SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 21st, 2023, 10:52am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The Sept OWC Writers' Choice and Who Wrote What and a special award have been posted

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Crucified - WT4 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Crucified - WT4  (currently 1527 views)
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 10:50pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Crucified by Michael Sam - An old man is angered by the football cards a young boy brings to a church gathering. - Short, Action, Drama

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 3:48am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Sydney, Australia
Posts Per Day
Hi writer,

Quoted Text
Texas church for a Packer

a Packer?

I'm an Australian who knows little to nothing about American Football, so hopefully this isn't wasted on me.

Quoted Text
Why? Because he was a faggot,
that’s why. Can’t have queers
playing football.

Wow, that feels like it came out of nowhere.

This is a kind of relevant story in Australia at the moment as one of our now ex rugby players is in the news for anti gay comments.

I'm never going to be a fan of capping dialogue. I know its a personal preference thing but it just looks terrible on the page.

The writing is quite good but the story is a bit all over the place. I'm not sure what I'm meant to take away from it? I can't say I really felt anything for these characters. I don't know, I'll see how it stacks up against the other entries.

All the best.

Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
Guest User


Nothing but plains and farm land to be seen for miles.


Nothing but plains and farmland for miles.


The skies...

There's more than one?


The skies are dark and forbidding.

Forbidding of what? Irregular cloud formations, perhaps? You mean 'foreboding'.


Lightning streaks...

More overwriting. Lightning is just fine on its own. It just does what it does.


The visitors...

What visitors? They haven't been introduced.

Now you've actually started, the script has a decent flow... but still, this is meant to be action. I'm kinda bored. Yeah, now we're moving into American Football... the most boring sport on earth.

I can see where this is going and I'm less than thrilled by the prospect. I'd switch over.

e-mail Reply: 2 - 23
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

No sh*t, there I was....

Tucson, AZ
Posts Per Day
Interesting direction with your story. Honestly forgot it was supposed to be an action genre until it kicked in on page three. The story had me pulled in enough with the writing that it was a welcome turn when the tornado struck.

Good character development. Definitely had a feel for where all the characters stood on that subject.

Very good action prose. It was exciting to read through page four and five. Not quite sure how to take the ending and the message that was intended.

Good work, writer. Congrats.
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
Gary in Houston
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
Halfway through the lot...

This one does a good job at meeting the parameters -- certainly the most unusual use of the trading card that I've come across so far, and the trading card actually factored into the story, as opposed to just being a prop. Pretty heavy with the symbolism, but that's okay, given how the card was used and the story that led to the ending.

The action worked fairly well and was fast paced -- could have probably gotten to the action aspect of it a little more quickly.  Did you spend a little too much time with Carl and his homophobic attitudes?  Maybe so, but it did pay off somewhat with the ending.  And it definitely is a topic that rarely gets dealt with -- gay athletes in professional sports, so that was certainly a change of pace from a story standpoint.

Overall thought this worked and the writing wasn't a slog to get through, so good job there.

Best of luck,

An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 23
Pale Yellow
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
I love your title and logline. I could see a church guy mad that a kid would bring cards to church!

Love that you chose a BINGO night instead of service.

LOL @ Aaron Rogers in Texas.

Do basements have roofs? I know they have ceilings... but never seen one with a roof.

Ok ... maybe it's because I do not know the deal about this Boston guy but I didn't get the ending really very well. That said.. the characters are really cool. I like your story just not over the top about the end. Good dialogue throughout.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 26th, 2019, 7:44am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Shakespeare's county
Posts Per Day
Hello writer

Although writing for the most part is really good, there are a few hiccups along the way (part and parcel of a weekend challenge).

Consistency - you open with PARISHIONERS exiting cars, but then you refer to them as visitors, keep it consistent
"The skies are dark" - there's only one sky, and of course it's dark, your slug says NIGHT.
But like I say, for a weekends work the writing is very good.

Quoted Text
B as in BOOM!! It�s okay, folks.
This too, shall pass, right?

I don't understand, is he telling a joke? it's gone over my head

Never seen a tornado, are they really this strong that they suck people out of basements? or is this a movie exaggeration?

I enjoyed it for the most part, albeit a little bit of a slow start. I doubt that, if i was watching this, the opening of old people playing bingo would grab my attention.

I don't fully get the point of it all - homophobic guy rants on, coincidentally a tornado shows up, people die, gay sports person on a cross.... Was Carl being punished? if so, why did other people die? It was all just a series of events for me rather than a story.

Still, not a bad effort.



Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
Posted: June 26th, 2019, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Southern California
Posts Per Day
First - kudos to whoever came up with the author name - Michael Sam first openly gay player in NFL.

Onto the story..

Meets the parameters - nice.

I quite liked this - but the ending falls a bit flat. Somehow I would have liked Carl's gay hatred play in the final moment (e.g., a gay parishioner save him, etc.).   I do like the synbolism with the splinters through the hands of the image on the playing card.

Overall - a solid effort here

My Scripts can all be seen here:
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day

wrong title page
capped dialogue just confuses the eye and stops the read.
Just keep things in the normal format and trust the reader.

The tornado action was quite competently shown. Nice that you brought a natural calamity to this round. Then, I must say, it was more like showcasing an excerpt of action than a full story with a certain essence.

However, it was good for what it is.

Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 6:48pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Nice tornadic action. Liked the family, hated Carl. Carl was way too strident in his denunciation of gays. The kind of stridency that might have forced Adeline to ask if his hatred of them is because he’s unsure of his own sexuality. Since any denial is automatically disbelieved, Carl would’ve sputtered and said something unfortunate to Adeline, which would, of course, have forced Dennis to punch his eyeballs in. More action!

The piano the family holds onto should be an organ. Carl getting his neck punched by a piece of flooring and then being sucked out of the church is pretty good, but maybe it would be better if he was still alive when he made his hasty withdrawal.

And instead of the card being impaled on the cross by a splinter, what if the card was impaled by a length of rebar — the same piece of rebar that’s also impaled Carl to the side of a barn. Now there’s a message from the Bingo Dealer in the sky.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
Posted: June 28th, 2019, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
Built competently to a nice twister scene...

Really wanted Carl to have been on the cross at the end, feels like a missed comeuppance.

Cards were effectively used, church was integral.

Good job.

Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays -
Available Feature screenplays -
Screenwriting articles -
IMDB Link -
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 23
Posted: June 28th, 2019, 11:25pm Report to Moderator

The Great Southern Land
Posts Per Day
Well, this was pretty good, an entry grounded in reality, as opposed to the many fantasy, other-realm entries - not that there's anything wrong with that.

Great idea, the Bingo.

Action was good - at one point I thought levitating as a description was verging on a bit much, and the action did seem a little protracted, but then it's a very real thing tornadoes sucking and then tossing livestock, cars, and even babies to land miles away.

The actual story is a bit light for me but it ultimately tackles a serious subject.

In my book 'skies' (plural)  is fine, used in writing and literature all the time.

You just needed, (as Dustin mentioned), the word: foreboding. Was it a typo/auto-correct thing? Stupid auto-correct, you have to watch out for it, or turn it off.

The skies are dark and foreboding.
And, you could have intro'd Joey at this point, looking up at it.

I definitely suggest you go with Anthony's suggestion for your denouement.
Just desserts.

Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
Posted: June 29th, 2019, 1:50am Report to Moderator
Guest User

Skies is fine in some contexts, yes. More of a plural context. Like, the entire planet, for example, does have skies. You look up and see the sky, not skies.
e-mail Reply: 12 - 23
Posted: June 29th, 2019, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Vancouver, BC
Posts Per Day
Pretty good writing, good action when it gets going. The cards and church are front and center, nice job there.

I thought maybe this was going in the direction of proving Carl right, the tornado was coming to punish Dennis for blasphemy. Carl dying seemed to go in the other direction, but the card appeared on the cross, which made me wonder if it’s crucifixtion was supposed to mean it was condemned by God, also proving Carl right. But I think the intention of the crucifiction is akin to Jesus dying for our sins, which is really, really heavy handed.

The characters are okay, the dialogue hits and misses for me. Overall it’s good though. Well done.

Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 11:59am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Feelin' cute.

Erlanger, KY
Posts Per Day
This one works for me all the way through. Having the main action of the story be a natural disaster is a neat idea. Neither the church, nor the trading cards, felt shoe-horned into the story. Kudos there.

Action was pretty cool, very well written. I could picture it perfectly. Characters and dialog were good.

Liked the ending with the crucified trading card.

Top marks from me. Great work here, writer.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  June 30th, 2019, 6:17pm
Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006