets the criteria.