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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / My Work In Progress / Retribution - A feature rewrite.
Posted by: Steven, November 13th, 2019, 12:51pm
After I uploaded the PDF to Google Drive, I noticed a couple of scene locations that are still bold and underlined...but that's minor. This is the first 13 pages into the rewrite.
Logline: An aging bounty Hunter and a US Marshal with questionable morals transport a young, notorious criminal across Arizona. When their stagecoach is ambushed, the group to make a stop in the town of Ajo - a place that holds secrets for some and answers for others.
Feedback: this is a rewrite of a full feature and I'd like help with tone and how I kick off the story. Also interested in the western specific dialogue.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/11oFeMbkELviFtI5ru1AVw8kRYCP_NWAX/view?usp=drivesdk
Posted by: Scar Tissue Films, November 13th, 2019, 2:24pm; Reply: 1
I generally like the loginline, though I didn't get a western feel from it. I assumed on reading it, it was contemporary. You might want to put a word or two in at the start to tell us when we are.
Posted by: Steven, November 13th, 2019, 2:32pm; Reply: 2
I generally like the loginline, though I didn't get a western feel from it. I assumed on reading it, it was contemporary. You might want to put a word or two in at the start to tell us when we are. |
You didn't get the western feel from the intro or the entire piece? I could see the intro maybe confusing...maybe.
As for the remaining pages, I figured with locations, manner of speaking, horses, the guns, etc, the time frame would have been apparent.
I didn't want to open with a superimposed line stating the location/year.
Posted by: Scar Tissue Films, November 13th, 2019, 2:33pm; Reply: 3
Just the log line.
I've not looked at the script, yet.
Posted by: Steven, November 13th, 2019, 2:35pm; Reply: 4
Just the log line.
I've not looked at the script, yet. |
Ahh ok that makes sense. Thanks for clarifying...I'll update the logline.
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