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I'm an Australian who knows little to nothing about American Football, so hopefully this isn't wasted on me.
CARL Why? Because he was a faggot, that’s why. Can’t have queers playing football.
Wow, that feels like it came out of nowhere.
This is a kind of relevant story in Australia at the moment as one of our now ex rugby players is in the news for anti gay comments.
I'm never going to be a fan of capping dialogue. I know its a personal preference thing but it just looks terrible on the page.
The writing is quite good but the story is a bit all over the place. I'm not sure what I'm meant to take away from it? I can't say I really felt anything for these characters. I don't know, I'll see how it stacks up against the other entries.
Interesting direction with your story. Honestly forgot it was supposed to be an action genre until it kicked in on page three. The story had me pulled in enough with the writing that it was a welcome turn when the tornado struck.
Good character development. Definitely had a feel for where all the characters stood on that subject.
Very good action prose. It was exciting to read through page four and five. Not quite sure how to take the ending and the message that was intended.
This one does a good job at meeting the parameters -- certainly the most unusual use of the trading card that I've come across so far, and the trading card actually factored into the story, as opposed to just being a prop. Pretty heavy with the symbolism, but that's okay, given how the card was used and the story that led to the ending.
The action worked fairly well and was fast paced -- could have probably gotten to the action aspect of it a little more quickly. Did you spend a little too much time with Carl and his homophobic attitudes? Maybe so, but it did pay off somewhat with the ending. And it definitely is a topic that rarely gets dealt with -- gay athletes in professional sports, so that was certainly a change of pace from a story standpoint.
Overall thought this worked and the writing wasn't a slog to get through, so good job there.
Best of luck, Gary
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
I love your title and logline. I could see a church guy mad that a kid would bring cards to church!
Love that you chose a BINGO night instead of service.
LOL @ Aaron Rogers in Texas.
Do basements have roofs? I know they have ceilings... but never seen one with a roof.
Ok ... maybe it's because I do not know the deal about this Boston guy but I didn't get the ending really very well. That said.. the characters are really cool. I like your story just not over the top about the end. Good dialogue throughout.
Although writing for the most part is really good, there are a few hiccups along the way (part and parcel of a weekend challenge).
Consistency - you open with PARISHIONERS exiting cars, but then you refer to them as visitors, keep it consistent "The skies are dark" - there's only one sky, and of course it's dark, your slug says NIGHT. But like I say, for a weekends work the writing is very good.
PASTOR COOPER (CONTï¿½D) B as in BOOM!! Itï¿½s okay, folks. This too, shall pass, right?
I don't understand, is he telling a joke? it's gone over my head
Never seen a tornado, are they really this strong that they suck people out of basements? or is this a movie exaggeration?
I enjoyed it for the most part, albeit a little bit of a slow start. I doubt that, if i was watching this, the opening of old people playing bingo would grab my attention.
I don't fully get the point of it all - homophobic guy rants on, coincidentally a tornado shows up, people die, gay sports person on a cross.... Was Carl being punished? if so, why did other people die? It was all just a series of events for me rather than a story.
First - kudos to whoever came up with the author name - Michael Sam first openly gay player in NFL.
Onto the story..
Meets the parameters - nice.
I quite liked this - but the ending falls a bit flat. Somehow I would have liked Carl's gay hatred play in the final moment (e.g., a gay parishioner save him, etc.). I do like the synbolism with the splinters through the hands of the image on the playing card.
wrong title page capped dialogue just confuses the eye and stops the read. Just keep things in the normal format and trust the reader.
The tornado action was quite competently shown. Nice that you brought a natural calamity to this round. Then, I must say, it was more like showcasing an excerpt of action than a full story with a certain essence.
Nice tornadic action. Liked the family, hated Carl. Carl was way too strident in his denunciation of gays. The kind of stridency that might have forced Adeline to ask if his hatred of them is because he’s unsure of his own sexuality. Since any denial is automatically disbelieved, Carl would’ve sputtered and said something unfortunate to Adeline, which would, of course, have forced Dennis to punch his eyeballs in. More action!
The piano the family holds onto should be an organ. Carl getting his neck punched by a piece of flooring and then being sucked out of the church is pretty good, but maybe it would be better if he was still alive when he made his hasty withdrawal.
And instead of the card being impaled on the cross by a splinter, what if the card was impaled by a length of rebar — the same piece of rebar that’s also impaled Carl to the side of a barn. Now there’s a message from the Bingo Dealer in the sky.
Well, this was pretty good, an entry grounded in reality, as opposed to the many fantasy, other-realm entries - not that there's anything wrong with that.
Great idea, the Bingo.
Action was good - at one point I thought levitating as a description was verging on a bit much, and the action did seem a little protracted, but then it's a very real thing tornadoes sucking and then tossing livestock, cars, and even babies to land miles away.
The actual story is a bit light for me but it ultimately tackles a serious subject.
Pretty good writing, good action when it gets going. The cards and church are front and center, nice job there.
I thought maybe this was going in the direction of proving Carl right, the tornado was coming to punish Dennis for blasphemy. Carl dying seemed to go in the other direction, but the card appeared on the cross, which made me wonder if it’s crucifixtion was supposed to mean it was condemned by God, also proving Carl right. But I think the intention of the crucifiction is akin to Jesus dying for our sins, which is really, really heavy handed.
The characters are okay, the dialogue hits and misses for me. Overall it’s good though. Well done.
This one works for me all the way through. Having the main action of the story be a natural disaster is a neat idea. Neither the church, nor the trading cards, felt shoe-horned into the story. Kudos there.
Action was pretty cool, very well written. I could picture it perfectly. Characters and dialog were good.